Keeping Your Neighborhood Safe

You never know who your neighbors really are. You watch those TV interviews of neighbors of serial killers say 'gosh... he was so normal.'

You parents should do a Google search of National Sex Offender Registry to see how safe your neighborhood really is. I have a tendency to check mine every week to make sure my street and block are safe. Don't want no pervs in my neck of the woods.

So.. wouldn't ya know it. There's a perv in my neck of the woods. But I think babyluv and I might be safe. You see, he was arrested for getting it on with a picnic table. A frigging picnic table!!!! I can't make this shit up folks!

Ladies and Gentlement, meet 40-year-old Art Price of Bellevue, Ohio. He was arrested for fornicating with his picnic table. The dude was doing sexy times with a damn picnic table! There's nothing sexy about a damn picnic table!!

Art was seen by neighbors on 4 different occasions doing the nasty with his picnic table. One neighbor even videotaped it and turned the tape over to police.

Police think he was getting it on in the umbrella hole in the table.

I had plans on getting one for my backyard so baby and I can have many a picnics in the summer. But hot damn. I will never look at a picnic table the same way again.

Only in Ohio, folks, only in Ohio.

I'm Now Taking Bids!

Now is your chance to get an EXCLUSIVE!!!

I'm taking bids for the FIRST EVER photos of me and my babylove.

Since JLo got $6million for her twins, Christina got a mere $1.5 million, and the starting rate for Angelina's soon-to-be-born kid is $10million... I'm going to start my bid at $16!!

That's right... the starting rate is $16. (US dollars only. Canadian currency must be converted to US dollars and there will be a conversion tax applied.)

I know there's going to be manic bidding going on.. but now's your chance to get in on the action! Trust me, you do not want to miss out!!

Finally! An Online Game for Me and Baby

You guys. YOU GUYS!!! Have you heard about the new online game called Miss Bimbo?!?!?!?!

According to Miss Bimbo rules, the goal of the game is to make your Bimbo the "the hottest of hot Bimbos," which involves dating "that famous hottie," becoming a "socialite and skyrocket[ing] to the top of fame and popularity," and even resorting "to meds or plastic surgery", because girls should "Stop at nothing to become the reigning bimbo!" According to CNN, "Breast implants sell at 11,500 bimbo dollars and net the buyer 2,000 bimbo attitudes, making her more popular on the site."

As for the creators of Miss Bimbo, well, the game's 23-year-old creator Nicolas Jacquart tells the Times of London, "The game is structured in such a way that it simply mirrors real life in a tongue-in-cheek way. It is not a bad influence for young children. They learn to take care of their bimbos." He continues: "The missions and goals for the bimbos are morally sound and teach children about the real world. If they eat too much chocolate in the game, it is bad for their bimbos' bodies and their happiness levels compared to if they eat fruit and vegetables, which reinforces positive healthy eating messages.The breast operations are just one part of the game and we are not encouraging young girls to have them."

Whatevs!

How fun will it be to be able to bond with baby over boys and bigger boobs!

Are Your Toys Tired of Waiting for Baby Too?

We've all gotta entertain ourselves somehow.

I Got Married!!

Disclaimer: You know you've sunk to a new low when you need to preface your post with a disclaimer. But... it's not 'me' that's the root of my demise, it's the 'waiting to travel' that's a killer. Oh and by the way, it was Suzanne, all Suzanne, in the last 'skid mark' post. Sheesh.

I can just picture my mom bouncing up and down in her chair when she saw the title of this post. I bet she's just besides herself with jubilation and excitement that I *finally* got married and that there was hope for me after all.

On the other side of the country, my sister is probably leaning back in her chair, sipping her tea, and has a smirk on her face. She's saying 'Ohhh.. this is going to be interesting.'

So here goes.

I did get married.

The waiting period in this adoption has allowed me to become an honest-to-God online ordained minister , I've now gotten married. But there are two teeny, tiny caveats.

((note to self: how can you post this on the holiest week?!!?))

First of all, I'm married to a girl. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I just don't think my state recognizes this. Not to mention my company... so there's no mutual insurance benefits or whatnot.

Secondly, and this might be a bit of a bigger point, she's a bitch. My dog, to be exact. I don't want to even consider what kind of anti-animal husbandry laws there are out there. And I'm pretty sure my state doesn't recognize this type of matrimonial union. In fact, it could be illegal in about 49 states (with the exception of Oklahoma <-- sorry Jocelyn and Rebecca). You see. I'm tired of waiting. I get bored. So I checked out MarryYourPet.com. And whaddaya know.. next thing I know, I'm typing names. It's like getting drunk in Las Vegas and waking up next to a stranger and you're both wearing wedding bands.

So there you have it. I'm married. And probably going to prison on some sort of freakish law.

And I would say to you, what I would say to my soon-to-be-prisonmates: You best leave my bitch alone.

Ewww Nasty! Yet Ingenious!

Thanks to Suzanne over at Kaz, I got a tip on yet another clever travel advice - Security Briefs.

Some international adoption countries call for bringing large sums of cash to complete the adoption paperwork process. It's scary enough traveling nowadays that the extra stress of bringing cash can send some people over the edge.

So here's an ingenious form of travel insurance that's certain to put your mind at ease: Skidmark Underwear with Hidden Pockets for your valuables.

According to experts:

The “Brief Safe” is an innovative diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you’re traveling. Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4″ x 10″ secret compartment with Velcro® closure and “special markings” on the lower rear portion.

Leave the “Brief Safe” in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room — even the most hardened burglar or most curious snoop will “skid” to a screeching halt as soon as they see them — wouldn’t you? Made in USA. One size. Color: White (and Brown).

Click here to read all about it.

Now you can travel to meet your bundle of love with less stress!!

Gotcha Gadgets Galore

So the other day I was researching some video and camera gadgets for stalking purposes. But never you mind that.

As I saw the plethora of cool minature gadgets that give the big ones a run for their money, I thought these would be totally cool for Gotcha Day.

God knows I'm going to have my hands full at that moment and when it comes to emotional moments, most people suck at handling a camera or video recorder. On top of that, last thing I want on the videotape is my nasally voice screaming on that once-in-a-lifetime precious moment "Dammit! The left side, you freaking idiot! Take the picture from the left side!! You know I hate my right side."

Plus, think of how cool it would be to get the 'up close and personal' view of your bundleofjoy's face.

Here are some of the cool and small cameras/video devices. Of course they can be used for other 'useful' purposes but for the sake of this 'adoption blog', let's assume they are being used for Gotcha Day:

Naptime and the Blanket Vagina

I love naps. I live for them. From 2-4pm every Saturday and Sunday, you can find me in bed. Napping. I can nap through hurricanes, earthquakes, and minor house fires.

When babylove comes, she'll need to find a way to occupy herself while mommy gets her beauty sleep. So I found this cool thing. It's basically a blanket vagina.

It's a hardcore blanket that can be molded into peaks and valleys. There's a slit in it that allows for sleeping comfort, a hiding place, or even those psycho-babble 'rebirthing' experiences.

You could play 'how did baby get here' games or if you want to keep the stork alive, have baby play car games on it while you nap.

I guess even couples could have fun with this blanket.

Click on the picture to get a better view of this rocking piece of comfort.