Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Babyluv's Hero

I love kids. The do and say the darnest things.

Take for instance 7-year-old Latarian Milton of Palm Beach Gardens, FL. Latarian stole his grandmother's SUV and took it for a joyride - ran over two mailboxes, hit two parked cars and struck two moving cars before coming to a crashing halt.

When asked why he did it, he said, "I wanted to do it, because it's fun. It's fun to do bad things like drive into a car." He was also asked if he knew he could possibly kill someone, "Yes, but I wanted to do hood rat stuff with my friends."

Come on people! You know he speaks the truth!! If we were 7 years old we'd be shitting ourselves with jealousy.

To be fair, Latarian does think he should be punished. He said his punishment should be, "No video games for a whole weekend."

Lordy lordy, you know that the next time I get pulled over by a cop (most likely with Babyluv in the car), I'm gonna roll down my window and say, "I wanted to do it, because it's fun! It's fun to do bad things. I wanted to do hood rat stuff with my baby."

Monday, April 28, 2008

Thinking Ahead for Babyluv's Future

A lot of my friends are losing sleep trying to college or profession they should groom their kid for. While I admire that type of forward-thinking, I'm more concerned about important issues such as which clique will babyluv become leader of. Will it be the slutty cheerleaders or bitchy sorority girls? Maybe she'll dominate the adoptive posse. Choices, choices.

And that leads me to my new role models.

Meet Joseph Manzanares. Mr. M. and his girlfriend had an argument earlier this month on which gang their 4-year-old son should join. Hey, at least they are thinking ahead. Word on the street is that gang admissions are a bitch.

19-year-old Miguel was arrested after he showed up to his girlfriend's job at Hollywood Video and threatened to kill her. To show that he meant business, Miguel knocked some videos off the shelves on his way out. He was later arrested at his home.

The woman confessed to the cops that earlier in the day they were arguing about what gang their son should join. The teen mother wants her babyluv to belong to the Crips. While Miguel wants him to join the Westside Ballers gang.

They should take notes from Westside Story and just have a dance-off.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Oh Yeah Baby, Tickle My Pants

Do you have carpal tunnel from too much finger tickling? Nono.. not THAT kind of finger tickling (sheesh) .. I'm talking about tickling the keyboards from blogging and research overload.

Well, okay, now that you got my mind in the gutter, here's a weird and novel product. It's called keyboard pants.

Seriously, even I can't make this shit up.

According to a website that critiqued the pants: These “Beauty and the Geek” keyboard trousers are a concept interface from designer Erik De Nijs. As you can see, it is made for those who like to compute by putting their laptop so far down on their lap that it is practically at their feet. Maybe it’s also designed to remove that uncomfortable feeling you get when your laptop has been on your lap for too long.

I’m not certain if this syncs to your laptop wirelessly, or if there is some USB wire that you can’t see here. I do know that these pants have speakers built into the knees, and a pocket in the back for storing the mouse. I have even heard that there is a joystick controller behind the zipper, but now we’re back to making tasteless jokes again.

Ohhhh... the attached link is along the lines of this post.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

It's Wednesday, April 23, Do You Know Where Your Dossier Is?

Yeah, yeah.. you're being told it's probably at the MOE or MFA or in a gold picture frame somewhere in Uzbekistan. But really, it could be in Uganda for all you know.

Once your dossier leaves your hands and gets sent overseas, your future could either be A) up sh*t creek without a paddle or B) a start of something beautiful and fulfilling.

So here's an insurance policy you should invest in to make sure your future is B. It's a mere $695.. but that's pocket change when you think about it. I introduce you to the Micro GPA Mail Logger.

The Logger records the global position of your mail throughout the delivery process. Once you complete your dossier, plug in the GPS Mail Logger's MicroSD card and find out where your mail has been in seconds. With time stamps and recorded downtime you can find out where your mail has been and if it was delayed or misrouted. With GPS you get your mail's exact satellite location, how fast it was traveling, and even its altitude throughout the delivery process.

I think we can all trust that our dossier makes it to the country of choice. But the real question is.. what becomes of it once it's there. I mean, some places have a dire toilet paper shortage.

I'm just saying, ya'll. That's all. I know that I value my TP with all my heart.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Tasha Gives Back

Evidently there's a bra shortage in the third world. Here's the article.

And I'm here to do my part in making the world a better place. The Tash is sending her old bras to Oxfam so they can grace the lovely ladies who are in dire need of support.

I'm getting to the point where I'm running out of undergarments. I already donated my panties to the Burma army. Here's the post of why they needed them.

Pretty soon I'll be running around naked. Gasp!!

Friday, April 18, 2008

The One That Didn't Get Away

Let's face it. Running after toddlers is a hassle. Those little boogers are FAST, man, fast! And The Tash don't like to run. (CLICK HERE TO SEE TASHA RUN!!)

So, I found a cool and taser-free way of letting my babyluv run around and be able to stop her when she heads for the street. It's called the Shooting Net. It looks like something Spiderman would use.
According to the website, it's safe to use and you don't need government clearance to purchase one. Woohoo.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

A Must Read Book for Mommies

Screw the old 'Our Bodies, Our Selves' book.

Finally! There's a book to explain to my babyluv why mommy's um, heart, is bigger than those of Suzie's mommy. It's kind of like a new version titled 'Our Bob Jobs, Our Selves'.

It's called My Beautiful Mommy. It's for under-8 yo kids. It helps them understand why mommy has a new face and body.

Here's an excerpt from Newsweek:

My Beautiful Mommy is aimed at kids ages four to seven and features a plastic surgeon named Dr. Michael (a musclebound superhero type) and a girl whose mother gets a tummy tuck, a nose job and breast implants. Before her surgery the mom explains that she is getting a smaller tummy: 'You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn't fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to help fix that and make me feel better.' Mom comes home looking like a slightly bruised Barbie doll with demure bandages on her nose and around her waist"

Naturally, it has a happy ending: mommy winds up "even more" beautiful than before, and her daughter is thrilled.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Will Preach for Food

I have fantastic news for everyone! And by 'everyone' I really mean just 'me' since I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who gives a rat's ass.

The news is that I'm still an online ordained Reverand. (here's the original post)

Which makes it okay for me to bless your blogs, pray for your sanity, baptize your kids, marry you (read into it however you wish), and probably perform some sort of exorcism.

For you peeps I'll do it all for free. Although a monetary or baked tithe would be greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Blood Family

Waiting to travel.

It's a bitch.

Speaking of bitch, my Aunt Flo came to visit today.

Anyhoo... got sidetracked there.

Actually, I really didn't. You see, since I've been waiting, 11 months now, I've had 11 cycles. Really, this ISN'T too much information. You'll see why in a second.

I shouldn't be wasting this waiting time. I should be making it productive by starting a hobby, cleaning my house, yada yada yada.

And I shouldn't be wasting my blood. You see, there's this new scientific thingy that scientists have discovered - stem cells in menstrual blood. How fricking cool is that?!

You can check it out here and read about a product that offers women period blood storage starting at just $99/year!

According to the website, "Stem cells from menstrual blood may potentially be utilized in the future to treat a host of life-threatening and debilitating medical conditions such as diabetes, stroke and heart disease, as well as neurological disorders such as Parkinson's disease and Alzheimer's, osteoporosis and spinal cord injury, just to name a few."

I really think ya'll could benefit from The Tash's fantastic bloody goop. It's got magical powers.

Get this, in the future I could be saving you! It'll be like we're blood family.

So... get your checkbook out and right me a check for $99!

Trust me, it'll be worth it.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Hey Adoption Mommas - Are You a Slut?

If you're visiting my blog, you most likely are.

You see, there are two types of sluts: the single kind and the married kind.

Besides the ring on the finger, the two are basically the same.

I founded a new organization that focuses on providing a proud community for sluts.

It's called: IAMASLUT

It stands for: International Adoption Mothers' Association - Single (or, Sexy if married), Lovely, Unique, Talented

I think that about covers our attributes in a nutshell.

Here's how it works to be a member. For starters, the best part is that it's free and there's no online group you need to subscribe to. Heavens knows we all belong to about 30 gajillion of those already and they clog our email boxes.

All you have to do is either leave a comment or send an email and I'll forward a personalized certificate as shown above. You can click on the image for a larger preview. (You need to inform me if you are single or married.)

The certificate is fo reals, peeps. I got it notarized, certified, authenticated, and apostilled!

So come join Haze, Habesha, Jocelyn, and Suze in this wonderful community. Be proud!

EDIT: Seriously, I'm emailing personalized certificates so be sure to give me your email address.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

International Adoption Bloggers Play Date

I'm busy today ya'll. Gots to make deadlines at work or else I'm out on the streets looking for work.

So I grace you with a photo of me and some of my international adoption blogging buddies. (You ladies know who you are.) I had a rocking good time with my online friends! We need to get together again next year!!

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Bon Voyage and Welcome Back!

A family that is that has been very dear to me in the past year has returned home (okay... 2 months ago) from Uzbekistan with their adorable son! Congratulations on your wonderful adoption journey and here's to a new chapter in settling in as a family.

Another family is leaving tomorrow for Tashkent to add the final verse to their adoption story. They are traveling to meet their son and bring him home. I wish you Godspeed in your flight and time in Uzbekistan. I can't wait to see pictures and hear all about this amazing moment in your lives.

Neither of these families has a blog, so I will respect their anonymity.

I love posts like these - especially when they happen to people I've gotten to know through the Uzbekistan adoption journey and when they have such wonderful coming home stories.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Little Miss Thang and the Tramp Stamp

Sweet JonBenet on a pogo stick!!

Did ya'll see where Toys R Us is selling lower back tattoos (aka tramp stamps) for little girls? That's right. They're right next to the Hannah Montana and Mickey Mouse stickers.

My first reaction was OhNo They Deh'unt! There's no way I'm letting babyluv out-tramp me. That's just so wrong.

But you all know I'm getting my lucite heels on and marching over to the kiddie store tonight after work to buy my very own tramp stamp to display this weekend. That's right. Momma's gonna get herself some action. Thanks to Toys R Us.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Screw the Homestudy

If I had only known it would be this easy, I would have taken the Dr. Seuss route toward adoption. All you have to do is name your kid (a Who), choose the gender, choose the snazzy house and then the cool summer day skyline.

And viola, you get an adoption certificate. No friggin' FBI background check, no humiliating trips to the Free Clinic (SHUT UP), no appointments with the fire department. It's just click and download.

All I gotta do is promise to dress Tasha Jr. in cool clothes.

Bitch, please.

You know she's going to be rocking in her hot pink spandex shorts I buy her.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Stick It To Me

I got my travel itinerary from my agency. Along with it was a list of what to bring. And wouldn'cha know it.. I gotta bring something like a trillion dollars in crisp, unmarked 100 dollar bills.

Holy Jesus with a can of Spam!!! People have been known to be mugged and killed for much less than that!

Since I have a natural proclivity to walk in dark alleys at night, I'm nervous to the core. What if someone tries to stab me and take my money???

Relax, Tash, I said. I found just the thing. Nihon Uni has created a shirt that will protect against stab wounds. According to the website: The shirt are made from a thicker fiber that is three times stronger than the cotton used for an average T-shirt.

It is made from ultrahigh molecular weight polyethylene fiber, which is equal to the aramid fiber which is used in body armor. Conveniently the shirt is still machine washable. It will be released in Japan in June in both a T-shirt and long sleeve form. The long sleeve will be sold for $220-590 and the short-sleeved version for $190-522."

p.s. Yes, that's me modeling the shirt.
p.s.s. Okay.. maybe not.
p.s.s.s No.. it's me.
p.s.s.s.s. Not
p.s.s.s.s.s It is.