Was Son of Sam a Quacker?

For months I got stressed out worrying about my baby at her babyhouse and wondered if I'd make a good mom. Those thoughts haunted me and kept me awake at night. In time, I found comfort in the 3am television infomercials. And the one person who took me under her metaphorical wings was this special lady, Jeanne, pictured above. She made me feel so loved and special. Her peeps were my peeps.

But now, I think it's all a hoax. She's played me like a bad adoption agency. She says the right words but there's something sinister lurking in the meaning. I visited her website and this was her message:

"No matter where you live, how big or small you are, whether you are always cold, or your inner child is playing with matches … Quacker Factory has you covered – kind of a like a good friend when you're having a bad day! As you all know, these are the days that sometimes give me a little "hookie-do."

Love,
Jeanne Bice, Head Quack

The emphasis were mine. Are her Quackers serial arsonists? I've never heard of someone's inner-child playing with matches. And what the hell is a hookie-do??

I'm scared. Hold me.