When I Die - The Disney Version

Here I am about to bring a child into the world, or something like that, so what am I doing thinking about death? Well, I have to make sure everything is covered and that my massive wealth (of junk, that is) is distributed evenly amongst my heirs. I want to make sure my beloved gravy boat is sent along with my 100+ dolls from the Marie Osmond collection to my brother and my sister will inherit my Barry Manilow shrine.

In any case, back to my death. I have very strict rules in my will that states during my funeral, I am to be butt naked, propped up on a chair, and facing the audience. Of course my legs will be crossed because, after all, I’m a lady. And while my coffin is being lowered into the grave, I want KC and the Sunshine Band’s “Get Down Tonight” to be blaring.

Strike that. I’ve decided I want to be cremated. In fact, while I’m being burned I want Bruce Springfield’s “I’m on Fire” playing. How poetic is that? And then I want my ashes taken to the happiest place on earth. Not the bunny ranch Reno but the happy place in Orlando. On a ride called It’s a Small World. I know it sounds goofy. (get it? Goofy/Disney) And it’s obviously not an original idea. According to a Disney spokesperson there’s a lot of unidentified gunk resembling human remains in the water at the Pirates of Caribbean ride.

Of course I could never dump someone’s ashes on that ride. Word is that Americans are getting too fat for the ride. Increasingly, overweighted boats get to certain points in the ride and bottom out, becoming stuck in the flume. The ride monitors must then track down the stuck boat and attempt tactfully to help a rider or two to exit at one of the emergency platforms. Oh the horror as my fat ass and I waddle out the emergency exit! And then I’d be stuck with an urn of ashes still. Maybe I could toss them during the Parade at Night.

In any case, ya'll more than invited to my going away party.