Tuesday, July 22, 2008

CNN Reporter Wants to Hear about Your Adoption

A (freelance) reporter from CNN wants to hear from people who have exchanged sexual favors for better service, a more favorable ranking, etc. So that got me thinking.. hey I bet there are some parents out there who made a deal with the USCIS, adoption agency, facilitator, or social worker.

It's okay honey. Ain't no shame in that. God knows what I've done for a simple Big Mac Combo Meal.

Here's what the (freelance) reporter submitted for requests:

"Have you ever used casual sex (outside a committed or dating relationship) to get someone to assemble that Ikea shelving unit you just bought, help you move, do your taxes, edit your masters thesis, cut you a deal on the rent, or any other favor? Or have you seduced the UPS delivery guy/gal, contractor renovating your kitchen, or any other laborer working in your home (and perhaps even got a discount on the work they were doing in the process)? If so, I want to hear from you: did your bartering tactic work, how did you feel after the fact, and have you used sex as a bartering tool again?

I also want to hear from those whove had sex offered to them in exchange for a favor (even if you werent asked to do the favor until after the fact) or contractors, landscapers, and the like whove been hit on while doing a job in someones home. What was the outcome? Did you go for it? Did you do the favor or cut them a price break after the fact? Did this lead to any later headaches or did everyone come away with what they wanted?"

Yes, this is a real request for sources.

Please hurry, her deadline is July 24.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Yo, Where's Your Frigging Homestudy?

Okay.. get your collective 'awwwww's out of the way.

I know (and I agree) that the stories of dogs, cats, dolphins, whales, playtapusses, and gophers adopting orphaned babies of other species is so gosh-darned cute. Who doesn't like to view pictures of those?!?!

But, girlfriends, I'm tired of those mommas just adopting orphans with little to no hassle. I mean, seriously, don't your insides just turn when you ready that Fluffy or Spot was able to take on an orphan without having to complete a dossier? Or submit to endless fingerprinting? How about trying to get through to Homeland Security, the FBI, and local police? Or not even trying to explain to the social worker why they run around naked and poop outdoors?

I mean, enough is enough. They should be forced to at the very least submit a homestudy report. Fair is fair.

And for your reading pleasure, I am posting a few photos of these (what I call) illegal adoptions.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Please Send My Name as a Write In

How the hell did I get overlooked???? Those boogers were blinded by my beauty.


You know you wanna see me pose!

It'll be a dream come true for all you readers of my blog.

Click here and find how to protest that my name/blog wasn't on the list.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Babyluv Goes Nudi

Fortunately, my love for Babyluv is as deep as the ocean.

Unfortunately, my immaturity is as deep as the ocean too.

I break out into uncontrollable giggle fits when I hear the words dicker, pussy willow, organism, penetrate, and sextuple. ((Okay this is really besides the point but believe it or not, I will come back to this point in a bit.))

Because my love is so deep, I wanted to find a way to not only show the world my love for her but to immortalize it as well.

Some people immortalize their love for someone by commissioning the Taj Mahal, others by naming hospital wings after their loved ones, and others sacrifice their only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

But me, I found a more practical way of immortalizing my deep-as-the-ocean-love for Babyluv. I'm having a new ocean species named after her. It's a nudibranch worm. (SHUT UP! Worms are the cheapest species available for naming purposes). The international oceanography group is offering newly-found species to be named after people for a certain price. Here's how to do it.

Anyhoo.. I thought the nudibranch was appropriate because I would hoot with laughter because of the 'nudi' part of the name.

The whole naming thing costs $15,000. Does anyone have that for me to borrow? I mean, I could try to work something out with Eliot, Charlie, and Peter from the post below but I'm too much of a lady for that.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Translating 'ew' and 'ick' into Adoption Costs

Men. Especially married men. Those married to gorgeous women.

If you're like me, you've been tickled pink with the sordid details coming from Christy Brinkley's divorce trial. Her soon-to-be-ex-husband spent $3,000 a frigging month to pay for online porn sites. Oh.. here's an 'eww..ick' factor.. he used his webcam to film himself 'spanking his monkey.'

So.. let's take a look here how all this naughtiness could pay for an adoption.

$50 (notary, certification, apostille fees)
$15,000 (agency fees) ((NOTE: He spent up to $80k.. but I'll just do a 1-month breakdown))
$2000 for Christmas Day Romp (travel fees) ((NOTE: spent up to $35k))
$3000 (homestudy) ((NOTE: I feel bad putting her picture in it but no one really knows who he is when pictured alone.))

And there you have it.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Getting Ready for July 4th, 2009

Next year Babyluv and I will be hosting a July 4th bbq with hotdogs, burgers, firecrackers, and beer.

In fact, she'll be drinking with me.

Relax.. there's a new product on the market (at least in Japan) called Kidsbeer. There's an article on it titled: Kidsbeer proves hit suds for minors.

According to the article, Kidsbeer, a nonalcoholic brew aimed at children, is catching on with young drinkers and is posting monthly shipments of 75,000 bottles, according to maker Tomomasu Co.

It goes on to say "kids and other people "can raise a glass with this, even if they cannot drink any liquor." Satoshi Tomoda, president of the beverage maker, said: "Children copy and mimic adults. "If you get this drink ready on such occasions as events and celebrations attended by kids, it would make the occasions even more entertaining." The Kidsbeer label captures a nostalgic mood as it was modeled after classic beer labels.

The best part and the truth is the product's advertising slogan: Even kids cannot stand life unless they have a drink.

I get weepy as a proud momma picturing Babyluv saying "Damned Straight" to that.

Monday, June 30, 2008

I'd Toss Up Last Night's Dinner

A sect in India has a very unique way to give strength to their babies - By tossing their babies off a 50 foot tower!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

When Hell Freezes Over

Two things you need to know about me.
1. I gag at the sight and smell of poop. Seriously.
2. I'm cuckoo for infomercials.

Put those two together and I'm bound to discover something earth-shattering.

Introducing Poop Freeze. Honest to God, this is a product. Not a novelty joke but a patented product. It's going to change the world.

The premise is that if you're tired of trying to scoop up wet, runny, globs of dog shit, then all you need to do is spray this Poop Freeze on the goopy, squishy poop and it hardens so you can just tear it off the grass.

Well, in my ingenious head, I thought .. why not spray it on Babyluv's ass?? Instead of wasting Wipes and getting squishy poop on my fingers, just wait for it to freeze and then peel it off her butt.

I'll be saving the environment too.

God, I'm so smart.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Getting Your Parents to Help You Finance Your Adoption

1. Some parents just hand over a check to help cover costs.
2. Others provide free babysitting.
3. And others really want to help you and be a part of the adoption process but just can't afford it.

If your parents fall into category #3, there's hope!!

There's a new rage nowadays called Elder Porn. Time magazine did an article on it. Click here to read it.

74-year-old Shigeo Tokuda, one of the biggest stars in elder porn, has starred in more than 350 movies in the past 14 years. Shigeo's movies have become best sellers for Glory Quest, the porn company he works for.

Shigeo said that he plans to work as long as they continue casting him, "People of my age generally have shame so they are very hesitant to show their private parts, but I am proud of myself doing something they cannot. That doesn't mean that I can tell them about my old-age pensioner job."

Although films featuring women in their teens and 20s are the mainstay of the industry, a trend toward "mature women" has become evident over the past five years.

Ryuichi Kadowaki, director of Ruby Inc. which specializes in "mature women" titles, says that when the company started the genre a few years ago, the term referred to actresses in their late 20s, and last year it was expanded to ladies in their 70s. And the company sees the advantage of the "mature" titles is their enduring appeal: "Adult videos with young actresses sell well only in the first three months after the release," Kadowaki explains. "On the other hand, 'mature women' films enjoy a steady, long-term popularity, which after 10 years or so might lead to a best-seller." And then there are the cost savings — a popular young actress can earn up to $100,000 per film, while a mature actress is paid only $2,000. The market for "elder porn" has doubled over the past decade, according to Kadowaki. "In the view of the aging society," he adds, "I think that in the future we will see a steady increase in demand."

So... get a head shot of your momma and poppa and send them to the film companies specializing in 'mature' actors!!

Your parents need to pay their grandparents' dues in cold, hard cash.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Hey Kazzers... Do You Know Where Your Dossier Is?


June 17, 2008 -- ALMATY, Kazakhstan - Kazakhstan's sole communication satellite, used by many of the nation's TV broadcasters, is out of control due to a computer glitch and may be lost altogether, officials said.

Kazakhstan launched the Russian-built KazSat-1 in June 2006, the first of four it aimed to have in orbit by 2020. (click here for the story)

Bring on the Borat jokes. Now folks, doesn't your dossier in-country get logged in their computer system?

God Bless the security and serenity of international adoption.


Monday, June 16, 2008

I Can't Afford a 6-Pack of Hanes Panties... How Can I Afford a Baby?

U.S. News & World Report posted this Cosmo Magazine-like quiz about whether you can afford a baby. And guess what... I took it! It's kind of surprising that I subjected myself to the humilitation because just yesterday at Target I had to return a package of Hanes Panties (high-cut briefs, FYI) because I didn't have enough cash between that and nail polish. The latter won. Story of my life.

Anyhoo... here are the questions and my thoughts:

Do you have $5,000 to $10,000 worth of savings in the bank that could go toward baby-related costs?
All of my savings are going toward the fricking airfare and extra baggage charges just to get to the fricking damned country and to pay the fricking document fees. So.. my question back to you, Mr. Quiz, is do these monies count toward adoption fees or is this after-the-adoption? If it's the latter, I'm royally screwed.

Could you live on around $1,000 less a month, the average cost of child care? If you or your partner plans to stop working, can you support your lifestyle without that second income?
Partner?? Second income?? $1000 less a month??? Hooboy.. I needed that laugh.

Do you know the details of your workplace maternity or paternity policy?
Yes, and they are crap. I plan to file long-term disability as a result of all this adoption stress. But shhhhhh... don't tell.

Could you afford to add an additional dependent to your health insurance?
I believe this is what SCHIP, welfare, government cheese program is for.

Do you have an emergency fund that would cover at least three months of living expenses?
See previous answer.

Do you have life insurance and a will?

Would you need to buy a new home or car before expanding your family?
No. I have no shame in moving back into my parents' house. Again.. this is a 'shhhhhh' issue. They haven't a clue.

Obviously the article/quiz wasn't written for adoptive parents and those of us dishing out over $40k. I think this quiz was meant for those who invest $1.99 on faulty condoms.

In any case, I still managed to score a decent score.

Click here to take the quiz.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Milking My Maternity Leave

Leave it to the alcohol companies. They are the true corporations looking out for your best interest.

If you're like me, you're in a dead-end job with a shitty maternity leave policy. I get something like four weeks off. Really, how much bonding can you with a kid that has spent her/his entire infancy in an orphanage without daily one-on-one interaction? It totally sucks.

So while drowning my misery in a few bottles of Mike's Hard Ale.. I came across their new viral marketing campaign. It totally rocks. It creates a fake news story about you..explaining why you ain't at work.

It also sends an email to your boss that reads:

Dear Dickhead (my words),

Because of what happened, I'm not going to make it in to work. You might think I'm just enjoying a summer day off in my backyard BBQing, but I'm really not.

I'm not sure if you saw my story on the local news so here's the link.

Click Here To See The News Story


Click on it.. it's cool and safe for work.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I Wanna Be A Batshit Crazy Mom Too

I'm not a mom yet, but I play one (in my head). So I do an ocassional (read: 2x daily) scan of some of my favorite mom sites. The one I'm totally digging right now is I Saw Your Nanny. It's fricking awesome.. in a nutty, paranoid, and elitist kind of way. The comments are the best part. They are time killers during this long drawn out adoption process.

Anyhoo...I just finished reading a recent post, Nudity Crackdown. In a nutshell, a mother complains that her nanny brought her little girl home in wet clothing rather than changing her in public because "the park department is cracking down on naked children at the park because of pedophiles hanging around and perverts standing around taking pictures? Has anyone heard of this? I was at Diana Ross Park on Saturday, (5/24) and there was water to be played in. Many kids were playing in it. Most had clothing on but 2 or 3 were absolutely naked. I thought this was a bit weird given that it was the weekend and there were fathers a plenty hanging out with their children."

Then the comments begin. Here are just a few of my favorites from the thread.

Mom A: If there is not a crackdown there needs to be. I am so tired of going to the beach, the playground or wherever and seeing people who have their children swimming and playing nude. Aside from pedophiles, what are you teaching your children about respecting their bodies??

Mom B: I get the whole pedophile angle and keeping your kid dressed but respecting your body? What sort of uptight repressed Victorian crap is that?

Mom C: Sorry, I don't think that teaching children to respect their bodies by keeping their privates PRIVATE is uptight at all. Sure, my kids enjoy a naked romp IN the house now and again, and I walk around topless IN the house regularly. But, when in public I feel they should be covered. A child under maybe 2 years old could be changed outside, no problem, but any older needs to use a restroom with privacy.

Mom D: Seriously?

What is wrong with you people? I am in the NYC area and I have not heard of a crackdown. True, nanny could be sparing a not so bright mama's feeling, but also it could be that nanny was lazy. Changing a child's cloths requires effort. The most effort I have seen a nanny display was wrangling the wrapper of a Mr. Goodbar in the 95 degree heat. She used her car keys, teeth and eventually, just her tongue. Oh I wish I had that photo!

Mom (I'm losing track already): No one wants to see their vagina's and penises hanging out.

Another Mom: To mom who is so grossed out by the penis or vagina of a 2 year old? Get your mind out of the slimy filthy gutter.

Mom i'm still trying to figure out how someone's vagina *hangs out* when it's an internal organ. do you mean *vulva*, the external part of the female anatomy?

Yet Another Mom:




They are children. People have been having them for eons.

Get over yourselves.

Shit-Hit-The-Fan-Crazy Mom:Undercover regular..you ares oooo wrong..I have watched you and so many of your "Liberal,regular,fellow posters" for years now and I have got to tthank you all for getting us where we are today.

You all jump down my throat every time I post..I never see things the way you do and let me just tell you..we do have a choice..but thanks to %&44##@@ voters like yourselves..instead of taking care of things and keeping our families safe..you all do your liberal magic and these damn pedophile's..discusting shits that they are get out after rehabillitation..and over 60% of them violte again!!

How do you vote MMP, mom, Cali Mom, UNdercover regular, manhattan mama,sprak??

Tha bastards,if found guilty beyond a doubt should be hung..and then perhaps we would be able to take our children to the park, school or beach without worrying so much!!

Your posts anger me to NO end..you are all the same PC jerks who have caused this problem!!

And don't for one second try to play it off like you beleive in the death penalty ..you are the ones who vote to set these freaks free!!

Your posts over the last few years give you away!!

you are all anti spanking anti death penalty, pro ilegal alien, pro positive reinforcement PC dummies who have made our sick worl what is is today!!!

Kill the pedophiles and rapists,
close the borders
spank your child and get this country back in order!!

or stop bitching ..afterall you are the ones allowing them on the very streets your children play on!

...It's me again. Hot Damn!! I can't wait to be a gen-u-wine mom to join debates like these!!!

Friday, June 6, 2008

I'd Like to Thank My Sponsors

Remember when I asked ya'll to click like crazy on my Google Ads? Well, you did and I was set to get a check for a whooping 800 bucks. However, the stupid people at Google got suspicious as to how a little ol' adoption blog was generating so many hits and researched my blog. They said that I was violating the contract by encouraging people to click.

So then I was forced to walk the streets (the online streets, that is) and find a new pimp (ie: advertisers). I found some and I never asked ya'll to click. I think a total of 14 of you clicked because I've got a check for 14 cents coming my way one of these days.

I finally decided to actually look at my blog and see who was asking to advertise on my sight.

I took a screen shot. You can click on it to get a better view.

Hot damn!!

How did an innocent little ol' adoption blog generate such advertisers? They must think my readers are all pervs.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Momma Ain't Running in Her Newly Pedicured Toes


Once they realize what purpose the legs serve, they are nonstop. Running everywhere and every which way.

Well, Momma ain't running after Babyluv every two minutes. I've got a martini to nurse, toenails to paint, and television to watch. I really can't be bothered working up a sweat looking like a branded pig running after a squealing toddler.

So I found this nifty gadget (and a swanky accessory to boot) that has a GPS installed. So, I'll let Babyluv run around to her heart's content and during commerical breaks or when my toenails are dry and drinking glass is empty, I'll just sashay a few blocks and bring Babyluv home.

The gadget is called Retreiva. Nevermind that it's a dog collar. It's actually the world's most advanced dog collar. So take that!

Plus, dog collars are the 'in' thing. It looks like high-tech fashion.

Monday, June 2, 2008

I Call Dibs (Part 2)

Wow. Ya'll seen the photos of the tribe in Brazil that has never had outside contact?? Well, I'm pretty sure I could whip up a dossier in a matter of days, if you catch my drift.

Countdown for some unscrupulous agency announce that they are "in talks with officials" to start a pilot program with the tribe in 5....4....3....2....

I Call Dibs (Part 1)

Photo source

Thursday, May 29, 2008

A UZ Story: An Ambassador, A Hooker, and a Boiling Man

God, how I love a good international espionage/thriller novel with edge-of-your-seat twists and turns.

And I love it even more if it's actually true.

Meet Craig Murray, an ousted British Ambassador to Uzbekistan who fell in love with an Uzbek um, dancer, and hear stories of torture where they, um, boil people alive.

Here's an article on the whole sorid yet edge-of-your-seat (yeah, I'm too lazy to look up 'captivating' in the theasurus) drama.

In a nutshell, this is what the drama is all about: (before I start.. I should mention that the article states "Uzbekistan sits in the cold, rough heart of Central Asia, shaped like a jagged bit of shrapnel from the explosion of the Soviet Union." I seemed to have overlooked that when I was drawing my 'sitting camel', 'happy crab' 'dead bird' outlines from Uzbekistan.)

Okay... back to the synopsis:

The British Ambassabor, after learning that the regime there, at the urging of the US and UK, allegedly boils a man to his death, visits a strip club in Tashkent. A stripper, who becomes the star of this story wonders '"Who is that old foreigner? Does he have any money?' The Ambassador, in his memoirs recalls that day slightly different: "As I caught her glance, I felt she was drawing me into her very soul," he writes in his 2006 memoir, "Murder in Samarkand" (called "Dirty Diplomacy" in the 2007 U.S. edition). "She looked lost and anxious, like she really didn't want to be there. She defied the impossible by exuding, at the same time, such ripe sexual attraction and such innocent vulnerability. Her body invited sex while her eyes screamed, 'Save me.'"

(my notes: hey perverted old man... you're in a frigging strip club. Of course there's going to be the sexual tension dripping through the air.)

In any case, according to the article, "He tucked $20 into her embroidered panties, walked away from his wife and two children and brought his belly dancer to London to start a new life together." (note: even I don't have embroidered panties. Mine are boringly plain. Anyhoo... back to the story.)

Fast forward through the debauchery and being caught for trading sex for visas - the Ambassador is fired. He claims this was done not because of his non-Ambassador-like behavior but because he stumbled upon the American "extraordinary rendition" program, whereby terror suspects are flown for questioning to countries where they can, um, boil people.

Oh yeah.. who doesn't love a good story of sex, greed, international politics, and human stewpots. This will make for some good bedtime reading for my and Babyluv.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Say Goodbye to the Anal Probe

I've been warned. When picking up Babyluv at the orphanage, unbeknownst to her, she'll probably be hosting a party for parasites and other germs. (She gets her party animal ways from me. woot! woot!) Moreover, she'll most likely have a fever every now and then due to the change in her environment.

My fear is that I'll have to do the dreaded rectal temperature taking. I can't even bear to watch my vet take my dog's temperature. I just know I won't be able to violate Babyluv's 'bad touch' region.

Thank goodness I found this nifty gadget. It's a pacificer thermometer. How cool is this?!?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Just a Short Post

What's a hot and sexy momma-to-be to do while waiting to meet her real Babyluv?

She looks for a temporary baby-love (note the spelling difference. Never, ever, ever confuse 'Babyluv' with 'baby-love' Two totally, totally different things).

Click here.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Hey Ethiopia

It's Klaus from American Dad!

Hey Kgryxyzpqxzstan Mamas!!

In honor of Suzanne who believes that Kzyxyzstan is shaped like a spleen:

Be proud like a peacock.

A cool shark with shades! The shades are from the shape of some major lake in the country. (ciggie courtesy of Tasha.. although I wouldn't recommend it.)

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Hey Philippini Mimis!

Spotted dog catching tossed kibbles.
At the Dinosaur Display at the Museum.

Hey China Mamas

See... it's a mama bird pointing.

I obviously have no motivation to work today.

Next week I'll do Krygyzestkdthsstan, Russia and Ethiopia. Am I missing anyone?

Hey Spazzy KAZzers

You're welcome.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Hey VietnaMamas!

Ya'll know how much I looove to make Uzbekistan easy to locate on the map. Here are my samples.

Well, I decided to bide my time and help out my fellow Vietnamamas when they get asked.. 'which one is Vietnam on the map?'

I think it looks a lot like an elongated and armless Calvin from 'Calvin and Hobbes.'

What do you think?

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Too Stoopid for Baby Games


I couldn't even figure out half of these toddler learning cards.

So don't bother getting these cards as a baby gift for me or Babyluv.

What the hell is hydrogen bonding?

Friday, May 16, 2008

To My Ethiopia Sistahs'

Hey ya'll.

Today's post is all about Ethiopia. When I think of Ethiopia, I think of all my fellow international adoption mommas. When my co-worker thinks of Ethiopia, she thinks of all the great marathon runners. When my snooty Bedwetters Anonymous sponsor(SHUT UP! I don't judge YOU!) thinks of Ethiopia, she thinks of all the coffee.

What's so cool about Ethiopia is their forward thinking. The WSJ reported that the Ethiopian government commissioned a US-based advertising company to come up with a logo that will make consumers feel like they are drinking a luxury when they have Ethiopian coffee.

This month, the Ethiopian government is releasing the logos for three varieties of Ethiopian coffee beans that it hopes will eventually appear from the burlap sacks that are used to transport coffee beans to coffee cups in cafes. It is the first time the country has introduced a brand for its major export.

That is just too cool. A country creating a logo for an export.

And to conclude this post, I want to dedicate it to my BFF (blogging friend forevah') Haze. Ya'll can find her post on my blogroll thingy on the right. She's in the process to adopt her sweet Myfanwy from Ethiopia.

But my fellow adoption sistahs', please click here to leave Haze a message of goodwill and support. Show her the love!!!

I love you Haze!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Babyluv's Hero Strikes Again...


Ya'll remember 7-year-old Latarian Milton of Palm Beach Gardens, FL from last week? He's the kid that stole his grandmother's SUV and took it for a joyride and told police that he likes to do 'hood rat things' and thinks 'doing bad things is fun.' (the last quote is what sealed to deal to making him Babyluv's hero. Her deal. Not mine. As a disclaimer, I don't like doing bad things. It's wrong.) Here's a link to my post about him.

Anyhoo... Lati (as I call him) was taken in for a mental health evaluation after he allegedly beat down his grandma inside a Wal-Mart over some chicken wings.

According to grandma, it all started when she refused to buy him some wings and Lati ordered them anyway. Grandma went to confront him and that's when happy hour started.

She said, "He just started hitting me - just started hitting me in front of the whole Wal-Mart."

I've got one question about this entire post and the decline of American society:

They serve chicken wings at Wal-Mart???

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

I think..

I gave everyone who asked an invite to the private blog. I couldn't keep track. If you didn't get yours, email me.

A Baby AND Clear Skin!

Hot diggity!!! Uzbekistan rocks. Not only am I going to get Babyluv from there but I can now get gloriously clear skin while I'm over there.

You see, according to a press release from Skinvisible, a research and development company focused on formulating enhanced patented dermatology products, announced it has signed an exclusive licensing agreement for the right to develop and market two anti-acne products.

This agreement marks Skinvisible's second entry into the $2.8 billion acne market. The territory includes Turkey, Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Turkmenistan, and Uzbekistan.

Double diggity! What more could a woman want?!

P.S. Yes, that is my face. Or maybe not. No, it is. Not. I kid, I kid. No I don't. Whatevs. I'm bored with this conversation.

Regardless, in a few months when I get to Uzbekistan and buy that product, it'll be as clear as a baby's butt.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Mother's Day in the Motherlands

Mother's Day is this weekend. Most of us think of our actual moms on this day but it's also a day for the mother's of the nations. You know, First Ladies. So I thought I'd pay tribute to the mother of Babyluv's homeland and a few other First Ladies around the world.

Here's Uzbekistan:

Here's France (bra courtesy of Tasha):

Here's Turks & Caicos:

Classy ladies.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Mani/Pedi for Babyluv

Does anyone ever read those SkyMall catalogs from airlines? I have no shame admitting that I do. In fact, I've been tempted to purchase a few things. My latest temptation is something that's really made for pets but I think I can give it a dual use purpose for Babyluv.

It's the Pet Straightjacket. Yeah, yeah... get off your judge seat and hear me out.

It's a bitch clipping nails of infants and squishy toddlers. Nail clippers are sharp, ya'll. And rusty ones are full of tentnus crapola.

The nifty straight jacket restrains pets for nail clipping purposes. There's even a head hold in the contraption, so you know it's safe.

I say if it's good enough for Fido, it's good enough for Babyluv.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Mommy's Got a Drinking Buddy Next Decade

According to a new study printed in Time magazine, it appears as though Babyluv will be sporting a goth attitude and will most likely indulge in drinking during her teen years.

In a nutshell, the research states that internationally adopted children are twice as likely to be diagnosed with an emotional or behavioral problem.

"Foreign adoptees are far more likely to internalize their problems, suffering more commonly from depression or separation anxiety disorders."

The study suggests that the problems could be due to genetics or poor perinatal care. "The deleterious effects may quite possibly have come before the adoption ever took place," study author, psychologist Margaret Keyes points out.


Bottom line is that I won't have to hide the vodka in my water bottle next decade.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Mondays Are Hard

Hey ya'll! I got the requests to view my private blog. I've been busy all weekend partying and all. You know, the usual Tasha stuff.

I'll get the invites out tonight or tomorrow. Most likely tomorrow because today is Cinco de Mayo and I need a margarita or four.

Good news is that I'm going to Annie's baby shower in a few weeks. I think I'll wear the same dress I wore this weekend to a fundraiser. I don't think she'll mind that I am wearing the same dress twice. I think it's kinda cute being pink and all.. 'cause she's adopting a girl.

By the way, those are my fellow IAMASLUTs in the picture with me. Ya'll know who you are. (and Haze, once again, you're the one taking the photo. We've gotta stop having you be the photographer at these social outings.)


Friday, May 2, 2008

Me So Happy

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Yeah, yeah. It's happening. I'm $5000 poorer as proof. For those who want to know more, get your sweet bottoms to my private blog.

Thursday, May 1, 2008


Somehow I know this is a match made in heaven.

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Babyluv's Hero

I love kids. The do and say the darnest things.

Take for instance 7-year-old Latarian Milton of Palm Beach Gardens, FL. Latarian stole his grandmother's SUV and took it for a joyride - ran over two mailboxes, hit two parked cars and struck two moving cars before coming to a crashing halt.

When asked why he did it, he said, "I wanted to do it, because it's fun. It's fun to do bad things like drive into a car." He was also asked if he knew he could possibly kill someone, "Yes, but I wanted to do hood rat stuff with my friends."

Come on people! You know he speaks the truth!! If we were 7 years old we'd be shitting ourselves with jealousy.

To be fair, Latarian does think he should be punished. He said his punishment should be, "No video games for a whole weekend."

Lordy lordy, you know that the next time I get pulled over by a cop (most likely with Babyluv in the car), I'm gonna roll down my window and say, "I wanted to do it, because it's fun! It's fun to do bad things. I wanted to do hood rat stuff with my baby."

Monday, April 28, 2008

Thinking Ahead for Babyluv's Future

A lot of my friends are losing sleep trying to college or profession they should groom their kid for. While I admire that type of forward-thinking, I'm more concerned about important issues such as which clique will babyluv become leader of. Will it be the slutty cheerleaders or bitchy sorority girls? Maybe she'll dominate the adoptive posse. Choices, choices.

And that leads me to my new role models.

Meet Joseph Manzanares. Mr. M. and his girlfriend had an argument earlier this month on which gang their 4-year-old son should join. Hey, at least they are thinking ahead. Word on the street is that gang admissions are a bitch.

19-year-old Miguel was arrested after he showed up to his girlfriend's job at Hollywood Video and threatened to kill her. To show that he meant business, Miguel knocked some videos off the shelves on his way out. He was later arrested at his home.

The woman confessed to the cops that earlier in the day they were arguing about what gang their son should join. The teen mother wants her babyluv to belong to the Crips. While Miguel wants him to join the Westside Ballers gang.

They should take notes from Westside Story and just have a dance-off.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Oh Yeah Baby, Tickle My Pants

Do you have carpal tunnel from too much finger tickling? Nono.. not THAT kind of finger tickling (sheesh) .. I'm talking about tickling the keyboards from blogging and research overload.

Well, okay, now that you got my mind in the gutter, here's a weird and novel product. It's called keyboard pants.

Seriously, even I can't make this shit up.

According to a website that critiqued the pants: These “Beauty and the Geek” keyboard trousers are a concept interface from designer Erik De Nijs. As you can see, it is made for those who like to compute by putting their laptop so far down on their lap that it is practically at their feet. Maybe it’s also designed to remove that uncomfortable feeling you get when your laptop has been on your lap for too long.

I’m not certain if this syncs to your laptop wirelessly, or if there is some USB wire that you can’t see here. I do know that these pants have speakers built into the knees, and a pocket in the back for storing the mouse. I have even heard that there is a joystick controller behind the zipper, but now we’re back to making tasteless jokes again.

Ohhhh... the attached link is along the lines of this post.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

It's Wednesday, April 23, Do You Know Where Your Dossier Is?

Yeah, yeah.. you're being told it's probably at the MOE or MFA or in a gold picture frame somewhere in Uzbekistan. But really, it could be in Uganda for all you know.

Once your dossier leaves your hands and gets sent overseas, your future could either be A) up sh*t creek without a paddle or B) a start of something beautiful and fulfilling.

So here's an insurance policy you should invest in to make sure your future is B. It's a mere $695.. but that's pocket change when you think about it. I introduce you to the Micro GPA Mail Logger.

The Logger records the global position of your mail throughout the delivery process. Once you complete your dossier, plug in the GPS Mail Logger's MicroSD card and find out where your mail has been in seconds. With time stamps and recorded downtime you can find out where your mail has been and if it was delayed or misrouted. With GPS you get your mail's exact satellite location, how fast it was traveling, and even its altitude throughout the delivery process.

I think we can all trust that our dossier makes it to the country of choice. But the real question is.. what becomes of it once it's there. I mean, some places have a dire toilet paper shortage.

I'm just saying, ya'll. That's all. I know that I value my TP with all my heart.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Tasha Gives Back

Evidently there's a bra shortage in the third world. Here's the article.

And I'm here to do my part in making the world a better place. The Tash is sending her old bras to Oxfam so they can grace the lovely ladies who are in dire need of support.

I'm getting to the point where I'm running out of undergarments. I already donated my panties to the Burma army. Here's the post of why they needed them.

Pretty soon I'll be running around naked. Gasp!!

Friday, April 18, 2008

The One That Didn't Get Away

Let's face it. Running after toddlers is a hassle. Those little boogers are FAST, man, fast! And The Tash don't like to run. (CLICK HERE TO SEE TASHA RUN!!)

So, I found a cool and taser-free way of letting my babyluv run around and be able to stop her when she heads for the street. It's called the Shooting Net. It looks like something Spiderman would use.
According to the website, it's safe to use and you don't need government clearance to purchase one. Woohoo.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

A Must Read Book for Mommies

Screw the old 'Our Bodies, Our Selves' book.

Finally! There's a book to explain to my babyluv why mommy's um, heart, is bigger than those of Suzie's mommy. It's kind of like a new version titled 'Our Bob Jobs, Our Selves'.

It's called My Beautiful Mommy. It's for under-8 yo kids. It helps them understand why mommy has a new face and body.

Here's an excerpt from Newsweek:

My Beautiful Mommy is aimed at kids ages four to seven and features a plastic surgeon named Dr. Michael (a musclebound superhero type) and a girl whose mother gets a tummy tuck, a nose job and breast implants. Before her surgery the mom explains that she is getting a smaller tummy: 'You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn't fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to help fix that and make me feel better.' Mom comes home looking like a slightly bruised Barbie doll with demure bandages on her nose and around her waist"

Naturally, it has a happy ending: mommy winds up "even more" beautiful than before, and her daughter is thrilled.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Will Preach for Food

I have fantastic news for everyone! And by 'everyone' I really mean just 'me' since I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who gives a rat's ass.

The news is that I'm still an online ordained Reverand. (here's the original post)

Which makes it okay for me to bless your blogs, pray for your sanity, baptize your kids, marry you (read into it however you wish), and probably perform some sort of exorcism.

For you peeps I'll do it all for free. Although a monetary or baked tithe would be greatly appreciated.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Blood Family

Waiting to travel.

It's a bitch.

Speaking of bitch, my Aunt Flo came to visit today.

Anyhoo... got sidetracked there.

Actually, I really didn't. You see, since I've been waiting, 11 months now, I've had 11 cycles. Really, this ISN'T too much information. You'll see why in a second.

I shouldn't be wasting this waiting time. I should be making it productive by starting a hobby, cleaning my house, yada yada yada.

And I shouldn't be wasting my blood. You see, there's this new scientific thingy that scientists have discovered - stem cells in menstrual blood. How fricking cool is that?!

You can check it out here and read about a product that offers women period blood storage starting at just $99/year!

According to the website, "Stem cells from menstrual blood may potentially be utilized in the future to treat a host of life-threatening and debilitating medical conditions such as diabetes, stroke and heart disease, as well as neurological disorders such as Parkinson's disease and Alzheimer's, osteoporosis and spinal cord injury, just to name a few."

I really think ya'll could benefit from The Tash's fantastic bloody goop. It's got magical powers.

Get this, in the future I could be saving you! It'll be like we're blood family.

So... get your checkbook out and right me a check for $99!

Trust me, it'll be worth it.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Hey Adoption Mommas - Are You a Slut?

If you're visiting my blog, you most likely are.

You see, there are two types of sluts: the single kind and the married kind.

Besides the ring on the finger, the two are basically the same.

I founded a new organization that focuses on providing a proud community for sluts.

It's called: IAMASLUT

It stands for: International Adoption Mothers' Association - Single (or, Sexy if married), Lovely, Unique, Talented

I think that about covers our attributes in a nutshell.

Here's how it works to be a member. For starters, the best part is that it's free and there's no online group you need to subscribe to. Heavens knows we all belong to about 30 gajillion of those already and they clog our email boxes.

All you have to do is either leave a comment or send an email and I'll forward a personalized certificate as shown above. You can click on the image for a larger preview. (You need to inform me if you are single or married.)

The certificate is fo reals, peeps. I got it notarized, certified, authenticated, and apostilled!

So come join Haze, Habesha, Jocelyn, and Suze in this wonderful community. Be proud!

EDIT: Seriously, I'm emailing personalized certificates so be sure to give me your email address.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

International Adoption Bloggers Play Date

I'm busy today ya'll. Gots to make deadlines at work or else I'm out on the streets looking for work.

So I grace you with a photo of me and some of my international adoption blogging buddies. (You ladies know who you are.) I had a rocking good time with my online friends! We need to get together again next year!!

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Bon Voyage and Welcome Back!

A family that is that has been very dear to me in the past year has returned home (okay... 2 months ago) from Uzbekistan with their adorable son! Congratulations on your wonderful adoption journey and here's to a new chapter in settling in as a family.

Another family is leaving tomorrow for Tashkent to add the final verse to their adoption story. They are traveling to meet their son and bring him home. I wish you Godspeed in your flight and time in Uzbekistan. I can't wait to see pictures and hear all about this amazing moment in your lives.

Neither of these families has a blog, so I will respect their anonymity.

I love posts like these - especially when they happen to people I've gotten to know through the Uzbekistan adoption journey and when they have such wonderful coming home stories.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Little Miss Thang and the Tramp Stamp

Sweet JonBenet on a pogo stick!!

Did ya'll see where Toys R Us is selling lower back tattoos (aka tramp stamps) for little girls? That's right. They're right next to the Hannah Montana and Mickey Mouse stickers.

My first reaction was OhNo They Deh'unt! There's no way I'm letting babyluv out-tramp me. That's just so wrong.

But you all know I'm getting my lucite heels on and marching over to the kiddie store tonight after work to buy my very own tramp stamp to display this weekend. That's right. Momma's gonna get herself some action. Thanks to Toys R Us.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Screw the Homestudy

If I had only known it would be this easy, I would have taken the Dr. Seuss route toward adoption. All you have to do is name your kid (a Who), choose the gender, choose the snazzy house and then the cool summer day skyline.

And viola, you get an adoption certificate. No friggin' FBI background check, no humiliating trips to the Free Clinic (SHUT UP), no appointments with the fire department. It's just click and download.

All I gotta do is promise to dress Tasha Jr. in cool clothes.

Bitch, please.

You know she's going to be rocking in her hot pink spandex shorts I buy her.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Stick It To Me

I got my travel itinerary from my agency. Along with it was a list of what to bring. And wouldn'cha know it.. I gotta bring something like a trillion dollars in crisp, unmarked 100 dollar bills.

Holy Jesus with a can of Spam!!! People have been known to be mugged and killed for much less than that!

Since I have a natural proclivity to walk in dark alleys at night, I'm nervous to the core. What if someone tries to stab me and take my money???

Relax, Tash, I said. I found just the thing. Nihon Uni has created a shirt that will protect against stab wounds. According to the website: The shirt are made from a thicker fiber that is three times stronger than the cotton used for an average T-shirt.

It is made from ultrahigh molecular weight polyethylene fiber, which is equal to the aramid fiber which is used in body armor. Conveniently the shirt is still machine washable. It will be released in Japan in June in both a T-shirt and long sleeve form. The long sleeve will be sold for $220-590 and the short-sleeved version for $190-522."

p.s. Yes, that's me modeling the shirt.
p.s.s. Okay.. maybe not.
p.s.s.s No.. it's me.
p.s.s.s.s. Not
p.s.s.s.s.s It is.