Color Me Smart

I know young girls. I was one myself just a few years ago. When a lassie hits 16 and the hormones get all out of whacked and boys start calling, that can only mean one thing: trouble.

So... how am I going to be able to monitor my Baby while trying to a) maintain my status as the ultimate hip and understanding mom and b) allowing her some independence and demonstrating my trust?

Very easily, I must say!

After I take down the banana flavored scratch-n-sniff wallpaper (see three entries below), I'm painting the walls with Eclipse paint. This revolutionary paint changes color when heat is applied. So if a young boy thinks he can sneak in a little bit of bodymashing and kissing while planting my baby against the wall, he can think again because I.Will.Know. And that little pimply-face twerpy boy will be out on the street in no time flat.

Athough I gotta admit that when no one is watching, I'm going to plant my big ass on the wall just to see the silhoutted image fade in and then out.

Too cool.

Hugs and Kisses from Tasha

Okay folks, I'm way too busy today to pontificate on the ramifications of international adoption.

Therefore, I'll leave you today with my dossier photo.

Nothing's Too Good for My Baby

Baby's 1st birthday party with circus performers. CHECK
Baby's 2nd birthday party with magicians. CHECK
Baby's own couture line to wear in grade school. CHECK
Baby's $10 million Church Confirmation Party. CHE... wtf???

I stand corrected - somethings are just too good for baby.

While I thought I would be able to give Baby the moon and stars, I find that some daddy has given his daughter a $10 million bat mitzvah. Nevermind that he actually stole the money.

I'm not even sure I can fathom how much $10 million really is. I know I could buy a few islands for that amount. Even reserve a place on the Russian Space program for a trip to the moon. I think I could vaccinate something like 1 billion people from malaria for $10 million. My calculator doesn't even go up to enough digits to let me know the number of kids I could save... but if you're in the mood for doing math - one vaccination is 10 cents.

But $10 million for a one night party?? For a bratty little girl?

According to the NY Post, the daddy's $10 million went to pay for performances by Aerosmith, 50 Cent, Tom Petty, Kenny G and the Eagles. (does a 12 year old girl even know who Aerosmith, Tom Petty, Kenny G., and the Eagles are?????) Daddy even spent $122,000 on iPods and digital cameras for guests.

Damn. The only gifts I ever get as a take-home from 'elaborate' parties are lotions and creams in baskets. I found out last year that all those products can be bought at the frigging Dollar Tree store. Once I even got a Prava bag. Now that's trailer trash gone upscale.

Will Wallpaper Lead to Insanity?

At first I thought this was totally cool - not to mention one-of-a-kind. I really want it for my baby room. The colors are quirky and retro and the concept is fun and childlike.

But now I'm wondering if this will start baby down the road to obsessing over walls. When a guest at someone's house, will she walk up to the walls, plant her nose to it and sniff loudly?

"Janey!" my daughter will yell from across the room to her friend whom she is visiting. "The smell of your walls...what is it? I'm guessing tunafish or a western omelet. Am I right? Am I right?"

And then I imagine that she will be sent home from her friend's house with a note pinned to her shirt saying "Ms. Kent, your daughter might need to seek help as she seems to have a wall fetish. We just don't allow that type of freaky behavior in our house."

I'm still thinking of going with the banana flavored wallpaper. Click here to visit the site.

I'd be in heaven if it came in peanut butter and chocolate.

If You're Happy and You Know It...

Crap your hands!!

God I love toys made overseas. But minus the lead, of course.

If Only Tasha aka Rev. Kent Could Be Smart Enough to Save the World

In the 1970s, my alter ego was Jaime Somers, the Bionic Woman. In the 2000s, it was Sydney Something -- The multi-lingual, multi-haircolored kick-ass super-secret double agent from Alias.

In between those two eras, I was Sandy Kingston from Sunshine Beach Timeshare resorts that called lonely senior citizens between the hours of 9am to 9pm trying to get them to hand over their life savings for a timeshare in Malaysia. Nevermind the time I was Klamee Dia down at the Beaver Hut strip club. Somehow I never made more than $2 in tips.

And in 2007, since I already have a knack for creating really elaborate alter egos with outrageous back stories, It would only make sense for me to use my new personas to do crazy shit on the internet.

But some suburban mom beat me to it.

Meet Shannen Rossmiller (pictured, right). For the past few years she's been doing what the CIA/FBI/Interpol couldn't do - track down terrorists via blogs, chatrooms, instant message, and email.

When 9/11 happened, the mom of three decided to buy a copy of The Koran For Dummies (seriously). From there she started communicating on pro-Arabic, anti-West websites in Arabic by using Google translation software and using repeatitive flowery prose akin to a "Hallmark card for jihads.'

In no time, she's got a few Arabic male aliases and setting up email accounts such as khadija1417@hotmail.com for her Abu Khadija alias and she's buying missiles from jihadis off the internet! (Initially supplied by the Americans in the eighties, natch.) Ironically, over at the FBI, agents are still waiting for approval to open up a simple Yahoo! mail account to create aliases as well.

In no time, Shannen is capturing Al Queda leaders, US Servicemen stationed in Iraq who are trying to help terrorists, wanna-be suicide bombers and a gamut of terrorists.

Her story is incredible. Click here to read about her.

Now if only I could be as productive during my waiting period.

You Too Can Be In a Super Bowl Ad

Sometimes I feel that I talk, talk, talk about all things adoption or adoption-related. I feel that I'm ignoring my pregnant friends or friends (PAPs or non) who have given birth. But I want you to know that I have your interests at heart as well. If I come across something that could enhance and better your life, I'm going to share it... such as this little nugget:

Introfree.com is looking for the right birth video and they're willing to pay 1000 whopping dollars for the rights to use the right video in their 30-second Super Bowl ad.

So, for those of you who want your dilated, laboring vajayjays broadcast to approximately 90 million people, here's your opportunity!

Bear in mind that the video must show "clear baby emergence," (eww) "umbilical cord being severed," and it must include sound. The stunt is meant to announce the "birth" of the website.

Damn. Ewww. Gross. Gag. Talk about taking Super Bowl ads to a whole 'nother level.

I can just picture 90 million football fans stuffing their faces with chips loaded with the 7-layer bean dip as the commercial airs. Poor saps.

It's 10:30pm, Do You Know Where Your Dossier Is?

EDIT: Please note that this is not true. I just think it would be a fortune cookie from hell - like the ones that say 'That wasn't chicken you just ate.'

I'm happy to say that my dossier is safe and sound in Uzbekistan, not Uganda. Although on the flip side, I wouldn't mind adopting from Uganda either.