Thursday, January 31, 2008

I Call Dibs

So I'm thinking if Uzbekistan doesn't work out, I'm going to look elsewhere. It seems that the adoption pool for most other countries is rather crowded and the wait is over a year.

But did ya'll see that a NASA telescope picked up an image of a female form on Mars? (officials are trying to spin it and say it's just a 'rock formation' but whatevs.) I can't imagine that she'll have the support system and means to raise children. I mean, hell, if I were the only female on Mars, I'd be enjoying my freedom, sowing my oats, and flaunting my 'stuff' to all the men on the planet. No time for kiddos for me if I were that female Martian.

So dudes... this is official. I'm calling it. I gots dibs on Mars adoption.

You people go look elsewhere for international/intergalactical adoption options.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Get Out of My Dreams and into My Car

I need your help, ya'll.

My crapola 1999 Jetta VW is at the shop today. It will cost $2000 to get it fixed. That piece of sh*t ain't worth $2. I told them to forget about it. It's not going to pass E-testing and my tags expire in 30 days. So, I need to buy a new car ASAP.

I'm clueless about cars. All I know is I need an SUV so my baby and I will have room and feel safe, gets great gas mileage, and I can drive in the winter without crying. (I'm from LA... so driving in the snow freaks me out.)

So.... if you can give me some suggestions of good SUVs and how to get a great deal, that would be greatly appreciated!

Car salesmen scare me.

And that title, it's from Billy Ocean, in case you have the song stuck in your brain.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Wish I Would Have Thought of This

Maybe I can market some Angelina Jolie lips or some funny ones with a screaming mouth or one after biting into a lemon. Does anyone know how to get me starting on this?

Monday, January 28, 2008

Needless to Say, the Dancing Gig Didn't Work Out

Back to square one in coming up with other adoption fundraising alternatives.
I guess I could just cut out Starbucks and work harder at the office..
but where's the fun in that?!

Many thanks to Suzanne for the picture!

Friday, January 25, 2008

Double Shift, Double Cheeseburger, Double Trouble

I'm whacked, ya'll. Adoption ain't cheap.

There's all this panic in the IA world about blogging fundraising being a huge diplomatic no-no.

Doesn't matter much for me because no one is clicking on the 'enlarge yourself' ads on the right side of this blog.

To keep my budget down, I've been fine dining on Mickey D's dollar menu item - the double cheeseburger.

I'm thinking of taking a second job.. maybe at McD's so I can eat for free. Maybe I'll even take my double cheeseburger stuffed lard ass to the Beaver Hut and start dancing for extra income.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

I Still Get My Starbucks and Spa Days

Nothing's too good for my baby. Just as long as someone else buys it. And since I'm not on a sugardaddy's payroll, I have to resort to doing-it-myself.

Let's talk about cribs. Do you realize how expensive those cages are? If you figure that you only use those massive things for two years, it ends up being more expensive than a daily indulgence of a venti Starbucks coffee. And even I think that's too much.

And rocking horses. Those are cool toys and can be entertaining for hours on end. But even at garage sales, those things go for $25 minimum. Something about how it's a retro vintage thingy.

I figured that a crib and rocking horse together is going to run me about $400. That's the same cost as 3 days at an exclusive spa/resort. So.. when weighing the options of what's more important... spa wins.

But that's okay, I found an easy way to construct both the crib and horse. Sooo simple and sooo earth friendly. The rocking horse is going to take me under an hour to make.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Too Old to Die Young

Yep, I'm 40 today.
And to put it in perspective, This day in History: 1984 - Apple introduced the Macintosh. It was the first computer to use point-and-click technology.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Nip It in the Bud *Before* Seeing the Adoption Judge

My friend has a rather peculiar problem. You see, when she's nervous, regardless of the temperature, um.. her headlights tend to shine. And by shine, I mean she can blind people with those suckers. Basically poke an eye out, if you catch my drift.

It has served her well in the US. She seems to 'nervous' her way out of speeding tickets and I doubt she's ever had to buy her own drink. (I, on the other hand, happen to know from vast experience that the cost of beer is $3.50.)

In any case, she's incredibly worried about her adoption court hearing. This really wouldn't be a problem if she were adopting from, say, Siberia in January, and will be dwarved in a parka and five sweaters - but that's not the case. She's adopting from a country where the temps rarely dip below 100 degrees. She's worried that she'll offend the judge; be labeled a hussy; or send a wrong message about her excitement to adopt or excitement to be in court, for that matter.

So she turned to me and asked if I had any suggestions. I told her about Nippits. They are 'concealment' patches. They should make her court day be worry-free!!

((For those who feel that they need the opposite effect and to get noticed, you might want to consider this product.))

As for me, when I'm nervous or find myself in front of a judge, I just pee myself.

Friday, January 18, 2008

I Grace You with Another Dossier Photo

I'm busy today ya'll. I've got deadlines to meet and people to see. So I don't have time to regale you with my adoption rhetoric. So I give you my dossier photo. I had to show a picture of me engaged in a hobby that I enjoy.

Oh God, who am I kidding? I don't have deadlines or people.. .I've got a doctor's appointment to deal with my incontinence.

See you Monday.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Pass on the Gift of Learning.. Buy a Book

A blogging buddy of mine is doing this awesome project from the country of her daughter - Guatemala.

Check out Vanessa's blog. She's the Oprah of blogging.

She's an adoptive mom of a fantastic child from Guatemala. She's got this great project going on - an online Osbourne book sale for the Tierra Linda school in Guatemala. She will be delivering the books there herself. The sale will close at midnight on January 20th.

Please help her in this project and help get the word out because the school can earn free books for people ordering. Plus, you can even donate spanish titles to the school and the school will receive the donated books as well as the free books!!

Here's what inspired Vanessa, in her own words: "I adopted my sweet little girl from Guatemala and seeing the poverty there has really tugged at my heart strings to help as much as I can. I figured an education will have a lasting affect so this trip will be focused on the school!! I'm doing the book sale and I'm also collecting school supplies to ship down and I'm hoping for a wonderful turn out!! Last year they had 250 children registered and a mere 6 books for them to use!! It just amazes me that was all they had!! Some of the children sit on the floor and the teacher's didn't have desk or shelving in the classroom!!! I just can't imagine having to send my child to a school like that!!"

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

It Never Hurts...

I hate chain mail. I don't believe in them and they are a waste of my email space. What kills me is that you are supposed to send them to 10 of your bestest friends in the whole wide world. My argument is that if these 10 people are my bestest friends, there's no way in hell I'm going to proactively try to get them to start ignoring me by sending them chain mail.

So, here's my deal. I kind of like the following good luck chain mail that was emailed to me. Golly gee, wouldn't be it cool if it were true? So.. instead of bothering you all, I'm just going to post this. Since there's a few hundred people who visit this site, it's like emailing to all you guys.. so my good luck is going to be multiplied by 10s.

This is the email chain mail. Just the fact that you came to this site constitutes my having sent it to you. It's the 2008 way of doing things. Email is soooo 2006.

And yes, you guys are being sucker punched with this. It's now in your hands. And I'm going to sit back and wait for my phone call.

This is spooky
OK guys, this truly is freaky, the phone literally rang as soon as I read the last word of this email!!!!!
I am taking the bait - what do I have to lose right? Hope it works! Supposedly The Phone Will Ring Right After You Do This. Just read the little stories and think of a wish as you scroll all the way to the bottom. There is a message there - then make your wish. No attachment on this one.
Stories :
I'm 13 years old, and I wished that my dad would come home from the army, because he'd been having problems with his heart and right leg. It was 2:53 p.m. When I made my wish. At 3:07 p.m.(14 minutes later), the doorbell rang, and there my Dad was, luggage and all!!

I'm Katie and I'm 20 and I've been having trouble in my job and on the verge of quitting. I made a simple wish that my boss would get a new job. That was at 1:35and at 2:55 there was an announcement that he was promoted and was leaving for another city. Believe me...this really works!!!

My name is Ann and I am 45 years of age. I had always been single and had been hoping to get into a nice, loving relationship for many years. While kind of daydreaming (and right after receiving this email) I wished that a quality person would finally come into my life. That was at 9:10 AM on a Tuesday. At 9:55 AM a FedEx delivery man came into my office. He was cute, polite and could not stop smiling at me. He started coming back almost everyday (even without packages) and asked me out a week later. We married 6 months later and now have been happily married for 2 years. What a great email it was!!

Just scroll down to the end, but while you do, think of a wish. Make your wish when you have completed scrolling. Whatever age you are, is the number of minutes it will take for your wish to come true. ex. you are 25 years old, it will take 25 minutes for your wish to come true). However, if you don't send this to people in 5 minutes, you will have bad luck for years!!

Go for it!!!

Congratulations!!! Your wish will now come true in your age minutes.
Now follow this can be very rewarding!!!!
If you send this to 10 more people, other than the 5 that you already have to send to, something major that you've been wanting will happen.

Message: This is scary! The phone will ring right after you do this!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Shout Out Galore!

This is my favorite part - when my adoption blogging buddies have finally come to the end of their waiting journey and start down another road as parents.

Here's to Leslie (Haiti, Ethiopia) who is currently in Ethiopia to meet and bring home her daughter G. Leslie's an amazing woman with an endless heart. G is an older child with HIV.

I actually have good news coming out of China and it doesn't involve the 5 year wait! Salome's Mom (Mongolia, China)is in China now (as in, as I type this 'now') to meet and bring home Cael, their son.

Kristin (Vietnam) has a referral of an adorable little girl!

Christy (Kazakhstan) is in Kaz right now with her lovely daughter, Zahri. She is spending six weeks there bonding and having a great time.

As a reminder of how precarious and fragile any adoption journey can be, please give your thoughts to Ted and Lori and their adorable baby Abernezer (Ethiopia). They were given A's referral, the birth mother wanted A to be adopted and the court denied it without any reason. There's still hope as the court will meet again this week.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Why Cry?

I admit it. I'm a crybaby. I cry at commercials, Disney films, at a restaurant that has mutton on the menu. Sometimes I have no idea why I cry. Of course I'll deny it and say it's allergies. But pity the fool who's with me and have to figure out why the hell I'm crying.

So needless to say, if I can't understand why I'm crying, how am I to know why my baby is crying??

Evidently there's this product out on the market that will translate your baby's cries. It's called WhyCry. Check it out.

This high-tech analyzer lets you know if baby is hungry, tired, stressed, bored, or is experiencing discomfort. It also claims to be 98% reliable.

Friday, January 11, 2008

I Have New Pants

Are any of you prospective adoptive parents taking language lessons? I started to take some and am on the lame chapter that has me reciting sentences like 'I have new pants. My friend bought a new shirt. The shirt is orange.'

As a veteren traveler, I know that those sentences are useless overseas. So I compiled a list of phrases that you really need to learn. They are lifesavers.

However, when it comes to dealing with the Embassy, Visa people, or orphanage, you're on your own.

Upon Arrival
I have nothing to declare.
That’s a vibrating back massager. Seriously.

In the Taxi from Airport to Hotel
Please turn the meter on.
Your brother’s hotel sounds very nice, but I have reservations at another hotel.
Please slow down, I am getting carsick.
Jesus, Joseph, Mary! Sheep on the road!
Yes, the dead sheep will offer a feast. But must it ride beside me?
I will change the tire, but don't expect a tip.

At the Hotel Desk
I would like your least expensive room.
I would like a better room.
Do you have any sheets without blood stains?
If paper is not permitted in the toilet, where do I discard the used toilet paper?

At Local Markets
No monkey testicles today, madam. Do you sell peanut butter?
Are you sure this Praba bag is an authentic Prada bag?

In a Fix with Authority or Hooligans
Have I broken a law?
May I offer you a gift of money?
Did I say American? I meant Canadian.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Privacy Please. Please Knock.

You know those door signs that say 'Privacy Please' and are hung on hotel room doors? I mean, seriously, who are they kidding when they hang them? They should know that it's an invitation for people to knock on their doors for sh*ts and giggles.

Well, I'm going to hang a privacy please sign on two postings coming up and am giving you an invitation to come knock on my door. Just send an email to me (it's listed on the about me page) with your name, blog address (if you have one) and email address... and I'll forward you the link to the hidden posting with the password.

But don't worry about this site going password protect. Ain't going to happen. It's just for a few posts that will be private. This blog continues to be open with daily postings.

Damn. Now I have the theme song of Three's Company playing in my head:

Come and knock on our door
We've been waiting for you
Where the kisses are hers and hers and his
Three's company, too!
Come and dance on our floor
Take a step that is new
We've a loveable space that needs your face
Three's company, too!
You'll see that life is a ball again and
laughter is callin' for you
Down at our rendezvous,
Three's company, too!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Bite Me

If you're like me, you're a freak. Especially when it comes to milestones and preserving memories.

If I had it my way, I'd make a necklace out of my baby's umbilical cord and call it high fashion. But in the adoption world, that's just not feasible. And perhaps in the real world, it's just not sanitary... but that's besides the point.

In the first few years at home, there will be tons of milestones in the making. I'm already prepared for them.

The main one will be when she loses her baby teeth. Instead of putting them in a keepsake box never to be seen again, I've got a better idea. I'm making them into a necklace and calling it high fashion.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Chewing the Fat

I really don't know what that means but I just looked it up. Evidentally, it means have a long, friendly chat with someone. So I guess blogging is the same as chewing the fat. However, in my case, I'm not just chewing - I'm swallowing. I'm starting to form a blogging butt or, what I like to call, waiting-for-a-referral butt.

There's a new contraption you can attach to your desk to give you a workout as you refresh your email box every 30 seconds to see if your referral has come in yet.

Check it out here.

UPDATE: I'm sooo with you commentators... only order it if the guy comes with it.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

If I Never Get a Referral - A Retrospective in Dolls

Not quite giving up hope, I find a way to pay the adoption costs through the next few years.

After a few years and no longer able to afford (financially or emotionally)waiting, I slip into a deep depression. Out of desperation I transfer my love for children to cats. I soon adopt hundreds of orphaned cats.

But, without children , I still have to find a way to feed my nurturing needs and cravings. I therefore resort to food to find comfort.

One day as I walk to the fridge, my ankles give out due to my massive weight. I fall down, never to get up again. Unable to get a crane strong enough to lift my corpse out of the house, the fire department decides to let nature (i.e. the cats) take over. The end.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Getting a Head Start as a Stage Mom

It's hard to be humble when your baby girl is the most precious thing on the face of this earth. She's the envy of every bitch (I mean this literally, and you'll see in just a sec.) In fact, I should check my phone messages because I bet Steven Speilberg left a message begging to have my baby star in his upcoming flick.

I got a head start in the stage mom business already. I'm learning the ropes, so to speak. My little baby girl, Petunia, has been scouted by a talent agent and is in a national advertising campaign. The ad was recently featured on the JumboTron in Times Square NYC over Thanksgiving.

Okay, okay... I might need to mention that Petunia is in fact a dog. A female dog. Seriously, a dog. A minature dog. But a cute dog, nonetheless.

Petunia needs to build up her portfolio so mommy can retire soon and live the high life in lalaland. Since there aren't any child pet labour laws, I'm figuring I can milk her cuteness for as much as possible. Ahhh.. spoken like a true stage mom. Gotta love it.

Anyhoo, I gotta practice so after I bring home my bundle of love from Uz, we'll be on every agent's speed dial. The cuteness factor will be insane.. Petunia and baby girl.

Here's the ad she (Petunia, that is) was in. You need to squint to see her. She's being held by the girl on the right:

If you'll excuse us now, we're going to have lunch at The Ivy to be seen and photographed.

EDIT: FYI, Petunia is a Doodle (toy poodle/minature daschund mix) and is 3 years old.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

And Ya'll Thought *I* Was Pathetic

This just takes it to a whole 'nother level.

Actually, who am I kidding? It's only a matter of days until you see me walking around town with one of these dolls. They are only $250.

They are called Re-Borns. They are baby dolls that look real. I kid you not. In fact, some of the babies are, get this, on life-support. Click on the 'Re-Born' link and you can see for yourself.

Check out this 3 minute documentary called My Fake Baby that takes a look at adult women who buy the Re-Borns and treat them like real live, honest-to-god infants.

On the plus side, the notion of a baby that doesn't cry, poop, or grow up is kind of cool. And I can also use the carpool lane with my fake baby in the car.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Nice Little Travel Advisory

Yes, yes... I can go off the beated path in my blog and be serious for a post or two and provide a public service.

So for all you peeps getting ready to travel to meet your bundle of joy, please note that as of yesterday, the federal government enforced a new rule regarding traveling with lithium batteries. Those batteries are commonly used in computers and digital cameras. So for those planning to bring spare batteries while abroad, be sure to check out the new rules and requirements.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

If I Said You Had a Beautiful Body Would You Hold it Against Me

Are you a multitasker? Have a lot of balls juggling in the air? Is baby crying to be held but you only have two hands and both of them are busy doing the wash and cooking?

Well, fear not, as I have found the perfect solution for you!

I'm not sure what's the bigger 'kicker'.. the cool idea of this invention or the parental warning that is dispensed on the packaging. I'll get to that in a bit.

I'd like to introduce the Zaky Pillow. The pillow was created by a Texan mom who had some trouble keeping her newborn son comfortable and quiet. It is designed to simulate a warm, human touch. It comes in the form of a large hand, with the appropriate weight and size being as real as an actual thing (to the baby, at least). Parents themselves will be able to feel as though they’re laying their hand on their baby even when they’re busy with other chores in the house.

Now here is the real kicker and it's on the website: This is a transitional item and should not be used as a permanent fixture in the baby’s life.

Of course, no one bothered to tell some grown men this as the girlfriend hizamakura (literally - knee pillow) continues to be a best seller in Japan.