Keeping Your Neighborhood Safe

You never know who your neighbors really are. You watch those TV interviews of neighbors of serial killers say 'gosh... he was so normal.'

You parents should do a Google search of National Sex Offender Registry to see how safe your neighborhood really is. I have a tendency to check mine every week to make sure my street and block are safe. Don't want no pervs in my neck of the woods.

So.. wouldn't ya know it. There's a perv in my neck of the woods. But I think babyluv and I might be safe. You see, he was arrested for getting it on with a picnic table. A frigging picnic table!!!! I can't make this shit up folks!

Ladies and Gentlement, meet 40-year-old Art Price of Bellevue, Ohio. He was arrested for fornicating with his picnic table. The dude was doing sexy times with a damn picnic table! There's nothing sexy about a damn picnic table!!

Art was seen by neighbors on 4 different occasions doing the nasty with his picnic table. One neighbor even videotaped it and turned the tape over to police.

Police think he was getting it on in the umbrella hole in the table.

I had plans on getting one for my backyard so baby and I can have many a picnics in the summer. But hot damn. I will never look at a picnic table the same way again.

Only in Ohio, folks, only in Ohio.

I'm Now Taking Bids!

Now is your chance to get an EXCLUSIVE!!!

I'm taking bids for the FIRST EVER photos of me and my babylove.

Since JLo got $6million for her twins, Christina got a mere $1.5 million, and the starting rate for Angelina's soon-to-be-born kid is $10million... I'm going to start my bid at $16!!

That's right... the starting rate is $16. (US dollars only. Canadian currency must be converted to US dollars and there will be a conversion tax applied.)

I know there's going to be manic bidding going on.. but now's your chance to get in on the action! Trust me, you do not want to miss out!!

Finally! An Online Game for Me and Baby

You guys. YOU GUYS!!! Have you heard about the new online game called Miss Bimbo?!?!?!?!

According to Miss Bimbo rules, the goal of the game is to make your Bimbo the "the hottest of hot Bimbos," which involves dating "that famous hottie," becoming a "socialite and skyrocket[ing] to the top of fame and popularity," and even resorting "to meds or plastic surgery", because girls should "Stop at nothing to become the reigning bimbo!" According to CNN, "Breast implants sell at 11,500 bimbo dollars and net the buyer 2,000 bimbo attitudes, making her more popular on the site."

As for the creators of Miss Bimbo, well, the game's 23-year-old creator Nicolas Jacquart tells the Times of London, "The game is structured in such a way that it simply mirrors real life in a tongue-in-cheek way. It is not a bad influence for young children. They learn to take care of their bimbos." He continues: "The missions and goals for the bimbos are morally sound and teach children about the real world. If they eat too much chocolate in the game, it is bad for their bimbos' bodies and their happiness levels compared to if they eat fruit and vegetables, which reinforces positive healthy eating messages.The breast operations are just one part of the game and we are not encouraging young girls to have them."

Whatevs!

How fun will it be to be able to bond with baby over boys and bigger boobs!

Are Your Toys Tired of Waiting for Baby Too?

We've all gotta entertain ourselves somehow.

I Got Married!!

Disclaimer: You know you've sunk to a new low when you need to preface your post with a disclaimer. But... it's not 'me' that's the root of my demise, it's the 'waiting to travel' that's a killer. Oh and by the way, it was Suzanne, all Suzanne, in the last 'skid mark' post. Sheesh.

I can just picture my mom bouncing up and down in her chair when she saw the title of this post. I bet she's just besides herself with jubilation and excitement that I *finally* got married and that there was hope for me after all.

On the other side of the country, my sister is probably leaning back in her chair, sipping her tea, and has a smirk on her face. She's saying 'Ohhh.. this is going to be interesting.'

So here goes.

I did get married.

The waiting period in this adoption has allowed me to become an honest-to-God online ordained minister , I've now gotten married. But there are two teeny, tiny caveats.

((note to self: how can you post this on the holiest week?!!?))

First of all, I'm married to a girl. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I just don't think my state recognizes this. Not to mention my company... so there's no mutual insurance benefits or whatnot.

Secondly, and this might be a bit of a bigger point, she's a bitch. My dog, to be exact. I don't want to even consider what kind of anti-animal husbandry laws there are out there. And I'm pretty sure my state doesn't recognize this type of matrimonial union. In fact, it could be illegal in about 49 states (with the exception of Oklahoma <-- sorry Jocelyn and Rebecca). You see. I'm tired of waiting. I get bored. So I checked out MarryYourPet.com. And whaddaya know.. next thing I know, I'm typing names. It's like getting drunk in Las Vegas and waking up next to a stranger and you're both wearing wedding bands.

So there you have it. I'm married. And probably going to prison on some sort of freakish law.

And I would say to you, what I would say to my soon-to-be-prisonmates: You best leave my bitch alone.

Ewww Nasty! Yet Ingenious!

Thanks to Suzanne over at Kaz, I got a tip on yet another clever travel advice - Security Briefs.

Some international adoption countries call for bringing large sums of cash to complete the adoption paperwork process. It's scary enough traveling nowadays that the extra stress of bringing cash can send some people over the edge.

So here's an ingenious form of travel insurance that's certain to put your mind at ease: Skidmark Underwear with Hidden Pockets for your valuables.

According to experts:

The “Brief Safe” is an innovative diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you’re traveling. Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4″ x 10″ secret compartment with Velcro® closure and “special markings” on the lower rear portion.

Leave the “Brief Safe” in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room — even the most hardened burglar or most curious snoop will “skid” to a screeching halt as soon as they see them — wouldn’t you? Made in USA. One size. Color: White (and Brown).

Click here to read all about it.

Now you can travel to meet your bundle of love with less stress!!

Gotcha Gadgets Galore

So the other day I was researching some video and camera gadgets for stalking purposes. But never you mind that.

As I saw the plethora of cool minature gadgets that give the big ones a run for their money, I thought these would be totally cool for Gotcha Day.

God knows I'm going to have my hands full at that moment and when it comes to emotional moments, most people suck at handling a camera or video recorder. On top of that, last thing I want on the videotape is my nasally voice screaming on that once-in-a-lifetime precious moment "Dammit! The left side, you freaking idiot! Take the picture from the left side!! You know I hate my right side."

Plus, think of how cool it would be to get the 'up close and personal' view of your bundleofjoy's face.

Here are some of the cool and small cameras/video devices. Of course they can be used for other 'useful' purposes but for the sake of this 'adoption blog', let's assume they are being used for Gotcha Day:

Naptime and the Blanket Vagina

I love naps. I live for them. From 2-4pm every Saturday and Sunday, you can find me in bed. Napping. I can nap through hurricanes, earthquakes, and minor house fires.

When babylove comes, she'll need to find a way to occupy herself while mommy gets her beauty sleep. So I found this cool thing. It's basically a blanket vagina.

It's a hardcore blanket that can be molded into peaks and valleys. There's a slit in it that allows for sleeping comfort, a hiding place, or even those psycho-babble 'rebirthing' experiences.

You could play 'how did baby get here' games or if you want to keep the stork alive, have baby play car games on it while you nap.

I guess even couples could have fun with this blanket.

Click on the picture to get a better view of this rocking piece of comfort.

Let's Shake Hands

I remember attending my first international adoption orientation that an agency was having to talk about their services and why they should be the agency of choice.

There's really only two things I remember about it. First, they had a lame snack table. Cookies from the frigging Dollar Tree. Hello... but if you want me to fork over my life savings and my sanity, you better be putting out the Pepperidge Farms cookies.

The other thing I remember was that they tried the scare tactic. They literally did scare the bejeezus out of me. They said that if was imperative to smuggle in a dressmaker's ruler (you know, the soft fabric kind that those little old biddies at Sears wear draped around their necks in the lingerie department to give you a bra fitting measurements). Once you had private time with the child, you were to quickly (when no one was watching), measure the child's head circumference, body length, etc. to email/fax over to the international adoption doctor back in the USA.

When I heard this, I basically choked on my cheap cookie. Oh hell to the no! The only thing I'm smuggling into the babyhouse is a Reese Peanut Butter Cup to hold me over in between meeting kids. What kid doesn't like the smell of lucious peanut butter and chocolate on their potential momma's breath. It's like heaven in a scent.

Anyhoo... it's too much responsibility for me to be worrying about head circumference and other things.

Then I heard about this new product called the Information Ring. According to the website: Handshake operates when people first meet and shake hands, and the rings on their fingers gain the proximity to operate. The rings exchange the users’ information and store it while the users are shaking hands. The more people met, the more information transferred. When the users browse through the people they have met, the card displays the basic information that was stored in the ring. The power source originates from the human body temperature, so no plug is required.

Now, if only they had that for the babies. I know this sounds clinical and untrusting, but it would be so much easier than smuggling in measuring tapes and remembering what to send to the doctors.

Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

Seriously ya'll. You people should be paying me for all the parental advice and recommendations that I give peeps. I better start seeing donations made into my paypal account a-sap because you're going to be thanking me forever for this post.

We all dread diaper changing and potty training. I have a hard enough time not gagging when I have to scoop the kitty litter box. So human poop is going to really test my gag reflex.

Fortunately I have a twisted mind and will get a kick out of the following product. I think it will make diaper changing and potty training rather fun. In fact, I might try it for myself.

It's called Turd Twister. (Stay with me here.. it gets interesting.)

It is a complete kit for shaping your turd into amazing designs. According to the box, it's the Ultimate Gift for the person who has everything, including a "twisted" sense of humor! The kit ships with our 10 most popular Turd Twisters.

In addition, you'll get the Amazing Manual called "How to Twist Your Turds". This booklet is loaded with images explaining the art and science of Turd Twisting.

Most importantly, it's DISHWASHER SAFE!

The shapes that you and baby will enjoy seeing created are: Batman Wings, Birthday Cake, Moon, Planets, Teddybear, Skull, Four-Leaf Clover.. and so much more. Just look at them below.

Mark my words... kids are going to want to be potty trained a.s.a.p.!!!

Book 'Em, Danno!

I've been stacking up on great children's books about adoption. I received some as Christmas gifts and I've been scouring library sales for them. You pretty much know what I'm talking about: Happy Adoption Day! McCutcheon, John; How I Was Adopted Cole, Joanna; Mommy Far, Mommy Near: An Adoption Story Peacock, Carol Antoinette; A Mother for Choco Kasza, Keiko; Our Baby from China: an Adoption Story D'Antonio, Nancy; Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born Curtis, Jamie Lee.

I know I'm going to get peppered with questions that deal with adoption and I'm covered. I've got great picture books to read to babylove.

I'm prepared for all questions from birth to adoption! Here's the latest book to join the collection. Be sure to click on the pages on the link and it will turn the page to the next one and you can read the entire book. It's great for all ages.

They Are SOOO Hired!

Eureka!

I found the production company that is going to make my adoption video!!!

Move over Spielberg! Move over Disney! Fred and Sharon are going to create everlasting memories for me and my bundle of love.

They rock in the graphics and special effects department!! I mean, that Loch Ness Monster in the end totally had me convinced.

You gotta watch and listen to their promo video. It's only 2 minutes long.

They's fo' reals, people!

Her Weight in Rice

Remember those lame sex-ed class homework assignments where you had to 'babysit' a fricking egg or 5-lb. bag of flour for a weekend to see if you were even parent-material?

Well the following product kind of reminds me of it. Although it's not intended for sex-ed classes, it's really intended for grandparents. But I think it's best for those who have a referral but waiting to travel.

You see, sacks of rice can be ordered in the weight of your babylove. Imprinted on the sack is your baby's face. Therefore, ya'll can walk around pretending you are carrying the baby.

Creepy (but not as creepy as those baby dolls). But a very good marketing tool.

Girlfriend please. Don't go pretending that you aren't going to click on this link to order your 15 lb. sack of babylove while you are waiting to meet your referral. I know you wanna. You already got your credit card out.

Don't worry. I'm not judging.

Gifts for the Orphanage

I'm packing my bags and going shopping this weekend for gifts to bring to the orphanage. I already have gifts to bring to the in-country staff.

I'm making sure the toys are for all ages and both sexes. Here's my list:

Assortment of baby toys for the young boys and girls.
Mickey Mouse dolls for the young boys and girls.
Playdoh and Playdoh accessories for the older boys and girls.
Tonka trucks for the young boys.
Dora the Explorer Aquapet for the young girls.


I think I'm going to have to find something different for the girls.

Hold Me Now

Hold me now, warm my heart
stay with me, let loving start.

God, I love the music from the 80s. That was from The Thompson Twins. I miss the music, fashion, and hairstyles from those days.

Okay... on with the point of this post: bonding (not to be confused with bondage)

It's well documented that when you first meet your child, holding him/her is first and foremost - developing a sense of trust and warmth.

Thanks to a special pigment designed by Matsui Shikiso Chemical of Japan, there's a new type of baby/toddler clothing that generates thermochromic patterns when body heat is applied. It lets you know where the baby needs some loving and if you are holding him/her long enough. The patterns will fade when enough heat is applied. And that's the goal.

Oh man, if they made those for adults, mine would be blindingly full of patterns. Tres sad.

On a happier note, they remind me of those Hypercolor t-shirts of the 80s.

Spank Me, Spank the Monkey

Like any mom-to-be, I'm obsessed with learning everything there is to learn about parenting.

And today, I'm learning - thanks to some articles in USA Today and US News & World Report - that spanking is associated with an increased probability of verbally and physically coercing a dating partner to have sex; risky sex such as premarital sex without using a condom; and masochistic sex such as spanking during sex.

Let's think this research through.

Are you sexually deviant? If you're reading this blog, the answer is probably yes. In that case, you were probably spanked.

A new study shows that people who were spanked as children are more likely to engage in "risky sexual behavior...[and] masochistic sex, including sexual arousal by spanking," according to USA Today.

Not that I really see anything wrong with any of that. Sounds kind of fun, if you ask me.

On the flip side, if all this is true... does that mean a non-spanked child will grow up to be a 32 year old virgin that spanks the monkey?

It's all so confusing.

Source: USA Today

US News & World Report