Friday, February 29, 2008

I'd Like to Thank the Academy...

Hot diggity dayum ya'll.

My statcounter was registering record number of visitors to my pitiful blog and I found out it was because a handful of you have nominated my blog to Adoptive Families 'Blogs We Love.' Double dayum ya'll!

Ya'll rock!!

Ohhh.. if you have nothing to wear for ocassions like these, may I suggest you bid on some of these timeless vintage dresses from estate sales that I'm selling. I just started it last night (Thursday) and have about 50 more dresses to add and some vintage purses & clutches, vintage fur/wool coats, vintage hats, vintage jewelry boxes, vintage bowling bags, vintage brooches/jewelry, and vintage aprons to add. So if you're in the market for any of those, let me know. I'm trying to 'move inventory' and get these out of my house. Vintage clothing/accessories are a obsession of mine and I need to stop.

Time Out Chair that Actually Works

I always hated time out. You sit in a corner or chair and wait until you're free to go and have allegedly learned your lesson. Let's face it, it doesn't work. I always tested the limits of the 'time out' boundaries. Within two minutes I had already crept out of the chair and would be half way across the room.

I found like cool, albeit creepy, chair. It's called the Trapped Chair and it is designed to keep you locked down until it decides when to let you go. Until then, you’ll just have to given in and relax; resistance is futile.

According to the designer: Being captured by a chair. Embraced by a pressuring softness, until you are released.A chair that opens up and closes. When you get trapped you will have to wait until you are released. The meaning of this project is based on a take of the words intimacy and intimidating. These words have a different meaning but the action can almost be the same. Being stuck is an unpleasant feeling, but being hugged is a very nice one. If you are captured in the chair you will have to give in and relax, the moment you do this it will become a pleasant hug. This hugging also has associations to specific treatments on autistic people to help them control their sensorial input. This technique is called deep pressure and is a form of pressure on the whole body to relax. This technique comes from taming
animals and is also tested on normal people that experienced the same relaxing effect.

I think it sounds kind of cool in a tough love kind of way. I don't have to keep an eye on my bad toddler and the chair is giving her some extra loving.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

How the Blue's Clues Became Det. Briscoe from L&O

There are definites in my world.

1. I love fashionable accessories.
2. I can only take so much Barney, Clue's Blues, Care Bears, and other children's animation.

I know that I'm going to have to trade my Saturdays watching Law & Order and CSI marathons for all the Nickelodeon animated marathons. But after 2 hours of the Wiggles and watching Brindi the Croc girl do a rap dance, I'm going to start drinking.

But I found a cool and fashionable way of changing the channels without being the mean mommy. I introduce to you the Orbit Remote bracelet. It's a universal remote. So when baby is watching the Teletubbies prance around the meadows and the scene changes to that of a murder investigation all while I'm sitting in my chair and she's chewing on the remote, I can just proclaim innocence and say that the Teletubbies have gone away for a nap for the day.

(By the way, this is a great device to wear if your man is watching football and you want to watch Dancing with the Stars.)

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Casting Call: Does Your Kid Look Like an Imbred?

If ya'll been following my blog, you already know that I plan on 'managing' my daughter's career as a celebrity. I mean, mommy wants to have some playtime in her life for once. Mommy needs that house in Beverly Hills and a boytoy to play with. After all, it's about frigging time.

In any case, I continue to scour the casting call pages and came across something that might be beneficial to you guys. Seriously, I mean this is a good way. I want to share the wealth. I mean this is a chance for us to be neighbors. And your kid can be in a movie with Julianne frigging Moore!!

A new Julianne Moore movie set in West Virginia is looking for kid extras. According to the casting notice: "'Regular-looking' children should not attend this open call." Explains the casting director: "Some of these 'holler' people -- because they are insular and clannish, and they don't leave their area -- there is literally inbreeding, and the people there often have a different kind of look. That's what we're trying to get."

Your kid would be perfect for this!!

Click here for the details.

Good luck!! We'll have to get together and talk about what to wear at the Oscars.

OMG! This is SO Going to Happen to Me Enroute to 'Stan

This is *so* going to happen to me when I go to meet my bundle of joy.

Meet Sarah Williams and Nisreen Swedberg, the dynamic duo who claim that Southwest Airlines discriminated against them because they were too pretty. Here's what went down: Sarah and Nisreen were on a flight from Tampa to Los Angeles. Nisreen says from the get-go they were being ignored by staff because of their youth and beauty. A stewardess would not bring them water! Then Sarah "and another passenger exchanged profanities in an argument over the plane's bathroom". Southwest called for backup when the plane landed in L.A. and the girls were questioned for several hours about the potty problems. Sarah says that the other woman in the altercation was not questioned at all. "I think they were just discriminating against us because we were young, decent looking girls," she whined in a phone interview. "I mean nobody else really on the plane looked like us, except us."

I feel you, Sarah honey, I feel your pain.

I just know when my baby and me fly home, we are going to need to cover up our beauty.

Monday, February 25, 2008

A New Type of Sling/Baby Carrier

If you're like me, you can't be bothered with the mechanics of a sling. I can't figure out how to put those damned things on after they've been twisted and turned inside out. And baby carriers, those 'soft' metal brackets bore into my bones a little too much for my liking.

I like the new jacket that was designed by Aamu Song and Johan Olin. It's called the Bored Jacket. But I like it for its convenience and simplicity. I plan on wearing one and having my bundle of love where one.

The outsides of the jackets are lined with velcro strips. It's so hassle-free. Just toss your baby to your chest, back or side.. and off you go. It takes up no space and we all know that black is slimming.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Adoption Fundraiser. This Sunday. My House. $39.95

Another lame adoption fundraising attempt. I'm ripping off Disney's exploit-a-rama of gullible girls and parents with deep pockets.

On February 24th Orlando's Downtown Disney Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, a high-end spa for kids, will offer Hannah Montana makeovers. For $109.95 you get your picture taken while holding a guitar, wearing a cheap wig and Hannah Montana costumes.

Screw spending the $109 on the spa and the $1000 for a flight and room reservations at Disney. I'm hosting a FUNraiser this Sunday. Moms and daughters can live out their Hollywood fantasies!

Get your ass to the armpit of America (that's slang for 'my town') and for $39.95 I'm offering parents and kids a manicure, a Glamourshot of kids in a wig and costume to look like Hannah Montana. We'll recycle the costume and wig and let mom wear it so she can look like the lovely mother-of-three Ms. Shauna Sand. I'll even provide the lucite platform shoes.

And since we're in the midst of a winter storm, I'm sure plane tickets are 75% off.

Remember, this is for a good cause.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Dingo Ate Your Baby

Isn't it creepy how things come full circle in less than 2 hours.

I had just finished reading this depressing article written by Australian scientists about undernourishment in the majority of orphanages in developing nations. Most 'Western' infants need about 2 grams of fat daily to grow and maintain their health. So a six month infant will have consumed about 400 grams of fat in its life thus far. Whereas most orphans would have only consumed about 30% of that - a mere 109 grams of fat.

Fast forward two hours.

I'm at the Outback Restaurant with a friend. He decides to order what Men's Health magazine has named the 'Worst Food in America'... the Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing. Mind you, this is just an appetizer. According to the magazine, the lovely dish has 203 grams of fat. That's basically the same as a year old baby, probably from where I'm adopting.


Tuesday, February 19, 2008

It's Like the Invisible Fence and SCRAM Mixed as One

I love me those Invisible Fence collars. It's so cool to see the dogs running around free and then going all spasmatic when it crosses the boundaries of the Invisible Fence. I also know that the Hollywood trend now is the SCRAM (alcohol monitoring) bracelet. It's like, all the rage.

I remember as a teenager back in the 80s the debates on The Phil Donahue show about the pros and cons of kid leashes. I always found them kind of cool in a Planet of the Apes kind of way.

However, now that I am about to be a parent, I know the general feeling of complete nervousness that occurs every time my child will just up and run off in a public place. I can just picture Detectives Stabler and Benson showing up at my doorstep.

So I decided to do some research and found that there's a technological alternative to the kid leash. It's the In-Reach Child Tracking System. This device has an ankle bracelet that is reminiscent of those under house arrest or parole. There is a child sensor belt for the parent.

Apparently, you set a boundary for your kids so that if they go outside it, an alarm will sound. This boundary can be as low as 10 feet or high as 300 feet.

So now baby will be safe and mommy will look trendy with her faux SCRAM belt.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Happy Monday

No adoption news today as it's a holiday.. but yet I've got to work.

Go figure.

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Friday, February 15, 2008

Yipes! Stripes!

I'm kind of with this preschool I'm going to be telling you about. The way kids are being dressed today - it's a bit insane. And sometimes just too cutesy-cutesy for my taste. However, as a soon to be momma, you can be damned sure I'm going to exercise my haute couture rights when it comes to putting frocks on my kid.

According to an Associated Press article, this preschool in Sweden is being criticized for banning children from wearing striped and spotted clothing; the patterns give one of the teachers severe migraines. The school's staff urged parents to dress their kids monochromatically, but some parents are not happy.

Actually, when you think about it. Aren't the Swedes the ones who introduced us to striped kids clothes? I remember all the rage of Hanna Andersson and their 'playdress/daydress' crapola. $34 for their dresses when I can just cut a hole in a pillowcase and call it a dress.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

A Special Valentine Plea to Jen in Texas

Jen, hon, why doncha share the love today?

You see, you taunt us on your blog with references to your Special Forces buddies and how they all (bachelors, natch) attend your adoption shower.

The Tash ain't feeling the love. She needs some special forces in her life (get the play on words? neat, eh?). Especially today of all days.

I know those men like to play with bazookas. Well I've got a pair of heart-stopping bazookas. I mean, I carry around those guns all day long. They are lock-n-load ready, sugar.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this sisterhood plea. Something tells me that Habesha, Haze, and Suzanne wouldn't mind feeling some special looove today too. Maybe we can do a fourfer deal. (sorry gals for throwing you into this offer. But it's for a frigging good cause.)

So Jen, luv, you go tell those manly men to give Tasha a call.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Cleaning Out the Mean

I'm not a church-going gal. But I'm a believer.

I'll prove it by confessing. You see, I've been having thoughts: impure, mean, selfish, and even judgmental thoughts. These are about some PAPs, the adoption process, and the whole gamut.

But that's okay. Because I've been cleansing myself. There's been a soap product on the market called "Looking Good for Jesus" and I've been using that to wash away any impurities and cleansing myself for a problem-free adoption. You know... keeping away anything that may jinx things.

On a daily basis, I've been redeeming myself with the virtuous vanilla-flavored lip balm. I even got "Tight with Christ" by using slathering on the hand and body cream. I even kept my thoughts pure while rubbing on the cream.

But the products have been yanked from the market. How am I to wash away the mean??? I think I found it. It's a soap on a rope.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Just Give Me a Paperbag and We'll Call It a Day

Stress. About 100% of the adoption journey is stressful. The other 0% is relaxing.

There's the paperchase, the waiting, the choosing, the international 'situation' that causes nerves to come undone. On top of that there's diplomacy-gone-bad, the finances, the ethics or lack thereof, the rude questions, the medical shots, and the dreaded FBI check where you pray that all those things you sorta recall doing in college never got recorded. You still hope that those surveillence tapes from the 1980s are too antiquidated to be of any value nowadays.

There's this lovely gadget called the Stress Eraser that reminds you when to breathe. It's supposed to calm you. According to one blogger: The little biofeedback machine, which is about the size of a BlackBerry, has an infrared fingertip sensor that monitors the way you breathe by translating pulse beats into waves that you can watch roll across the StressEraser's LCD. The machine essentially decodes various nerve signals—it's complicated, but there are stimulating nerves that increase your heart rate and lead to faster breathing patterns, and pacifying nerves that do the opposite. We want the opposite. To get there, you simply slip your finger into the slot and monitor your breathing patterns on the LCD, counting softly as you shed your stress. The waves are supposed to come in gentle arcs; at first mine looked more like a series of daggers. By sounding a little beep when it's time to exhale, the StressEraser teaches you how to calm yourself.

Oh. I should add that it's $300. I ain't got that kind of cash sitting around in my house. But feel free to send me one.

If you don't want to send that, feel free to send me your airline miles. That would really help destress me.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Some Product That Does Something

I got an email today about this new European product. We all know that European gadgets are so nouvelle haute and all the rage.

Anyhow, the gadget does something like put your kid in a horizontal position or some position. I guess it's good for the kid.

Whatever. I can't concentrate on it.

According to the website: The Cybex I.GO let's you carry your baby in a horizontal postion during the first four months, which is what most european pediatricians recommend. Afterwards, parents can transport their child in the I-GO in a vertical position up to an age of approximately 1 year while baby is either facing the parent or later enjoying a free view ahead.

Seriously peeps. The gadget is a dime a dozen.

The real question is: How much for the model??

Thursday, February 7, 2008

I'm Here to Help You So You Can Read My Blog

It's okay ya'll. Just keep reading and continue to visit. I've got something that's going to save you your job (although not necessarily your sanity).

So how often have you found yourself addicted to adoption blogs, looking at porn, and reading even more adoption blogs and forums at work, only to have your boss bust in on you?

If you're like me, you start clicking like a madwoman trying to get something else to show up on your screen. I hate to break it to you but it’s usually pretty obvious that you weren’t actually working. If you really want to continue to enjoy my blog (shameless plug) at work on a regular basis, you might consider investing in the marvelous Thanko Phantom Mouse brought to you by the creative Japanese.

How exactly is a mouse going to help you out? Well, most mice really wouldn’t do much, however, this little guy has a special red button that could save your job. When the “Phantom button” is clicked, one of two things will happen, depending on how you have it set up. You can either have it minimize all programs, or you can have it bring a particular program to the front of your screen. Personally, I’d have it do the latter.

The price for this peace of mind is only $24.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

I Am **So** Flying This Airline to the 'Stan

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. Dreams do come true. Okay.. I'll most likely be totally grossed out by this whole experience but then again, this is something out of an Austin Powers movie. So shagadelic.

A German airline is offering nudist flights because the Germans, with their beer bellies and sauerkraut guts love to share the love. And I'll fit nicely in.. as long as the lights are dimmed.

According to the CEO of the airline, there are a few basic rules. For example, no hot drinks will be served and there will be certain hygienic regulations. Passengers won't be sitting directly on the seats but on specially sized cloths laid on them. And the crew will have to remain clothed, too.

Oh yeah, and no groping.

This could be my lucky flight by getting a twofer. You know, baby and boyfriend.

Oh wait. According to the CEO, "we do not want it to be some airborne dating service."



Sunday, February 3, 2008

I Know What I'm Wearing for Gotcha Day

This is soooo cheesy, dorky, and geeky that I just have to wear it when I meet my bundle of babylove. When you were it and are away from your babylove, you only have 2 hearts lit up. But when you get within 2 meters of your loved one wearing the other shirt, all 6 hearts light up. (click on the picture above to see how it works.)

It's the 8-bit LED heart shirt. According to their website: “Buy one of these glowing shirts for yourself, and gift one to your significant other (boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, fembot 2000…). During your normal activities two and a half pixelated hearts will light up on your shirt. Hey… you’re depressed and in need of a recharge. But get within hugging distance of your significant other wearing the matching shirt and suddenly the hearts on both of your shirts start to light up until you’re fully powered up. Go too far astray from the source of your affections and you’ll drop back down to two and a half hearts again. Got it? ”

Friday, February 1, 2008

I Shouldn't Complain - My Barbies Had to Do Much Filthier Things

It's pretty much a given that our girls will be on welfare by age 20 because of the Fashion Fever Barbie Boutique that features a built-in credit card swiper and a life-size credit card for young children to use when buying outfits and accessorieis for their dolls. According to the Amazon website, "Once the balance hits zero, it will reset so you can continue to shop."

But Barbie took it one step further by introducing The Barbie 2-in-1 party Plane & Ship, marketed for girls ages 3 to 8, and comes with martini glasses, bar stools and a disco scene (pictured, right). That's right... 3 years old!

On the one hand, this generation of Barbies teaches girls about the importance of getting a sugar daddy for mommy because without that, there's no party plane or ship. And for the boozing, well, mommy could enjoy a drinking buddy.

I guess this beats the Barbies that I played with. They wore Daisy Duke shorts and halter top and frequented seedy bars. And if I recall correctly, there were some back alleys and dollar bills involved.

But with The Barbie 2-in-1 party Plane & Ship, our baby girls can learn about high styling.