It's Like Taking the SATs

Remember in high school when you were crammed into a dark and damp auditorium to take the SATs? The one and only test that would determine the rest of your life. The test score would determine whether you were destined for blue collar struggles or white collar grandeur. Whether your future would consist of a vocabulary of words like 'chief executive officer', 'international managing director' or 'chief fry cook', or 'international house of pancakes shift director.'

The SATs are, at that point in your life, the most important 5 hours of your life. It's make or break time. It's do or die time. Do you have the cajones to make a better man of yourself? The dossier is the same. It's the most important 5 weeks or 5 months of your life. It's make or break time in adopting. It's do or die.

Whereas the SATs is about having paid attention in class for the past 10 years, the dossier is all about having stayed out of trouble the past 10 years.

Here are the pararells between the two:

#1:
SATs: Hmmm... damn, did I bring enough #2 pencils? Wait, this isn't #2! Ohgod.. there's no number on this freaking pencil. Jiminy Cricket.. this eraser isn't working. Agghhhh... now it's a big smear. Shitshitshitshit.

Dossier: Ohgod.. did that document say black ink? Is this black? No wait.. it's navy blue. Shit. Is navy blue going to work? Okayokay.. calm down. Let's start over with another form. OH SHIT.. my printer is out of paper!

#2:
SATs: A,B,D,E,B... what the..? ... Johnny's on page 5 already!??! How did that happen?!?! Okayokayokay.. don't panic.. just read faster. Concentrate. focus. Con.cen.trate. C'mon, you can do it. Oh cool.. this answer column looks like a snake. hehe. I like snakes. If I were a snake, I'd be a cobra. No, I'd be a rattlesnake and live in Texas. Ohh.. I'm hungry. I could go for a Texas burger at the burger shack down the street.

Dossier: Birth certificate? Check. Marriage certificate? Don't need. Ohhh less paperwork. hehe. Family photos? Check. Oh. I don't like the way my living room looks in this picture. What if I moved the couch over there and the piano here? Hm.. no. Let's see. Maybe a different color wall. I'll check online for color ideas.
Uh? What? The Moleys have their paperwork in Uzbekistan already!?!? Oh my god, the Smiths' dossier has already been apostilled?! Ohgodohgodohgod... how did they get ahead of me?!?!

#3:
SATs: Mary is riding in a train going 60 mph heading east and John is riding his bicycle heading north at 33.5 kilometers per 90 minutes. How long will it be until Mary and John meet at the coffeeshop on the 164 degress latitude?

Dossier: Melissa is filing for her 600A to be processed by the US Government that processes paperwork at the speed of 5.7 words per document per hour. If Melissa submits her forms before the passport is authenticated and her secondary document is notarized, how long until she gets her dossier completed?