I had such a blast having my godchildren visit me this week that I couldn't wait until I bring my daughter home and the three kids can get to know each other, play together and just have a good time making memories.
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. My child is already alive. She's probably a year old and is living in a babyhouse. All the attention and love given to Eddi, who's 9 months old, is such a huge part of his development and happiness. Then I got this sickened feeling thinking of how alone and understimulated my baby is.
I now feel guilty allowing a few days to pass without concentrating on my dossier. I'm giving myself the luxury of dilly-dallying around and perhaps somewhere in Uzbekistan my baby, during the most important development stage of her life, is without daily stimulation, cooing, tickling, peek-a-boo playing and proper nutrition.
It makes me wonder about fate. Has my daughter, by a higher power (meaning God, not the Uzbekistani government), already been assigned to me? If I get my paperwork into Uzbekistan a month from now, would it be the same child as if I were to get my papers in Uzbekistan tomorrow or four months from now?
I don't know. I don't even know how to feel about this. I remind myself daily to have faith - have faith in the adoption process, the Uzbeki government making this adoption go smoothly and to have faith that I will be a good single mom - but how can I convince myself to have faith that the speed in which I'm moving in this adoption is going to be okay to my baby? Did fate put us together from the day I decided to adopt from Uzbekistan? Does it happen when my paperwork gets to Uzbekistan?
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5 comments:
Hi Melissa...you don't know me but I found your blog through the Uzbek website (my husband and I are considering that for our next adoption). First, just keep praying for your child and God will give you the right one. We adopted from Russia in December and were actually given a different referral whom we knew nothing about. We prayed the night before we met him that God would give us wisdom to know what to do. Well, we went in the next morning to get all of the information (this is actually taking place in Russia) and right in front of us the woman who chose our referral switched kids! We ended up with Alex, who could not be more perfect. He's INCREDIBLY healthy and had NO adjustment issues, sleeping, eating or otherwise. The other child may have been wonderful too, but I can't imagine a more perfect fit for our family. Sometimes you just need to take a break...and believe that God knows what He's doing. Best of luck!
Rachel,
Wow! Thanks a million. That meant a lot and gives me a better, more peaceful feeling.
well, i love reading your blogs...they make me laugh :)
ok, to clarify i mean the sarcastic ones make me laugh!! the other ones (frustration, worry, etc)...those i just completely understand.
Thanks Rachel! I totally knew what you meant.
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