Outline of Development of Adopted Children

A few things covered at an adoption workshop I attended. This is adapted from a handout developed by Parenthesis Family Advocates, Columbus, Ohio.

0-3 Years
Adopted child does not realize difference between themselves and non-adoptive children.
Strategies for Parents:
* Collect as much concrete information as possible (goodbye letters from birthparents and pictures are helpful).
* Develop "LifeBook" for child, including these concreate bits of information (pix from orphanage, pix of town, etc.).
*Begin talking comfortably and positively with your infant, family, and friends about adoption.

3-7 Years
Child asks a lot of questions. Loves to hear his/her adoption story. Can repreat it verbatim but has little understanding of the concepts.
Strategies for Parents:
* Encourage questions and answer honestly. Difficult issues may be omitted (but never changes) until the child is older.
*Tell Adoption Story as a favorite bedtime story.
*Use and add to LifeBook.
*Reassure child that he/she will not lose adoptive family.

8-12 Years
Child understands concept of adoption. Begins grieving process. May stop asking questions as part of denial. Realizes that he/she had to lose something to be adopted.
Strategies for Parents:
*Don't force child to discuss issues but let him/her know you are open and comfortable when he/she is ready.
*Let child know it is understood that he/she can lobe both sets of parents. He/she does not have to choose.
*Ask if child has quesions or feelings he/she would like to discuss.
*Let child know you are not threatened or angry about questions regarding birth family and/or past history.

12-16 Years
Child enters anger stage of grieving. May resist authority and try on new identities. May be angry over loss of control in his/her life.
Strategies for Parents:
*Allow child to exercise control whenver possible. Provide opportunities for decision-making.
*Child has a right to his/her birth information. Help child access and accept information.
* try to keep from responding to child's anger with more anger. understand that much of his anger is directed at the birthparent.
* Be firm in limit-setting. Establish preset consequences for broken rules. Allow child to experience natural consequences of behavior.
*Continue to let child know that you love him/her no matter what.

16-19 Years
Young adult may be depressed and over-react to losses. May be anxious about growing up and leaving home.
Strategies for Parents:
*Let child know he/she may remain at home after graduation if he/she chooses.
*Be alert for sadness when relationships with peers fail or during anniversary reactions such as birthdays or Mother's Day.
*Continue to keep adoption topic open within the home.
* Provide supportive opportunities for independence and freedom.