Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Color Me Smart

I know young girls. I was one myself just a few years ago. When a lassie hits 16 and the hormones get all out of whacked and boys start calling, that can only mean one thing: trouble.

So... how am I going to be able to monitor my Baby while trying to a) maintain my status as the ultimate hip and understanding mom and b) allowing her some independence and demonstrating my trust?

Very easily, I must say!

After I take down the banana flavored scratch-n-sniff wallpaper (see three entries below), I'm painting the walls with Eclipse paint. This revolutionary paint changes color when heat is applied. So if a young boy thinks he can sneak in a little bit of bodymashing and kissing while planting my baby against the wall, he can think again because I.Will.Know. And that little pimply-face twerpy boy will be out on the street in no time flat.

Athough I gotta admit that when no one is watching, I'm going to plant my big ass on the wall just to see the silhoutted image fade in and then out.

Too cool.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Hugs and Kisses from Tasha

Okay folks, I'm way too busy today to pontificate on the ramifications of international adoption.

Therefore, I'll leave you today with my dossier photo.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Nothing's Too Good for My Baby

Baby's 1st birthday party with circus performers. CHECK
Baby's 2nd birthday party with magicians. CHECK
Baby's own couture line to wear in grade school. CHECK
Baby's $10 million Church Confirmation Party. CHE... wtf???

I stand corrected - somethings are just too good for baby.

While I thought I would be able to give Baby the moon and stars, I find that some daddy has given his daughter a $10 million bat mitzvah. Nevermind that he actually stole the money.

I'm not even sure I can fathom how much $10 million really is. I know I could buy a few islands for that amount. Even reserve a place on the Russian Space program for a trip to the moon. I think I could vaccinate something like 1 billion people from malaria for $10 million. My calculator doesn't even go up to enough digits to let me know the number of kids I could save... but if you're in the mood for doing math - one vaccination is 10 cents.

But $10 million for a one night party?? For a bratty little girl?

According to the NY Post, the daddy's $10 million went to pay for performances by Aerosmith, 50 Cent, Tom Petty, Kenny G and the Eagles. (does a 12 year old girl even know who Aerosmith, Tom Petty, Kenny G., and the Eagles are?????) Daddy even spent $122,000 on iPods and digital cameras for guests.

Damn. The only gifts I ever get as a take-home from 'elaborate' parties are lotions and creams in baskets. I found out last year that all those products can be bought at the frigging Dollar Tree store. Once I even got a Prava bag. Now that's trailer trash gone upscale.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Will Wallpaper Lead to Insanity?

At first I thought this was totally cool - not to mention one-of-a-kind. I really want it for my baby room. The colors are quirky and retro and the concept is fun and childlike.

But now I'm wondering if this will start baby down the road to obsessing over walls. When a guest at someone's house, will she walk up to the walls, plant her nose to it and sniff loudly?

"Janey!" my daughter will yell from across the room to her friend whom she is visiting. "The smell of your walls...what is it? I'm guessing tunafish or a western omelet. Am I right? Am I right?"

And then I imagine that she will be sent home from her friend's house with a note pinned to her shirt saying "Ms. Kent, your daughter might need to seek help as she seems to have a wall fetish. We just don't allow that type of freaky behavior in our house."

I'm still thinking of going with the banana flavored wallpaper. Click here to visit the site.

I'd be in heaven if it came in peanut butter and chocolate.

If You're Happy and You Know It...

Crap your hands!!

God I love toys made overseas. But minus the lead, of course.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

If Only Tasha aka Rev. Kent Could Be Smart Enough to Save the World

In the 1970s, my alter ego was Jaime Somers, the Bionic Woman. In the 2000s, it was Sydney Something -- The multi-lingual, multi-haircolored kick-ass super-secret double agent from Alias.

In between those two eras, I was Sandy Kingston from Sunshine Beach Timeshare resorts that called lonely senior citizens between the hours of 9am to 9pm trying to get them to hand over their life savings for a timeshare in Malaysia. Nevermind the time I was Klamee Dia down at the Beaver Hut strip club. Somehow I never made more than $2 in tips.

And in 2007, since I already have a knack for creating really elaborate alter egos with outrageous back stories, It would only make sense for me to use my new personas to do crazy shit on the internet.

But some suburban mom beat me to it.

Meet Shannen Rossmiller (pictured, right). For the past few years she's been doing what the CIA/FBI/Interpol couldn't do - track down terrorists via blogs, chatrooms, instant message, and email.

When 9/11 happened, the mom of three decided to buy a copy of The Koran For Dummies (seriously). From there she started communicating on pro-Arabic, anti-West websites in Arabic by using Google translation software and using repeatitive flowery prose akin to a "Hallmark card for jihads.'

In no time, she's got a few Arabic male aliases and setting up email accounts such as for her Abu Khadija alias and she's buying missiles from jihadis off the internet! (Initially supplied by the Americans in the eighties, natch.) Ironically, over at the FBI, agents are still waiting for approval to open up a simple Yahoo! mail account to create aliases as well.

In no time, Shannen is capturing Al Queda leaders, US Servicemen stationed in Iraq who are trying to help terrorists, wanna-be suicide bombers and a gamut of terrorists.

Her story is incredible. Click here to read about her.

Now if only I could be as productive during my waiting period.

You Too Can Be In a Super Bowl Ad

Sometimes I feel that I talk, talk, talk about all things adoption or adoption-related. I feel that I'm ignoring my pregnant friends or friends (PAPs or non) who have given birth. But I want you to know that I have your interests at heart as well. If I come across something that could enhance and better your life, I'm going to share it... such as this little nugget: is looking for the right birth video and they're willing to pay 1000 whopping dollars for the rights to use the right video in their 30-second Super Bowl ad.

So, for those of you who want your dilated, laboring vajayjays broadcast to approximately 90 million people, here's your opportunity!

Bear in mind that the video must show "clear baby emergence," (eww) "umbilical cord being severed," and it must include sound. The stunt is meant to announce the "birth" of the website.

Damn. Ewww. Gross. Gag. Talk about taking Super Bowl ads to a whole 'nother level.

I can just picture 90 million football fans stuffing their faces with chips loaded with the 7-layer bean dip as the commercial airs. Poor saps.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

It's 10:30pm, Do You Know Where Your Dossier Is?

EDIT: Please note that this is not true. I just think it would be a fortune cookie from hell - like the ones that say 'That wasn't chicken you just ate.'

I'm happy to say that my dossier is safe and sound in Uzbekistan, not Uganda. Although on the flip side, I wouldn't mind adopting from Uganda either.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Vaya Con Dios Adelfa

Remember I told you guys a mere 3 weeks ago about that sassy Latina woman who married her pseudo-adopted son? (click here for a refresher).. you know.. kind of blurring the lines between adoption and marriage. I was secretly rooting for her and thinking that if my toddler adoption doesn't come through, I'd look into a 24 year-old Argentine man to adopt as a pick-me-up-slash-How-Tasha-Go-Her-Groove-Back kind of thing.

Well, the 82-year-old bride passed away after returning from her honeymoon. In my heart of hearts, I hope it was from physical exertion and exhaustion.

May the Heavens bless Adelfa's young soul with an eternity of hot, young, muscled Latin men.

Underwear Power: Activate!

Have ya'll be keeping up to date with the horrific and brutal crackdown in Burma? Do the atrocities committed by the army have your panties in a wad?

If so, now is the time to take action!!

Send your panties (ladies only) to your nearest Burmese embassy.

A movement called Panties for Peace has women in several countries sending their knickers to Burmese embassies in a culturally insulting gesture of protest against the brutal crackdown there.

The group says the country's superstitious generals believe contact with women's underwear saps them of power.

Click here to find an embassy near you.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Baby Gifts for Little Girls

I know you guys are starting to look for unique and well-meaning baby gifts to give me before the arrival of my honeybunches. I already told you to cross the crystal-encrusted Swarvoski pacificer off the list. Can't have my bundle of love choking on those loose crystals.

But here's a lovely idea - baby's very own Hello Kitty GlamGun. Before you get all anti-NRA on me, you should check the product out first. Here's how the website tauts it: The world should note the hand-crocheted shoulder-stock muffler and the anodized titanium plating. Several choices in stock wood are available. With a limited run of only 500, buy now before they're gone! A mere $100 extra includes Glambo's signature wood-burnt into the opposite side of the handguard. A perfect gift for the young lady of the house.
A bargain at only $1072.95!

Holy Crap.. get this.. it comes with a hand-crocheted shoulder-stock muffler. Hand-frigging-crocheted!! Folks, how often can you even find anything hand crocheted nowadays??

Hot damn.

It's Hello Kitty too. What little girl wouldn't kill (oops, sorry) for a Hello Kitty?

The Science Behind A Referral

Who who who who whooooooooooooo are you?

A few of the fun bloggers adopting from throughout the world have coined the term 'forensic blogging' while they were enroute to putting a patent on the referral formula. In their own Grissom and Horatio (I don't know the Lt. Dan NY:CSI character's name) method, they narrowed the process down to researching blogs, dissecting timelines, averaging the speed of light, and there were some other laws of physics involved.

But I really think the formula is this: referrals come after a specific sequence of events occur on a single day. For example, you MUST awaken naturally at 6:21am and en route to work, make only one left turn and your first five stoplights must all be green when you reach them. Yellow lights do not qualify. You can only have three pieces of mail delivered to your mailbox that day (magazines and grocery mailers don't count). You must not encounter a person wearing a pink shirt that day.

Only then will you get your referral.

Do U No How 2 Reed?

Someone going by 'Anonymous' in the I Have Arrived! comment section obviously doesn't know how to read and/or has difficulty understanding things. Check out her comments and you can read my replies.

We Interrupt This Regularly Scheduled Program...

756 new and unique visitors came to this blog yesterday!! Are you guys frigging crazy?!?! This is better than I could have ever asked for. Talk about word-of-mouth advertising. Hot Digity!!!

First of all, many thanks to the 34 members of both forums for emailing offline yesterday to express your support. That was incredibly kind. I also don't want you to put any more thought or energy into it. After spending 15 minutes (10 to write my blog post and 5 to write a 'thanks for the promo' message), it was out of my head and I was busy with my daily life.

To my daily blogging buddies, you guys rock!! Your inspiration, support, and friendship is heads above all else!

I hope you 756 visitors come back again. Feel free to browse around the blog and leave a comment. If you're new to this site, here's a brief background/bio.

My name is Tasha in this blog but it's really Melissa. I love the name Tasha Kent because it honors the capital city of Uz - Tashkent. So I'm keeping the name. I'm obviously going through the adoption process. I'm 40 years old. I am the creative director for a large international company. I also own three spas throughout North America. I am an artist; currently I have my work on display in Tokyo, Japan and Bilbao, Spain. My passions are cycling and rowing. I have a weakness for anything Peanut Butter & chocolate. I won't think twice about buying my daily Starbucks coffee but will fret for hours over whether or not to fork over the four bucks to buy hydrocortisone cream to soothe the Poison Ivy rash I got over the weekend.

I work on this blog during the little bits of free time I have during the work day. I have a policy to not spend more than 20 minutes on it. However, I will spend more than 20 minutes just visiting everyone else's blog. I get my ideas and inspiration for the postings from this everyday insane world. I am surrounded by funny and creative people so there's never a shortage of material to use. I am in the midst of writing a book about the adoption process. It will be on the comedic side. I'm almost finished with it but more chapters keep popping up on a weekly basis.

Oh yeah, I'm also an ordained minister.

Thanks for visiting and enjoy your stay!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Doctor, Lawyer, Indian Chief

This waiting period is actually turning out to be more productive than I ever imagined.

Not only have I become an ordained minister (I'm still taking requests for blessings, baptismals, funerals, and weddings) but I'm en route to becoming a bona fide honest-to-god doctor!

I get the best spam mail! Nevermind the ones to enlarge or tightened my privates or get me the, I'm talking about the ones that are going to get me ahead in the world.

I totally thought long-term grad school was overrated. I pitied the fools who were shelling out a quarter mil memorizing a bunch of esoteric jargon and and trying to live up to the intellegensia hype... I can now join their ranks, minus the crazy hours in the dungeons of a library reading dusty books.

Hell, I could get the exact same degree delivered without even getting up from my couch!

Here's what I got in my mailbox:

Order a PhD.

Your new Diploma! No examinations! No classes! No textbooks! Call to register and receive your qualifications within days! 24 hours a day 7 days a week!

This ain't no Associates Degree or Sally Struther's International Correspondence School shit... nosireebob. This here is a frigging PhD.

So now you'll have to call me Dr. Tasha. Wait.. I underestimated myself, it's The Rev. Dr. Tasha.

I Have Arrived!

Hot dang!

Q: How do you know when you have arrived?
A: When you speak your mind and piss people off

Get this... My previous post hit a nerve with some people and I was kicked out of an exclusive Uzbekistan Adoption Yahoo clique.

Here's the Reader's Digest version: There's a Uzbekistan Adoption Yahoo Group (aka the original, public group) and it's moderated by the owner of an adoption agency. Anyhow, some members of the agency started to get paranoid that they couldn't speak freely because they were being told, as they tell it, a different story than when they signed up with them. In other words, they were pissed off at their agency. So they invited a bunch of PAPs to join them in an exclusive Uzbek Adoption Yahoo group. Oh.. it's by invitation only.

I didn't know about this little gang but was receiving some emails that were rather weird. Mind you, I contacted them first offline because they took their blog private and they had dropped out of the original Yahoo group where they had been active. All so odd. I asked them if they were okay and if everyone was doing well. Because I genuinely cared. Anyhow they ended up fishing via email for tidbits about the law changes, what my agency was telling me, etc. because they were majorly pissed off at their agency. And they were saying (as I later learn after reading their posts)'hey, let's drop hints in the original Yahoo group to see if anyone else is being told these things.' Really, it was a bit on the unethical side, if you ask me. If you know something, announce it. It will help those who are in the process of choosing a country.

When I got wind of this (I got invited to the exclusive gang), I sent a harshly worded 'Shame on You' email. Seriously, you don't fish for information.. just ask outright. Don't be sneaky and pretend you're a good and honest person. So out comes the 'oh sorry' .. which is fine.. but they really didn't grasp the concept that they are tooling with people, other Uzbek PAPs who could have benefitted from this information. (As a disclaimer, I was unaware of any one-visit, two-visit mandate and have always been informed that I'm a one-visitor). Whatevs. So I go on posting about 'Good! People are finally talking about the one-visit vs. two-visit changes and sharing what they know as opposed to vaguely asking 'so... what did you hear?' Just speak up people!

I talk about some of the backlash in the previous post. Didn't name names though. But hey, don't mess with the Tash. I'm a firm believer in freedom of speech.

And now... I've been disinvited.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Take It Like a Man and Wear a Bulletproof Bra

I was taking a break from who-knows-what a few nights ago and turned on the TV. I was channel surfing when I came across Larry King Live and Donald Trump was the guest. Right as I settled into the channel, the combover king himself was telling the suspenders king that when he is attacked, he attacks back - harder. Of course he was talking about his feud with Rosie O'Donnell. It wasn't Mr. Poutyface's fault that he was talking about it. The Frogface man kept asking him about it. I wanted to yell at Larry that the feud was soooo Spring 2007. It's almost Winter. Time to move on. But I just didn't have the heart to yell at him. The guy's gotta be about a hundred years old so he probably didn't remember asking the same question two seconds earlier.

But the whole topic got me thinking and I wondered 'would the Donald attack back harder if his attackers were, well, a bit on the wimpy side?'

Case in point, there's a woman in a forum directing a post to me and then deleting it from the message board but it shows up in the daily digest email. After getting a ton of offline email from people asking me about it, I decided to check it out. So I instant messaged said-woman to ask why she deleted it and she replied (and I quote verbatimly) "I thought it was too bitchy." Well hot dang sweetcakes, you just described yourself perfectly.

And then another chick was boo-hoo'ing that I hadn't kowtowed to some apologies. Hon, how are you ever going to survive in the corporate world if you don't put on a bulletproof bra? I say the same to you as I say to any guy in prison who's about to endure rough times - just bend over, bite real hard into your pillow, and take it like a man. The same can be said about constructive criticism.

I'm not one to pamper people's hindparts with my desiccated lips. It just ain't my style.

And the Donald would approve. He gets me. After all, as he said on Larry King Live the other night, he knows beauty. Yep, the Donald knows Tasha.

Psst... Wanna Adopt from Uzbek?

This is an easy tutorial that deals with all the steps needed and eliminating all the crazytalk that's going on. EDIT: God, I love stirring up emotions. Finally people are coming out talking about the process, what they are being informed, etc. instead of dropping innuendoes and fishing for bites. And I know people are reading this because they are using my fave word: crazytalk. Woohee. Oh yeah, don't forget to order your book today! Seriously folks, buy one, get one free. Hell, I'll even autograph it.

((I'll get to this post this evening as I have a bunch of deadlines at my 'real' job to deal with today.))

BUT... if you want to put in your orders for this book, let me know. I'll give you a free book for each one purchased. This would make a great souvenir or holiday gift to your friends/family and those who are considering adoption!

Get it before it gets gobbled up by Barnes & Noble!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Hair Raising Exploitation

You know that druggie singer with a beehive hairdo? Amy Winehouse. Well, turns out her cracked out beehive was made using hair from poor, innocent Romanian orphans!

Winehouse found out that often children at an orphanage in Romania have been forced to cut off their hair in order to make extensions for Western women. When Winehouse found out she agreed to give $100,000 to buy more hair before the jig is up!

No, not really. Although I wouldn't put it past her. She actually donated the money to help the orphans.

A source said, "Amy met a lovely lady from the group Beauty Hurts and they started chatting about the real hair racket. She had no idea orphans were exploited. She knows where her weave comes from and to be honest, it's the US where most of the unethically culled hair ends up but she still wanted to help."

Amy was keen to keep her generous donation secret but realizes it's important to highlight the issue.

Damn... Britney Spears and Paris Hilton better be writing a million dollar check each.

Monday, October 15, 2007

This Would and Could Be Me... But In Uzbekistan

In 1983, Susie Scott Krabacher (pictured, left) was a Playboy centerfold. Now 43, the blonde, "hourglass-shaped" woman is a savior for Haitian babies, reports MSNBC. Krabacher, founded the Mercy and Sharing Foundation, a charity that provides shelter, schooling and health care to children from the poorest slums of Haiti. Funded mostly through private donors, the charity runs six schools, three orphanages, an abandoned-baby ward and a cervical cancer screening center. Krabacher's memoir, Angels of a Lower Flight, is to be released this month, and chronicles her journey from a poor childhood in Alabama to the Playboy mansion and to Haiti. Krabacher, who lives in Apsen but travels to Haiti several times a year, "has been known to waltz into the most dangerous slums wearing platform boots and flowing skirts to ask tattooed gang leaders to allow her charity work to proceed without being robbed."

There may be a few differences between me and Susie, but otherwise we are mirror images. For example, she works in Haiti but I would concentrate on Uzbekistan.
And instead of 'hourglass figure' I would be a 'butternut squash figure.'
And instead of 'Playboy centerfold' I would be someone with'some lewd Photoshopped pics floating in cyberspace.'
And instead of 'memoir to be released this month' I have a 'fluffed-up blog that is released daily.'

But, like Susie, I do have a tendency to waltz into the most dangerous slums wearing platform boots and flowing skirts to ask tattooed gang leaders to allow my "charity work" (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) to proceed without being arrested.

So.. What Happened to the Chinese Baby?

My favorite show, Sex and the City, is coming out as a movie. I love the show... I usually imagine that I'm Carrie and my imaginary friends are the hip, savvy and wealthy Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda. I even have an imaginary boyfriend named Mr. Huge and the token gay male friends to complement my otherwise lonely and uneventful life.

The series ended with Charlotte and Harry receiving a referral of a little girl from China. And now the movie is filming Charlotte with a pregnant belly and holding auditions for twins. I know this because I troll the baby auditions websites because it's never too early to be hawking my kid. Momma's getting tired of being another rat in this rat race. She would like to retire and live the life of luxury. It's my parental philosophy that baby's gotta earn her keep in the household. She's gotta pull her weight and help momma out. It's only fair.

Anyhow, back to Charlotte... here's the ad for any of you stage moms:

Sex and the City: The Movie is seeking newborn twins
Reply to:
Date: 2007-10-11, 8:10PM EDT
Grant Wilfley Casting Inc. is seeking newborn twins (preferably 2 months old), caucasian, with dark hair to work on "Sex and the City : The Movie" on Monday October 15th in New York. Please email the most recent pictures you have of the babies & include names, date of birth, height, weight, and contact information to THIS IS A PAID JOB!
Location: New York
Compensation: $130 per baby/ per day
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
PostingID: 446582746

I haven't seen any ads for a little Chinese girl to play the part. I wonder if they are using Meg Ryan's daughter. God, I hope the girl isn't written out of the movie.

Man, I would love it if someone showed up to the audition with biracial twins to spice it up some. I always thought Charlotte was too uptight and needed some 'real' man to show her a good time. Plus, the show is too white.

I can't wait for the movie to come out. I'll even slap down ten bucks to see it.

Oh hell, who am I kidding. I'm too cheap. I'm going to wait until it's playing 6 weeks later at the $3.50 movie theater.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Gotta Make a Monday Deadline or Else

Get this shit. I have to step away from blogging for a little bit starting today until Monday. I know, I actually have things to do besides talk crap about weird toys, boobs and adoption all day. And no, my 'work' doesn't involve a trip to the Free Clinic. Ok...maybe it does.

Hopefully I won't be missing out on any drama or referrals from any of you guys, but if so, you can talk in the comments below and update one another.

Ta-ta cheerio.

Only the Deaf Can Make it Pornographic (Warning: R Rated)

I’ve got a dear friend, John, who is hard of hearing. That’s okay because so am I. When we have a phone conversation, it’s a mess. We misunderstand everything and I’m amazed that we are still friends. I think the fact that we talk via instant message saves the friendship. Here’s our conversation from last week.

John: … okay, enough about me. Where are you adopting from again?
Tasha: Uzbekistan
John: I AM NOT GAY!!! Why are you being nasty?
Tasha: Huh? Whaaaa?
John: You asked me if I effed a man.
Tasha: Whaaaat? No way!
John: Did too. You said, and I repeat, ‘you f*cked a man’
Tasha: I did NOT! I said Uzbekistan
John: And that makes it better? Asking if I petted a man??!?!
Tasha: What? What are you talking about???
John: You just now asked me, and I quote, ‘youze pet a man’
Tasha: Okay okay.. this is a dead end street. Let me try another approach.
John: Shoot.
Tasha: Tashkent
John: Damn girl... stop it. I thought you hated that word.
Tasha: What word?
John: You know.. ‘c*nt’
Tasha: Why are you saying that word?
John: You asked me if I ‘touch c*nt’
Tasha: I DID NOT!!! Forget this.. Let’s have a normal conversation online.
John: Okay.. see you via instant message

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Your Kids Will Pay for My Kid's Welfare Checks

Fashion Fever Barbie Boutique has just hit the markets in time for the holidays! Ladies and gentlemen (okay.. gentleman as there really is only one guy who reads this blog, if any. You still here Greg?) get ready to have your kids pay for my kid's welfare checks.

'Why?' do you ask? Well, it's simple. The fabulous Fashion Fever Barbie Boutique features a built-in credit card swiper and a life-size credit card for young children to use when buying outfits and accessorieis for their dolls. According to the Amazon website, "Once the balance hits zero, it will reset so you can continue to shop."
So you see.... my kid will not learn the art of having to budget because, dammit, the Fashion Fever Barbie Boutique's credit card miraculously never has a limit.

Of course, it would be the responsible thing if Mattel introduces the "Dang, I Effed Up My Credit Score" Barbie playset, where Barbie spends her entire paycheck on second-hand 'gently used' furniture and clothing while trying to make the minimum payments on her dozen or so 30% interest rate cards. There's really no need to include the 1-800 number for the Consumer Credit Advocates because, get real now, this is Barbie. Once her credit score hit 300 or so the playset would probably just bump it back up to 800.

Responsibility is not something pretty girls should have to worry about.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Me and the Devil. A Heart to Heart Convo.

Devil: Hey, Tash… what’s going on?
Tasha: What are you talking about, Dev?
Devil: I just feel, you know, like you’re pulling away. Like we ain’t as tight as we used to be. You’ve gone all God-squad on me. It’s like you’ve become BFF with my WEE.
Tasha: WEE?
Devil: Worst Enemy Eternally.
Tasha: Aww, Dev. Okay, I’ve gotta level with you. I have been pulling away a bit. But I’ve got to.. for good karma.
Devil: That hurts, Tash. That hurts real bad.
Tasha: Hey, I’m sorry. But you’re still my D-Man.
Devil: I mean we have a history, you and me. Remember when we super glued your bitchy neighbor’s screen door? Haha, or when we made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to your boss lady’s private restroom? Or when we asked the clerk at the Kmart gun department where the antidepressant pills were.
Tasha: Hahaha!! Fun times indeed. Fun times.
Devil: Remember when we, unbeknownst to your coworker, enrolled him on the IWannaDateAPrisoner website with a picture and all? Or when told everyone the address/phone number of the Free Clinic was his? They’re still getting calls for him.
Tasha: WOOHEE!!
Devil: Or how about when we poked holes in your ex-boyfriend’s cond..
Tasha: Okayokayokay… I get it. We go back a long way. But listen, I need to have a bit more faith and be more mature and all.
Devil: Sigh. You’re not going to start talking in tongues and ending conversations with the ‘May God be with you’ crapola, are you?
Tasha: Oh God no.
Devil: Well, damn, I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. Just remember, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be in the background if you ever wanna play again. You know you're my girl, Tash.
Tasha: I know, D-Man, I know. And Dev…
Devil: Yes?
Tasha: May God be with you. ::wink::

Going Off My Normal Path...

And providing a public service posting for once. Something that you may actually find useful.
Three announcements, in fact. Betcha wasn't expecting this, eh?

1. Adoption Air Travel
The website for Travel On is From the Home Page go to International Travel and then to the part about Airfaires for Adoption.
As a Global Voice for Change, Kidsave Makes Miracles Happen for Children the World has Forgotten Special Airfares for Adopting Families Travel-On, the worldwide official travel agency for KidSave International, announced today (January 1, 2007) that it has extended the travel dates on the adoption airfare contracts with Delta, United, and Lufthansa Airlines for adopting families traveling to worldwide destinations. Austrian Airlines has been added to the list of airlines offering special airfares.The specially negotiated contracts offer airfares as low as 70% off the normal, unrestricted, published round trip airfares for adult travel, and 50% off the adult airfare for adopted children returning with their new parents and other family members to the U.S. The airfares are available from all U.S cities served by Delta, United, Austrian and Lufthansa Airlines.These adoption fares are available only through Travel-On for all valid adoption-related travel associated with any adoption agency. Airfare Specifications: Travel period - Valid until December 31, 2007
Day of Week Application: EVERYDAY
Advances Purchase Requirement: NONE
Change Penalties: NONE
Refundable: YES with NO PENALTY
Open Return Dates: YES
Minimum Stay: NONE
Restricted Inventory: NO
Tel: 240-387-4033 or 877-657-4772
9000 Virginia Manor Road, Suite 201, Beltsville, MD 20705

2. Adoption Family Portraits
Thanks to Tami, I learned of It's a co-op of professional photographers around the country that will take a family portrait for you free of charge once you have brought your bundle of joy home.

3. Adoption Grants, Loans and Other Shi.. er, Stuff
Here's a list of quite a few organizations that provide adoption grants. With the grants, there's no payback. Woohoo! EDIT: okay I just went through the list. Those fuc.. um, fools .. mainly provide grants to married couples. Married straight couples. Married straight Christian couples. Whatevs. You can just assume the 90% of you guys don't qualify for 80% of the grants.

Monday, October 8, 2007

Baby Blender

Dateline: 3am, October 8, 2007
Location: In the TV room at Tasha's house
Setup: Tasha is high on caffine at 3am.


Have you seen the freaking fantastic Magic Bullet?! You can, like, make piles of dinner and snacks in.. get this.. UNDER 6 seconds!! That's from start to finish. Hell, it takes me 6 seconds to walk from the sink to the fridge, but that's my own damn fault.

Evidently, it's been scientifically proven by NASA (holy shit.. they are the frigging space people) that the unique bullet shape is the secret to the effectiveness of the Magic Bullet. The makers of this state-of-the-art gizmo have included recipes for making dips and party foods like homemade fat-free bean dip, or zesty guacamole, smoothies and SO MUCH MORE... like gourmet baby food!! There is a God! I need to make baby food!!!

If I order now I get TWO blenders.

Shhhhh... on the phone now with Marylin. She rocks. She's supersweet and cheery. She's thrilled to get me on my way to becoming a proud owner of TWO Magic Bullets.

Get this.. I'll get both of my Magic Bullets in 8-12 weeks.

HOLY FRIGGING COW. I should be getting my referral in 8-12 weeks.

Okayokayokayokayokay.. here's the deal.

Which will come first? The baby or the blender?!

Thursday, October 4, 2007

What Happened to Dick and Jane?

I need to start writing children's books. I think my mind is warped enough.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Blurring the Lines Between Adoption and Marriage .... Cougar Style

Meet Adelfa Volpes and Reinaldo Waveqche.

Adelfa is an 82-year-old woman who married Reinaldo, a 24-year-old man last week in Argentina. The couple has been engaged for "several years." They met when she became his guardian after he was orphaned at age 15, so I'm not sure if this is an appropriate pairing or not. I'm definitely leaning toward 'not', but I'm totally digging her cool style (giant sunglasses and a fur coat). And he's latin. We all know that Latin men rock. Need I say more?

Reinaldo said that he always 'had a thing for mature women.'

Adelfa assured the press that their relationship is not just spiritual, but 'there is going to be more.'

Atta girl, Adelfa. Keep hope alive!


Shake It Like A Polaroid

Oh yeah, baby.

There's a new girl in town. The Tasha is turning over a new leaf and she's marching to a whole 'nother drummer now, honey.

Her days of playing a doormat are over - especially to lazy-assed social workers who sat on her homestudy or bureaucratic pushpins who prolonged the certification process because 'the woman who normally does this is out today' or those who held up the passport renewals because of 'backlog.' Nope, that Tasha is long gone. She's not being held prisoner by someone else's self-appointed power.

They ain't got the power no more.

T-Kent is done with that shizzle. That game is officially over. Lights out. The caboose is closed. The train has left the station. Aka.. the dossier is doing the do-se-do in U-land.

Hold on fast, sugar, because this momma's got a new bounce in her step.

The real fun is just beginning.