How Do You Make a Hormone?

Don't pay her.

And trust me... I'm moaning.

This is exactly what's been happening to me as I continue my outlandishly whorish ways. Google Ads decided to suspend my account because I was proactively encouraging my blog readers to visit the sites of those lame-assed companies advertising on my blog.

But fear not, I have found another blog-ads company and they have way cooler ads. They are on the right side under the header 'advertisement' and these companies offer an array of awesome methods for getting pharmacy drugs at 1/2 price, student loans and other financial necessities.

Plus, they even offer ways to improve your self-esteem and boost your confidence with male enlargement drugs. I know some of my male visitors (blog visitors, that is) must be too embarassed to talk to your doctor about how to go from average sized to WOW! size. So click on the ads that will make you go from a zero to a Hero!

And you women out there .. feeling loosey-goosey in your special area? Need some tightening? Fear not, there seems to be various Kegel companies offering tightening tools that advertise on a weekly basis on this blog.

Hey... when it comes to ads... I don't pick them but I need you to click them!

A Little Humor

I have obtained zero, zip, zilch permission to post this.

"Oh, I'm sorry...You couldn't adopt?"

When My Baby Becomes Miss Teen USA

Q: Miss Teen Ohio, your lovely, intelligent, charming and beautiful mother traveled to Uzbekistan for the two of you to become a family. Please describe your homeland.

A: First of all, thank you very much for your kind words. Words alone cannot do justice in describing the inner and outer beauty of my mother.

To answer your question, Uzbekistan is situated in Central Asia between the Amudarya and Syrdarya rivers. The landscape is extremely diverse starting from the lowland Turans in the northwest up to mountain ranges of Tien Shan and Alay in the southeast. Sandy deserts of Kyzylkum are located in the southwest part of the republic. The territory of Uzbekistan makes up 447,400 sq. km, equal to that of Sweden. Uzbekistan is bordered by Kazakhstan to the north and the west, Kyrgyzstan and Tajikistan to the east, Afghanistan and Turkmenistan to the south. The Aral Sea coasts lie on its territory as well.


:::::applause, applause::::::::standing ovation:::::::unstoppable standing ovation::::::::the crowd is going wild!!!!::::::::::::::::

:::::whoa... would you look at that!!!! I've never seen anything like that before. All the other contestants are walking off the stage. They realize that Miss Ohio is a sure winner!!::::::::

Top 'O The Morning To Me

Got this email this morning:

Good Morning Melissa,

Your I-600A application has been approved. You should be receiving your I-171H Approval Notice by sometime next week.

Best wishes,

XXX**
CIS Assistant
Citizenship & Immigration Service
8/29/07

**(no.. it's not a porno person.. I just decided not to post this lovely lady's name. You know, with homeland security and all. Let's call her Cleveage Buck. You know, for Cleveland, Buckeyes. oh.. nevermind)

I Wanna Be a Yummy Mummy, Not a Molly Mum

British 'model' and reality tv celebutard, Jordan (pictured, left) has some wise words to all of us mums-to-be. I've written about her before and how she's a role model to young girls everywhere. The artificially-enhanced mum of three said the following:

"I want to be a yummy mummy, not a Molly mum! When some women have kids they let themselves go – I call that a Molly mum. They don’t bother dressing up and forget about themselves. It’s important to look good because in some cases I think the man would lose interest and disappear."

Now I kind of feel sorry for anyone out there named Molly.

Safe Enough for Baby but Will Kill Mommy

This adoption process is confusing enough! Now as I'm actually preparing for baby, I'm more confused than ever. Just this month there was the hassle of recalled toys and yesterday as I'm buying products for my precious babe, I came across the following tidbit by the Australian Ovarian Cancer Study Group:

"Sprinkling underwear with talcum powder may increase the risk of ovarian cancer in women, researchers say. "We confirmed a statistically significant increase in ovarian cancer risk associated with use of talc in the pelvic region," say the researchers, who are from hospitals and centres taking part in the Australian Ovarian Cancer Study Group."

So here's my question: if women shouldn't be putting in it their underwear, should we still be using this stuff on babies?

Like, Um, Where's Um Uzbekistan?

Man, I can't wait until my daughter gets a US American edumacation.

I'm glad I drew resting camel, seahorse, happy crab and dead bird for ya'll - cause now you know where, like, Uzbekistan is.




Question: A recent poll showed that some Americans can't find the USA on a world map and why do you think this is?

Answer, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, um, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us."

**EDITOR'S NOTE: To Miss SC's credit, the question was a lame one. I doubt I could have answered that on the spot without saying 'dayum... we're a stupid society.' Interestingly, Miss Colorado won the competition and she was grilled with the tough question, "Who do you prefer: Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, or Paris Hilton?"

Seriously, It Could Be Worse

Having a bad day adoption-wise? Bad week? Bad month? Really... you've got it pretty good compared to some. Remember two days ago I posted a lovely rendering of a camel in the shape of Uzbekistan? (or is it the other way around?) Well... speaking of camels... here's a woman who has had a worst day than you. Trust me. So count your blessings.

PET CAMEL KILLS WOMAN
A woman in Australia has been killed by her pet camel after the animal may have tried to have sex with her.

The woman was found dead at the family's sheep and cattle ranch near the town of Mitchell in Queensland.

The woman had been given the camel as a 60th birthday present earlier this year because of her love of exotic pets.

The camel was just 10 months old but already weighed 152kg (336lbs) and had come close to suffocating the family's pet goat on a number of occasions.

On Saturday, the woman apparently became the object of the male camel's desire.

It knocked her to the ground, lay on top of her and displayed what the police delicately described as possible mating behaviour.

"I'd say it's probably been playing, or it may be even a sexual sort of thing," the Associated Press news agency quoted Queensland police Detective Senior Constable Craig Gregory as saying.

Young camels are not normally aggressive but can become more threatening if treated and raised as pets.