Monday, June 30, 2008

I'd Toss Up Last Night's Dinner

A sect in India has a very unique way to give strength to their babies - By tossing their babies off a 50 foot tower!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

When Hell Freezes Over

Two things you need to know about me.
1. I gag at the sight and smell of poop. Seriously.
2. I'm cuckoo for infomercials.

Put those two together and I'm bound to discover something earth-shattering.

Introducing Poop Freeze. Honest to God, this is a product. Not a novelty joke but a patented product. It's going to change the world.

The premise is that if you're tired of trying to scoop up wet, runny, globs of dog shit, then all you need to do is spray this Poop Freeze on the goopy, squishy poop and it hardens so you can just tear it off the grass.

Well, in my ingenious head, I thought .. why not spray it on Babyluv's ass?? Instead of wasting Wipes and getting squishy poop on my fingers, just wait for it to freeze and then peel it off her butt.

I'll be saving the environment too.

God, I'm so smart.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Getting Your Parents to Help You Finance Your Adoption

1. Some parents just hand over a check to help cover costs.
2. Others provide free babysitting.
3. And others really want to help you and be a part of the adoption process but just can't afford it.

If your parents fall into category #3, there's hope!!

There's a new rage nowadays called Elder Porn. Time magazine did an article on it. Click here to read it.

74-year-old Shigeo Tokuda, one of the biggest stars in elder porn, has starred in more than 350 movies in the past 14 years. Shigeo's movies have become best sellers for Glory Quest, the porn company he works for.

Shigeo said that he plans to work as long as they continue casting him, "People of my age generally have shame so they are very hesitant to show their private parts, but I am proud of myself doing something they cannot. That doesn't mean that I can tell them about my old-age pensioner job."

Although films featuring women in their teens and 20s are the mainstay of the industry, a trend toward "mature women" has become evident over the past five years.

Ryuichi Kadowaki, director of Ruby Inc. which specializes in "mature women" titles, says that when the company started the genre a few years ago, the term referred to actresses in their late 20s, and last year it was expanded to ladies in their 70s. And the company sees the advantage of the "mature" titles is their enduring appeal: "Adult videos with young actresses sell well only in the first three months after the release," Kadowaki explains. "On the other hand, 'mature women' films enjoy a steady, long-term popularity, which after 10 years or so might lead to a best-seller." And then there are the cost savings — a popular young actress can earn up to $100,000 per film, while a mature actress is paid only $2,000. The market for "elder porn" has doubled over the past decade, according to Kadowaki. "In the view of the aging society," he adds, "I think that in the future we will see a steady increase in demand."

So... get a head shot of your momma and poppa and send them to the film companies specializing in 'mature' actors!!

Your parents need to pay their grandparents' dues in cold, hard cash.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Hey Kazzers... Do You Know Where Your Dossier Is?


June 17, 2008 -- ALMATY, Kazakhstan - Kazakhstan's sole communication satellite, used by many of the nation's TV broadcasters, is out of control due to a computer glitch and may be lost altogether, officials said.

Kazakhstan launched the Russian-built KazSat-1 in June 2006, the first of four it aimed to have in orbit by 2020. (click here for the story)

Bring on the Borat jokes. Now folks, doesn't your dossier in-country get logged in their computer system?

God Bless the security and serenity of international adoption.


Monday, June 16, 2008

I Can't Afford a 6-Pack of Hanes Panties... How Can I Afford a Baby?

U.S. News & World Report posted this Cosmo Magazine-like quiz about whether you can afford a baby. And guess what... I took it! It's kind of surprising that I subjected myself to the humilitation because just yesterday at Target I had to return a package of Hanes Panties (high-cut briefs, FYI) because I didn't have enough cash between that and nail polish. The latter won. Story of my life.

Anyhoo... here are the questions and my thoughts:

Do you have $5,000 to $10,000 worth of savings in the bank that could go toward baby-related costs?
All of my savings are going toward the fricking airfare and extra baggage charges just to get to the fricking damned country and to pay the fricking document fees. So.. my question back to you, Mr. Quiz, is do these monies count toward adoption fees or is this after-the-adoption? If it's the latter, I'm royally screwed.

Could you live on around $1,000 less a month, the average cost of child care? If you or your partner plans to stop working, can you support your lifestyle without that second income?
Partner?? Second income?? $1000 less a month??? Hooboy.. I needed that laugh.

Do you know the details of your workplace maternity or paternity policy?
Yes, and they are crap. I plan to file long-term disability as a result of all this adoption stress. But shhhhhh... don't tell.

Could you afford to add an additional dependent to your health insurance?
I believe this is what SCHIP, welfare, government cheese program is for.

Do you have an emergency fund that would cover at least three months of living expenses?
See previous answer.

Do you have life insurance and a will?

Would you need to buy a new home or car before expanding your family?
No. I have no shame in moving back into my parents' house. Again.. this is a 'shhhhhh' issue. They haven't a clue.

Obviously the article/quiz wasn't written for adoptive parents and those of us dishing out over $40k. I think this quiz was meant for those who invest $1.99 on faulty condoms.

In any case, I still managed to score a decent score.

Click here to take the quiz.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Milking My Maternity Leave

Leave it to the alcohol companies. They are the true corporations looking out for your best interest.

If you're like me, you're in a dead-end job with a shitty maternity leave policy. I get something like four weeks off. Really, how much bonding can you with a kid that has spent her/his entire infancy in an orphanage without daily one-on-one interaction? It totally sucks.

So while drowning my misery in a few bottles of Mike's Hard Ale.. I came across their new viral marketing campaign. It totally rocks. It creates a fake news story about you..explaining why you ain't at work.

It also sends an email to your boss that reads:

Dear Dickhead (my words),

Because of what happened, I'm not going to make it in to work. You might think I'm just enjoying a summer day off in my backyard BBQing, but I'm really not.

I'm not sure if you saw my story on the local news so here's the link.

Click Here To See The News Story


Click on it.. it's cool and safe for work.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I Wanna Be A Batshit Crazy Mom Too

I'm not a mom yet, but I play one (in my head). So I do an ocassional (read: 2x daily) scan of some of my favorite mom sites. The one I'm totally digging right now is I Saw Your Nanny. It's fricking awesome.. in a nutty, paranoid, and elitist kind of way. The comments are the best part. They are time killers during this long drawn out adoption process.

Anyhoo...I just finished reading a recent post, Nudity Crackdown. In a nutshell, a mother complains that her nanny brought her little girl home in wet clothing rather than changing her in public because "the park department is cracking down on naked children at the park because of pedophiles hanging around and perverts standing around taking pictures? Has anyone heard of this? I was at Diana Ross Park on Saturday, (5/24) and there was water to be played in. Many kids were playing in it. Most had clothing on but 2 or 3 were absolutely naked. I thought this was a bit weird given that it was the weekend and there were fathers a plenty hanging out with their children."

Then the comments begin. Here are just a few of my favorites from the thread.

Mom A: If there is not a crackdown there needs to be. I am so tired of going to the beach, the playground or wherever and seeing people who have their children swimming and playing nude. Aside from pedophiles, what are you teaching your children about respecting their bodies??

Mom B: I get the whole pedophile angle and keeping your kid dressed but respecting your body? What sort of uptight repressed Victorian crap is that?

Mom C: Sorry, I don't think that teaching children to respect their bodies by keeping their privates PRIVATE is uptight at all. Sure, my kids enjoy a naked romp IN the house now and again, and I walk around topless IN the house regularly. But, when in public I feel they should be covered. A child under maybe 2 years old could be changed outside, no problem, but any older needs to use a restroom with privacy.

Mom D: Seriously?

What is wrong with you people? I am in the NYC area and I have not heard of a crackdown. True, nanny could be sparing a not so bright mama's feeling, but also it could be that nanny was lazy. Changing a child's cloths requires effort. The most effort I have seen a nanny display was wrangling the wrapper of a Mr. Goodbar in the 95 degree heat. She used her car keys, teeth and eventually, just her tongue. Oh I wish I had that photo!

Mom (I'm losing track already): No one wants to see their vagina's and penises hanging out.

Another Mom: To mom who is so grossed out by the penis or vagina of a 2 year old? Get your mind out of the slimy filthy gutter.

Mom i'm still trying to figure out how someone's vagina *hangs out* when it's an internal organ. do you mean *vulva*, the external part of the female anatomy?

Yet Another Mom:




They are children. People have been having them for eons.

Get over yourselves.

Shit-Hit-The-Fan-Crazy Mom:Undercover ares oooo wrong..I have watched you and so many of your "Liberal,regular,fellow posters" for years now and I have got to tthank you all for getting us where we are today.

You all jump down my throat every time I post..I never see things the way you do and let me just tell you..we do have a choice..but thanks to %&44##@@ voters like yourselves..instead of taking care of things and keeping our families all do your liberal magic and these damn pedophile's..discusting shits that they are get out after rehabillitation..and over 60% of them violte again!!

How do you vote MMP, mom, Cali Mom, UNdercover regular, manhattan mama,sprak??

Tha bastards,if found guilty beyond a doubt should be hung..and then perhaps we would be able to take our children to the park, school or beach without worrying so much!!

Your posts anger me to NO are all the same PC jerks who have caused this problem!!

And don't for one second try to play it off like you beleive in the death penalty are the ones who vote to set these freaks free!!

Your posts over the last few years give you away!!

you are all anti spanking anti death penalty, pro ilegal alien, pro positive reinforcement PC dummies who have made our sick worl what is is today!!!

Kill the pedophiles and rapists,
close the borders
spank your child and get this country back in order!!

or stop bitching ..afterall you are the ones allowing them on the very streets your children play on!

...It's me again. Hot Damn!! I can't wait to be a gen-u-wine mom to join debates like these!!!

Friday, June 6, 2008

I'd Like to Thank My Sponsors

Remember when I asked ya'll to click like crazy on my Google Ads? Well, you did and I was set to get a check for a whooping 800 bucks. However, the stupid people at Google got suspicious as to how a little ol' adoption blog was generating so many hits and researched my blog. They said that I was violating the contract by encouraging people to click.

So then I was forced to walk the streets (the online streets, that is) and find a new pimp (ie: advertisers). I found some and I never asked ya'll to click. I think a total of 14 of you clicked because I've got a check for 14 cents coming my way one of these days.

I finally decided to actually look at my blog and see who was asking to advertise on my sight.

I took a screen shot. You can click on it to get a better view.

Hot damn!!

How did an innocent little ol' adoption blog generate such advertisers? They must think my readers are all pervs.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Momma Ain't Running in Her Newly Pedicured Toes


Once they realize what purpose the legs serve, they are nonstop. Running everywhere and every which way.

Well, Momma ain't running after Babyluv every two minutes. I've got a martini to nurse, toenails to paint, and television to watch. I really can't be bothered working up a sweat looking like a branded pig running after a squealing toddler.

So I found this nifty gadget (and a swanky accessory to boot) that has a GPS installed. So, I'll let Babyluv run around to her heart's content and during commerical breaks or when my toenails are dry and drinking glass is empty, I'll just sashay a few blocks and bring Babyluv home.

The gadget is called Retreiva. Nevermind that it's a dog collar. It's actually the world's most advanced dog collar. So take that!

Plus, dog collars are the 'in' thing. It looks like high-tech fashion.

Monday, June 2, 2008

I Call Dibs (Part 2)

Wow. Ya'll seen the photos of the tribe in Brazil that has never had outside contact?? Well, I'm pretty sure I could whip up a dossier in a matter of days, if you catch my drift.

Countdown for some unscrupulous agency announce that they are "in talks with officials" to start a pilot program with the tribe in 5....4....3....2....

I Call Dibs (Part 1)

Photo source