I attended a 9am-5pm Sat/Sun pre-parenting adoption workshop this past weekend for shits and giggles. Okay, that's not true. I attended, in all honesty, to earn good adoption karma. I had already been through an entire weekend workshop during my homestudy; but since this was free, I felt I needed to go so the Gods of Adoption would look kindly upon me and see that I was doing everything to prepare myself for mommyhood.
Anyhow, during the workshop the presenter asked us all the question, 'what do you say when your child asks if his/her birthmother loved him/her?' I replied 'You say 'Yes, she loved you but due to circumstances wanted to make sure you had a good life... etc. etc.' I haven't thought of how to phrase my answer but it was along those lines. She then asked 'do you know that for a fact?' Me: um, no. Her: then don't lie. Tell her you don't know. That you would hope she did.
And then she went on to say that this was part of the child's grieving process. You don't want to lie because it will lead to more questions/verifications that you can't prove.
I must admit that I got thrown for a loop there. Can I really say that? Can I tell my child, or any child for that matter, that I don't know if s/he was loved by his/her birthmom?
It bugged me for hours and all day Monday. Finally it ocurred to me - why am I struggling over this!? I know damned well that I plan on lying my ass off to my daughter for the next 20 years.
It's all a matter of survival and justifying the punishment meeting the crime.
Mommy, you never ever cheated on a test before?
No, sweetie, I didn't. It never ocurred to me to do that. I always studied.
Sniff, sniff.. but moooooooommy, all the other kids stole candy. I'm sure you did the same thing when you were my age.
No, sweetie, I didn't. It never ocurred to me to do that. I stood by what was right.
Mommy, what's freebasing?
Honey, I haven't a clue. I think it's a baseball term when the batter gets to walk.
...and the list goes on.
But seriously, do you really tell your kid 'you don't know' when asked about the birthmom loving him/her?
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7 comments:
tough one. Maybe you could put it in the context of how the baby was found and that the mother put her in a safe place where she/he would find a family that could care for her??
As far as the cheating and freebasing goes :) Nope! We always do what is right and that is that.
I've actually heard to follow this 'no lying' approach if I don't know all the details of how my child came into care.
For example, when M is older she'll probably ask how I could possibly know if her birth mother loved her when I don't have any information about her or the circumstances that brought M to the orphanage. A kid can smell a rat from a mile away - especially a shrewd teenager. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Of course, I too will lie about the stacks of coke I snorted in high school (I jest).
I think age appropriate truthfulness is important in all aspects of parenting. It helps build a trusting relationship. I think I'll probably approach this question from an "I don't know, but I have to believe she did" perspective, maybe elaborating about mother-baby bonds or how lovable sweet, innocent babies are. Just my opinion, but I have found different schools of thought about adoption issues.
Yes you really do say you don't know because you don't. The question the child is asking is if I am lovable then why was I adopted. If you say that the BM loved the child and you love the child well, the BM gave or lost the child so is that what love is? When then will you give up or lose the child too? See a child doesn't have the same concepts of love. It is never appropriate to tell someone that someone else loves them unless you know for sure and you don't. It is extremely confusing to a child. Now if you have a note from said parent with all of that in there then you can safely say yes but you may not be so lucky. You could always answer, "why wouldn't the bm love you, because you are so lovable." Then you wouldn't be lying but asking the question back.
Beverly
When my younger brother and sister asked this my parents told them the truth which was I don't know how they felt - but they also followed up with a great book of letters written by adoptive mothers from Korea (where they adopted from) written to the children they had given up. I'll call my mom and see if I can get the name.
Maybe I'll be in the minority here, but I think some folks over-complicate this issue.
It's perfectly acceptable to tell your child that you are certain that her birth-mom loves her. Even if you don't have any evidence. Why? Because I can with almost 100% certainty guarantee that if you were able to track down that woman now, she would say (and mean) that she loves her child. It does not matter one iota what responsible or lousy choices she may have made at relinquishment.
Suppose you know for a fact that she was abandoned at a bus terminal - which seems like an awful thing to do to a child. Is that going to be your evidence that she was unloved? No, that's only evidence that her mother did something stupid and/or selfish. As other's have mentioned there are age appropriate times to share such info. So, you are NOT lying to her to tell her that her birth mother loves her.
Using evidence or lack therof about relinquishment is a while other concept and should not, IMHO be included in any discussion about whether she was loved.
Ok, sorry I got kinda serious there, but you're asking such a serious question.
I've never heard that... we just assume we know because we have so much information about our son's birthmom. I think I can safely tell him yes based on what we know. But, I'm not sure how I would handle it if not...
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