Friday, December 28, 2007

Looking Back, Looking Ahead

2007. What a year it was! Like an angel, it had glorious wings.

I rang in the new year forging ahead with my Nepal adoption and in April the doors were shut. They suspended all international adoptions. In late April I signed on to adopt from Uz and it's been fast forward ever since. I started this blog in May with only my parents and sister as readers and now I have some of the best blogging buddies a gal could ask for. Heck, I even have a blogging buddy in Qatar. Throughout the year many on my blogroll have received referrals, some have returned home with their bundles of joy, others have started their second or third adoption, and some continue to be amazed by the wonders that their children bring into their daily lives.

I spent a few months working on my dossier. Found out where my city's Free Clinic is located for the medical portion of the dossier. Even got asked on a date by a guy there while I was waiting to get my STD testing done. Go figure. I somehow swept through the fingerprinting process, got approved by the gov, another miracle in and of itself, and my dossier hightailed it to my baby's homeland where it currently resides.

Even today I'm still getting annoying emails and postal mail from adoption agencies that I briefly communicated with. I have since told them I've moved on, but like all the stalkers I've had, they just don't get the message.

As this is the last post for 2007, I want to end it not only walking down memory lane but looking ahead.

2008, in a word, promises to be GREAT.

I'll turn 40, bring home baby, and get my adoption novel completed.

So, on the wings of a lovely, lovely angel, I bid 2007 sayonara and 2008 hello.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

I've Got to Go Potty

Yes, yes, I know I may have a potty mouth but really, at heart, I'm just a public-potty-phobe. I hate the idea of potty germs floating around me. That's why when I go to public restrooms I never talk, chew gum, or breathe through my mouth. My mouth is clamped shut. I don't want strangers' fecal germs getting inside me.

So, as you can see, I have a fear of public bathrooms.

My greatest fear is what to do when I absolutely must go and I have baby with me. How do I put her on my lap while trying to do my business? And more importantly, how do I make sure she doesn't go all Britney Spears on me and walk/crawl around the bathroom floors?! Or even get all Larry Craig on me and try to get into the next stall over.

Well, you all should know me well enough by now to know that I've found the perfect solution! It's these adorable hanging baby swings with door hooks. How cool is that?!

Rest assured I ordered mine already. I still wish I had thought of this, but whatever.

Oh... and speaking of going potty. How cool are these $425 pills that turn your poop gold!!!!! It's a perfect gift for someone who has everything and wouldn't mind parading around his/her gold poop for the world to see. Here's the website for the product if you're so inclined to indulge.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

I'm Eggnogged Out

Stick a fork in me, I'm done for the holiday season. But hopefully ya'll had a great holiday!

I managed to contribute to the trillion dollar credit card debt, unintentionally do donuts on the interstate, harassed mall elves by forcing them to do the elf dance with me, spent my holiday bonus on a botched botox job, and other unmentionables that aren't worth talking about.

The bottom line is that this holiday season was the capper for a helluva year. But dontcha worry. Now that I've completed the dossier process this summer/fall and have nothing to do adoption-wise, I'll be all rested up for the Easter festivities.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Money's Tight This Season Ya'll

Friends and Family,

This adoption process is depleting my funds. I need to save whatever cash I have for my trip overseas to meet my little angel.

Having said that, I really can't afford to buy my usual extravagant gifts for you all. So, this year I decided to make some for everyone. Not the traditional knitted scarves because not all of you live where it snows and it just takes too long for me to knit. So I decided to make slippers. After all, we can all use those!

I will be making [maxi pad] bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. (see picture on the left) Please let me know your sizes.

Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.

Happy Holidays!

Hugs and Kisses,

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Buying Gifts for the In-Country Staff

It's that time of year. The time when stores are having their Once-A-Year-Only-MEGA-SALE. And dammit, I'm going to milk it for all I can and buy all the gifts that I need for my trip to meet my bundle of joy. So I made a list of what to buy. Here goes:

Whiskey for the men.
Perfume for the women.
Sport watches for men.

Coin purses for women.

Okay, I had problems with this one. There just aren't any great ones out there.

And then I came across some unique but gorgeous mink or beaver or whatever coin purses. I figured the fur part would add a nice glamour touch to the gift.
They feel soft and luxurious.

And then I opened it.

And then I closed it and put it back on the display table.

Scarves, I thought. Yes, scarves will be great gifts and they take up less room in the luggage.

Wanna Wrestle on the Map?

It's that time of year again for holiday parties. And at those parties, the endless stream of adoption questions.

"Where is it you're adopting from? A-buck-a-man? U-mounted-Stan? What's the name???'

Me: Um, Uzbekistan.

And then you have to point it out on the map. Now that can get tricky if you are presented with pre-WW2 maps or whatnot. So, here's my trick... look for the picture in the shape.

(I know some of you have seen the last four.. but not the first. I drew it this a.m.)

Ta da!!! Look for the country shaped like a sumo wrestler! Or..
Resting camel that's facing Eastward. Or..
a dead bird... Or..
A seahorse, of course.. And finally,
A happy crab!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

File This Under: D'oh! Why Didn't I Think of This

Hot damn.

The one thing the waiting process has afforded me was time to explore Momtrepreneur ideas.

And what's really annoying is that all these New and Improved products out on the market are things I thought of a looooooong time ago. Okay, that's not really true but do me a favor and act like it is.

Johnson and Johnson has a new Sleeping Lotion out for babies. It's essentially the same baby lotion but infused with lavendar, which we all know has a calming effect. There's a pacifier that has a shell around it so when it falls out of the baby's mouth and hits the ground, it closes, thus keeping out the icky germs. That's an easy-peasy design. The case just sits on the baby's mouth and when there's nothing to hold it open, it closes.

I mean.. Hello?!?! what's left for me to invent?? Ice cold towelettes to put on your kid's head when s/he's having a temper tantrum? It's a well known fact that cold water shocks people into silence. ((Okay.. so this may have been declassified by the U.S. Army after questionable torture practices.. but nevertheless... it works.)

And now the Japanese have introduced baby mop. How ingenious is this??! I mean, the baby's crawling after all, so you might as well get some mileage out of it. I bet this inventor is going to make a killing from it, if marketed right.
And for those who don't have any hardwood floors, just carpeting, baby will just be generating static electricity. Which.. EUREKA!!!!! could be used to help power all the Christmas lights! All she has to do is crawl around and then touch the lights and viola! they're on.
Of course, it would be the responsible thing to do is to make sure the onesie baby is wearing is inflammable.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Teaching Our Kids Anatomy - Nature Style

If you're like me, you want your child to know about the human body and understand how it works. I was looking at some toys and realized that even though some are sophisticated (and by that I mean, it 'drinks' water and 'pees' it), they just don't tell kids about the body. I mean, look at Barbie, How the heck is she to be educating young kids. I mean, seriously, how do a kidney, liver, sm. and lg. intestines, spleen, stomach, bladder, and whatever else the hell we have inside of us fit into Barbie's 2 cm. waist??

So, I found this nifty educational toy. For starters, living out here in the midwest where my autumns are spent counting the number of dead deer on the side of the road and summers by trying to ride my bike fast enough to outpedal the stench of roadkill, this toy is perfect.

Also, this toy doesn't show anything my daughter's not going to see by just looking out the driveway. Furthermore, it could be a great learning toy to get her jump-started on a career as a vet.

I introduce to you, the Road Kill Toy. According to the website, "Our Squash-plush range looks like roadkill. Feels like roadkill. And tastes like roadkill. But they’re not. They’re plush toys. Very macabre plush toys. It’s the way we make them that makes them seem so real. The blood and guts and gore are made using the latest high-tech stuffing and plush, to give it quite a realistic squidgy effect.

The body and head and legs are made from specially sourced plush material, that gives them that tactile quality of mangy fur. The body is partly stuffed with beads, to give it extra dead weight. And unlike real roadkill it’s something you’ll want to take home and arrange on your bed."

You know, the fact that it 'tastes' like roadkill (whatever that means), might be a good way to teach kids not to put rancid meat into their mouths.

Just a thought.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Who Lit the Fuse on Your Tampon?

Waiting's a bitch. It sucks and you have to deal with crappy questions everyday. "When are you traveling?" "Do you have a baby yet?" yadda yadda yadda. It grows old after the first hour and then it gets to the point where you start getting cranky and moody.

Most people file your attitude under 'must be that time of the month.' Actually, that's putting it mildly. Most people are thinking 'Holy Shit. Who lit the fuse on her tampon?!?!' Well, get used to it because it's going to be that time of month from now until I get on the big bird to fly across the ocean.

And speaking of 'that time of month'and traveling, I discovered a great gadget to take along on one's trip that provides extra feminine protection. It's the Pink Stinger (pictured, above left), a stun gun creatively disguised as a tampon...except for the buttons, prods and high voltage. This weapon of mass absorption can be used to protect your precious bundles of joy (baby or dossier) when some scary looking man looks like he's going to make a grab for them and run.

Now you can just yank out (from your purse, not elsewhere, um, on or in the body) the Pink Stinger and taser the bad man. Although at first he might just be grossed out or confused that your are going to do something to him with a tampon of all things, but once he comes out of his stunned stupor, he'll be none the wiser.

And ladies, just a friendly reminder, do NOT use this as a tampon. It will hurt.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Just You Wait. We'll Win Season 16

For reals, peeps. Baby and I are so going to win this reality show mom/daughter beauty contest during Season 15. The CW network debuted the new series last night: Crowned: Mother of All Beauty Pageants.

Each week, the 11 desparately pathetic, yet peroxided-to- pass-as-conventential-beauty mom/daughter teams compete in challenges that prepare them for the ultimate goal of wearing a $1.98 piece of faux diamond tiaras - from tasks such as engaging in catty hair grabbing matches with french manicured nails, name calling on a 5-word maximum vocabulary, and dressing like $3 call girls that would make even the $2 call girls cringe.

Nonono. I kid! I kid!

The challenges on this intellectually stimulating show are those such as branding a style via costumes and swimwear to creating ways to express their view on world issues.

Whatevs. It still sounds like a winner. Be sure to watch us on Season 15. Here are some recent TV critics' reviews:

"...Because the CW's "Crowned: The Mother of All Beauty Pageants" debuts tonight and I'm telling you, as a television consumer and a human being, the center will not hold. Reality TV is no longer an option. The genre has officially hit the seventh level of hell."-- Mary McNamara, Los Angeles Times

"There's something a little creepy about these family units. These mothers, in their 40s and 50s, admire their offspring to the point of worship yet also seem envious of them, doing everything medically possible to look like their daughters."-- John Maynard, Washington Post

"If "Crowned" were a doughnut, it would be stale, greasy and not worth the calories....[The] critiques from [judges Shannon] Moakler and [Cynthia] Garrett that are so vague and nonsensical ("Your name is your brand. Tell us what we don't know."), they make Paula Abdul sound like a doctoral candidate."-- Karla Peterson, San Diego Union-Tribune

"...The real-life drama and heartaches of mother-daughter teams competing for a pageant crown--because it's their last chance for happiness. For real."-- Ira Madison, Radar

Monday, December 10, 2007

Spreading the Love, Olsen Style

I'm still looking for cute little gifts for my bundle of joy. I want to spread positive, self-affirming messages to her as she grows. Because let's face it, life's not going to be easy. For starters, there's the adoption issue. Why doesn't she look like mommy? Okay, granted that mommy may have been around quite a few blocks, that the whispers most likely will be 'ohhh.. maybe baby got her looks from mommy's one-night adventure.' And then there's the single mommy issue she'll have to endure.

The list is endless.

As a young girl, I always found comfort in Kewpie dolls. They are so cute, strange, and just downright lovable. What's not to like?

You'll recall those Kewpie dolls that are promoting bondage, we'll now there's one that's aimed for young girls. What says 'friendship' more than young girls sharing and bonding over the torturous world of non-existent cottage cheese thighs and muffin tops? Teen Vogue and Seventeen magazines do monthly features of the close friendships that are formed over the daily trip to commode, head first.


So.. here's to the latest fashion trend... aneroxia Kewpie.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Party Fun for Baby, Party Dissing Fun for Mommy

There's always that one family that outdoes the rest of the block or school when it comes to their kid's parties. They have the more extravagant, more fun, more lively party. In the playground circles, it's the most talked about social event of the year.

Forget trying to convince your kid that friendship and popularity is based on personality. Unless you hire a party planner, you can be sure that your lame-assed cupcake party with pin-the-tail on the donkey is going to scream 'welfare family.'

So, I'm prepared for this. There's no way in hell I'm going to pay for an event planner for my kid's birthday when that money can be better spent on necessities such as botox and martinis for mommy. In any case, I found a rental (shhhh) that will not only soar my daughter's popularity through the stratosphere, but mommy's too.

So.. here's my plan. You see that lovely Pikachu balloony-bouncy thingy pictured above? Well, for starters I love all things Japanese, since I lived there for many years. Anyhoo.. I'm ordering that for my daughter's birthday party next year.

When little Johnny or Susie from 'the nicer side of the tracks' calls for Daddy to join them inside Ms. Tasha Kent's Pikachu, I'm going to look over at the wife, smirk and wink.

After all, look at where the entry into Ms. Tasha Kent's Pikachu is located. There's only one way in, and one way out.


Wednesday, December 5, 2007

When I've Got the Baby Blues, I Eat a Pie

File this under one of the top 10 reasons why adoption beats out pregnancy.

The following is a trend that I'm soooo glad I'm missing out on. There's an alarming number of women who believe that one way of dealing with post-partum depression is for a new mom to eat her own placenta. The practice, placentophagy, seems to be a trend that's making strides. According to a story on MSNBC today, 80% of new moms suffer from post-partum depression, aptly named the "baby blues." The theory is that devouring the placenta helps them feel better but there are no studies on the efficacy of the practice for humans. "The placenta does produce estrogen and progesterone," says Mavis Schorn, the director of the nurse midwifery program at Vanderbilt University School of Nursing. "So the theoretical idea is that it may help, but there's absolutely no research on it."

There's a whole Google category of recipe suggestions for the placenta.. things such as grinding it up and adding it to lasagne or use it as a pizza topping.

By the way, I've taken the liberty of uploading a picture of a human placenta... just so you know how gross it is. I mean, this is what some people are adding to their frigging pizzas!

I'd like to point out that there are studies that have proven that adoptive moms tend to suffer from post-adoption depression as well. It's been well-documented and some moms have even written about it.

However, I'd like to think that when they (or, soon to be 'we') get depressed, we take the high road and devour a box of tasty and chocolately Ho-Hos and Ding Dongs. And as we are eating them, we realize what funny names those delicious snacks are and laugh ourselves silly by abbreviating them and singing 'I'm a Ho eating a Dong.'

I guess how one battles post-partum or post-adoption depression is a personal choice. My preference would be with a pitcher of margaritas and a box of Ho Hos. Others, I suppose, would prefer to save womb for dessert.

Bottom line is that food is the answer to all of life's miseries.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

If Happy Cows Make Better Cheese, Then...

Nonono.. this isn't a breast milk posting. Sheesh. You people have no faith in me.

What I am trying to say is that fatter babies make happier kids. So for my adoption, I'll take an order of a fat baby to go, please.

According to a recent study, smaller infants were prone to a life of anxiety and depression. Right now, I'm figuring that's about right as I was a big infant myself and I'm pretty happy and stress-free. Or, rather, I just don't give a rat's ass about much.

But I really do question the merits of this study.

I have a friend who is thin and gorgeous to boot, (she was a small baby) and she's so happy that she's practically pissing rainbows and unicorns (of course, half the time she's as high as a kite.. but that's besides the point). I have another friend who was a big baby and her therapist practically has a restraining order against her.

So, I ask you...
a) were you a big baby and are depressed out of your skull?
b) were you a big baby and think life is full of sunshine and puppy dogs?
c) were you a small baby and are happy go lucky?
d) were you a small baby and think living and loving are for the strong and brave?

Monday, December 3, 2007

When Kids' Toys Go Bad (and by 'bad', I mean 'ooooh so bad' grrrowl)

I don't even know where to begin. Or even how to start this blog post while maintaining the high sense of decorum and dignity that you all have come to expect from me as a blogger.

But let me try this approach ... you know how some things are marketed for one purpose but you and/or McGuyver find many other purposes for it? For example nail polish is used to color nails but can be used to stop a run on your pantyhose; a jelly jar was intended to hold jelly but is more often used as a flower vase; milk crates are converted to bookcases; wire hangers can be used to break into cars; etc. etc. You get my drift. Okay.. hold on to that. I'm going to come back to it.

You also may recall that I've been looking into cute little girly-girl gifts and the ultimate princess idol is Hello Kitty. If you are new to this blog, feel free to visit the posting about how Hello Kitty has the ultimate bad girl gift... a gun.

But I think I've come across something more 'feral' regarding Hello Kitty. It's getting to the point where the Hello Kitty people need to revisit their marketing plan. I mean, I can't be giving my daughter Hello Kitty gifts AT ALL. It just ain't right. In fact, it's downright criminal.

Case in point, Sanrio, the Hello Kitty people, have reintroduced the Hello Kitty line of shoulder massages. Now, these skinny and vibrating pink shafts were a HUGE seller in the 70s when they were first introduced. Can you imagine why? Well, that takes me back to the first paragraph.

According to today's NYT's article, "The vice president for marketing for Sanrio’s American division, Andrea Sobel, stands by the wholesome intentions of the Hello Kitty brand. “I have no idea what people may have used it for,” she said. “The product was marketed as a shoulder massager. That’s what it was sold as.”

Yeah. Right. Just like I'm sure the people who sell Rubber Cement glue are convinced that people only buy it to glue two slabs of paper together.

New Diaper Rash Cure.. better yet, Feast on My Butt

It's dry here in Vegas but back home it's freezing. Both conditions are enough to make me one big bundle of flaking skin and super cracked lips. Which, in turn, makes me think of painful diaper rash. Which, in turn, makes me worry about my little bundle of joy and how I need to find the next best thing to Desitin, the diaper rash creme.

So, I searched high and low for what's the next sanitary invention that's going to keep my babylove's bottom nice and smooth and pain-free. And get this.. I found it! Better yet, it's indigenous to Uzbekistan!

It's called doctor fish. These little fishies are native to the rivers of the Middle East and Central Asia.

In Japan, spa goers suffering from a variety of skin ailments, most notably psoriasis, come to have their problem areas picked clean by the hungry doctor fish. The cute little fishy-wishy will pick at dead and affected areas of the skin, which allows the healthy skin to grow in its place.

Supposedly the feeding sessions (for the fish) cure most skin conditions and it's rather therapeutic.

I checked with a bunch of pet stores and they don't carry them. You need a special export license. Furthermore, aquarium conditions are also unsuitable for doctor fish as they'll only feast on human flesh when they're in a natural enclosure.