CNN Reporter Wants to Hear about Your Adoption

A (freelance) reporter from CNN wants to hear from people who have exchanged sexual favors for better service, a more favorable ranking, etc. So that got me thinking.. hey I bet there are some parents out there who made a deal with the USCIS, adoption agency, facilitator, or social worker.

It's okay honey. Ain't no shame in that. God knows what I've done for a simple Big Mac Combo Meal.

Here's what the (freelance) reporter submitted for requests:

"Have you ever used casual sex (outside a committed or dating relationship) to get someone to assemble that Ikea shelving unit you just bought, help you move, do your taxes, edit your masters thesis, cut you a deal on the rent, or any other favor? Or have you seduced the UPS delivery guy/gal, contractor renovating your kitchen, or any other laborer working in your home (and perhaps even got a discount on the work they were doing in the process)? If so, I want to hear from you: did your bartering tactic work, how did you feel after the fact, and have you used sex as a bartering tool again?

I also want to hear from those whove had sex offered to them in exchange for a favor (even if you werent asked to do the favor until after the fact) or contractors, landscapers, and the like whove been hit on while doing a job in someones home. What was the outcome? Did you go for it? Did you do the favor or cut them a price break after the fact? Did this lead to any later headaches or did everyone come away with what they wanted?"

Yes, this is a real request for sources.

Please hurry, her deadline is July 24.

Yo, Where's Your Frigging Homestudy?

Okay.. get your collective 'awwwww's out of the way.

I know (and I agree) that the stories of dogs, cats, dolphins, whales, playtapusses, and gophers adopting orphaned babies of other species is so gosh-darned cute. Who doesn't like to view pictures of those?!?!

But, girlfriends, I'm tired of those mommas just adopting orphans with little to no hassle. I mean, seriously, don't your insides just turn when you ready that Fluffy or Spot was able to take on an orphan without having to complete a dossier? Or submit to endless fingerprinting? How about trying to get through to Homeland Security, the FBI, and local police? Or not even trying to explain to the social worker why they run around naked and poop outdoors?

I mean, enough is enough. They should be forced to at the very least submit a homestudy report. Fair is fair.

And for your reading pleasure, I am posting a few photos of these (what I call) illegal adoptions.

Please Send My Name as a Write In

How the hell did I get overlooked???? Those boogers were blinded by my beauty.

It's for the HOTTEST WEB BLOGGERS.

You know you wanna see me pose!

It'll be a dream come true for all you readers of my blog.

Click here and find how to protest that my name/blog wasn't on the list.

Babyluv Goes Nudi

Fortunately, my love for Babyluv is as deep as the ocean.

Unfortunately, my immaturity is as deep as the ocean too.

I break out into uncontrollable giggle fits when I hear the words dicker, pussy willow, organism, penetrate, and sextuple. ((Okay this is really besides the point but believe it or not, I will come back to this point in a bit.))

Because my love is so deep, I wanted to find a way to not only show the world my love for her but to immortalize it as well.

Some people immortalize their love for someone by commissioning the Taj Mahal, others by naming hospital wings after their loved ones, and others sacrifice their only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

But me, I found a more practical way of immortalizing my deep-as-the-ocean-love for Babyluv. I'm having a new ocean species named after her. It's a nudibranch worm. (SHUT UP! Worms are the cheapest species available for naming purposes). The international oceanography group is offering newly-found species to be named after people for a certain price. Here's how to do it.

Anyhoo.. I thought the nudibranch was appropriate because I would hoot with laughter because of the 'nudi' part of the name.

The whole naming thing costs $15,000. Does anyone have that for me to borrow? I mean, I could try to work something out with Eliot, Charlie, and Peter from the post below but I'm too much of a lady for that.

Translating 'ew' and 'ick' into Adoption Costs

Men. Especially married men. Those married to gorgeous women.

If you're like me, you've been tickled pink with the sordid details coming from Christy Brinkley's divorce trial. Her soon-to-be-ex-husband spent $3,000 a frigging month to pay for online porn sites. Oh.. here's an 'eww..ick' factor.. he used his webcam to film himself 'spanking his monkey.'

So.. let's take a look here how all this naughtiness could pay for an adoption.

$50 (notary, certification, apostille fees)
$15,000 (agency fees) ((NOTE: He spent up to $80k.. but I'll just do a 1-month breakdown))
$2000 for Christmas Day Romp (travel fees) ((NOTE: spent up to $35k))
$3000 (homestudy) ((NOTE: I feel bad putting her picture in it but no one really knows who he is when pictured alone.))

And there you have it.

Getting Ready for July 4th, 2009

Next year Babyluv and I will be hosting a July 4th bbq with hotdogs, burgers, firecrackers, and beer.

In fact, she'll be drinking with me.

Relax.. there's a new product on the market (at least in Japan) called Kidsbeer. There's an article on it titled: Kidsbeer proves hit suds for minors.

According to the article, Kidsbeer, a nonalcoholic brew aimed at children, is catching on with young drinkers and is posting monthly shipments of 75,000 bottles, according to maker Tomomasu Co.

It goes on to say "kids and other people "can raise a glass with this, even if they cannot drink any liquor." Satoshi Tomoda, president of the beverage maker, said: "Children copy and mimic adults. "If you get this drink ready on such occasions as events and celebrations attended by kids, it would make the occasions even more entertaining." The Kidsbeer label captures a nostalgic mood as it was modeled after classic beer labels.

The best part and the truth is the product's advertising slogan: Even kids cannot stand life unless they have a drink.

I get weepy as a proud momma picturing Babyluv saying "Damned Straight" to that.

I'd Toss Up Last Night's Dinner

A sect in India has a very unique way to give strength to their babies - By tossing their babies off a 50 foot tower!

When Hell Freezes Over

Two things you need to know about me.
1. I gag at the sight and smell of poop. Seriously.
2. I'm cuckoo for infomercials.

Put those two together and I'm bound to discover something earth-shattering.

Introducing Poop Freeze. Honest to God, this is a product. Not a novelty joke but a patented product. It's going to change the world.

The premise is that if you're tired of trying to scoop up wet, runny, globs of dog shit, then all you need to do is spray this Poop Freeze on the goopy, squishy poop and it hardens so you can just tear it off the grass.

Well, in my ingenious head, I thought .. why not spray it on Babyluv's ass?? Instead of wasting Wipes and getting squishy poop on my fingers, just wait for it to freeze and then peel it off her butt.

I'll be saving the environment too.

God, I'm so smart.