How Do You Make a Hormone?

Don't pay her.

And trust me... I'm moaning.

This is exactly what's been happening to me as I continue my outlandishly whorish ways. Google Ads decided to suspend my account because I was proactively encouraging my blog readers to visit the sites of those lame-assed companies advertising on my blog.

But fear not, I have found another blog-ads company and they have way cooler ads. They are on the right side under the header 'advertisement' and these companies offer an array of awesome methods for getting pharmacy drugs at 1/2 price, student loans and other financial necessities.

Plus, they even offer ways to improve your self-esteem and boost your confidence with male enlargement drugs. I know some of my male visitors (blog visitors, that is) must be too embarassed to talk to your doctor about how to go from average sized to WOW! size. So click on the ads that will make you go from a zero to a Hero!

And you women out there .. feeling loosey-goosey in your special area? Need some tightening? Fear not, there seems to be various Kegel companies offering tightening tools that advertise on a weekly basis on this blog.

Hey... when it comes to ads... I don't pick them but I need you to click them!

A Little Humor

I have obtained zero, zip, zilch permission to post this.

"Oh, I'm sorry...You couldn't adopt?"

When My Baby Becomes Miss Teen USA

Q: Miss Teen Ohio, your lovely, intelligent, charming and beautiful mother traveled to Uzbekistan for the two of you to become a family. Please describe your homeland.

A: First of all, thank you very much for your kind words. Words alone cannot do justice in describing the inner and outer beauty of my mother.

To answer your question, Uzbekistan is situated in Central Asia between the Amudarya and Syrdarya rivers. The landscape is extremely diverse starting from the lowland Turans in the northwest up to mountain ranges of Tien Shan and Alay in the southeast. Sandy deserts of Kyzylkum are located in the southwest part of the republic. The territory of Uzbekistan makes up 447,400 sq. km, equal to that of Sweden. Uzbekistan is bordered by Kazakhstan to the north and the west, Kyrgyzstan and Tajikistan to the east, Afghanistan and Turkmenistan to the south. The Aral Sea coasts lie on its territory as well.


:::::applause, applause::::::::standing ovation:::::::unstoppable standing ovation::::::::the crowd is going wild!!!!::::::::::::::::

:::::whoa... would you look at that!!!! I've never seen anything like that before. All the other contestants are walking off the stage. They realize that Miss Ohio is a sure winner!!::::::::

Top 'O The Morning To Me

Got this email this morning:

Good Morning Melissa,

Your I-600A application has been approved. You should be receiving your I-171H Approval Notice by sometime next week.

Best wishes,

XXX**
CIS Assistant
Citizenship & Immigration Service
8/29/07

**(no.. it's not a porno person.. I just decided not to post this lovely lady's name. You know, with homeland security and all. Let's call her Cleveage Buck. You know, for Cleveland, Buckeyes. oh.. nevermind)

I Wanna Be a Yummy Mummy, Not a Molly Mum

British 'model' and reality tv celebutard, Jordan (pictured, left) has some wise words to all of us mums-to-be. I've written about her before and how she's a role model to young girls everywhere. The artificially-enhanced mum of three said the following:

"I want to be a yummy mummy, not a Molly mum! When some women have kids they let themselves go – I call that a Molly mum. They don’t bother dressing up and forget about themselves. It’s important to look good because in some cases I think the man would lose interest and disappear."

Now I kind of feel sorry for anyone out there named Molly.

Safe Enough for Baby but Will Kill Mommy

This adoption process is confusing enough! Now as I'm actually preparing for baby, I'm more confused than ever. Just this month there was the hassle of recalled toys and yesterday as I'm buying products for my precious babe, I came across the following tidbit by the Australian Ovarian Cancer Study Group:

"Sprinkling underwear with talcum powder may increase the risk of ovarian cancer in women, researchers say. "We confirmed a statistically significant increase in ovarian cancer risk associated with use of talc in the pelvic region," say the researchers, who are from hospitals and centres taking part in the Australian Ovarian Cancer Study Group."

So here's my question: if women shouldn't be putting in it their underwear, should we still be using this stuff on babies?

Like, Um, Where's Um Uzbekistan?

Man, I can't wait until my daughter gets a US American edumacation.

I'm glad I drew resting camel, seahorse, happy crab and dead bird for ya'll - cause now you know where, like, Uzbekistan is.




Question: A recent poll showed that some Americans can't find the USA on a world map and why do you think this is?

Answer, "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, um, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us."

**EDITOR'S NOTE: To Miss SC's credit, the question was a lame one. I doubt I could have answered that on the spot without saying 'dayum... we're a stupid society.' Interestingly, Miss Colorado won the competition and she was grilled with the tough question, "Who do you prefer: Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie, or Paris Hilton?"

Seriously, It Could Be Worse

Having a bad day adoption-wise? Bad week? Bad month? Really... you've got it pretty good compared to some. Remember two days ago I posted a lovely rendering of a camel in the shape of Uzbekistan? (or is it the other way around?) Well... speaking of camels... here's a woman who has had a worst day than you. Trust me. So count your blessings.

PET CAMEL KILLS WOMAN
A woman in Australia has been killed by her pet camel after the animal may have tried to have sex with her.

The woman was found dead at the family's sheep and cattle ranch near the town of Mitchell in Queensland.

The woman had been given the camel as a 60th birthday present earlier this year because of her love of exotic pets.

The camel was just 10 months old but already weighed 152kg (336lbs) and had come close to suffocating the family's pet goat on a number of occasions.

On Saturday, the woman apparently became the object of the male camel's desire.

It knocked her to the ground, lay on top of her and displayed what the police delicately described as possible mating behaviour.

"I'd say it's probably been playing, or it may be even a sexual sort of thing," the Associated Press news agency quoted Queensland police Detective Senior Constable Craig Gregory as saying.

Young camels are not normally aggressive but can become more threatening if treated and raised as pets.

Tea Time

Another recipe native to Uzbekistan.

Shirinchoi - Tea with Kaimak (sour cream)

100g water

100g milk

1 teaspoon butter

2 teaspoons kaimak

black tea

salt, pepper

Add tea to boiling water and reduce heat. Then add boiled milk, salt. Pour into teacups and add butter and kaimak, sprinkle with pepper. Serve hot.

I'm having a hard time dealing with the butter and sour cream. I'm craving a baked potato now. Not tea. **sigh**

Flying to Tashkent, UZ

Luggage? Check.
Passport? Check.
Sleeping pills? Check.
Flatulence filter seat cushion? Che...what?!
That's right! It's an honest-to-god seat cushion. According to GasBGon website,

"You no longer have to be embarrassed by the untimely passing of intestinal gas among your friends or family. GasBGon has been designed and tested to absorb the odour and sound of flatulence. Malodorous gas is a naturally occurring event, obviously affecting some people more than others. Yet, clinical studies show that the average person produces one to three pints of gas and passes gas 14 times a day."

I'm feeling more confident already.
And how can one pass the 24+ hour crowded, stuffy, uncomfortable plane ride?

Book? Check.
Journal? Check.
iPod? Check.
iRod? Ch...what?!

That's right. A new iPod gadget called OhMiBod lets you listen to your favorite tunes and get your groove on in sync. Supposedly "the range and intensity of the music and vibrations are endless, creating a dynamically sensational experience never felt before!"

Seriously folks. I didn't invent the gadgets. I'm just doing a public service trying to make your flight a little bit more comfortable.

Resting Camel, Dead Bird, Sea Horse and Happy Crab

You ever look at the clouds and see floating pictures? A bunny. A horse.

Same can be done with countries.

I played around with Uzbekistan today and these were the images that popped into my head.

This is resting camel. The face is on the east side with the tongue hanging out. You can see the hump in the top middle. The front legs are folded under, the back legs are folded under.. facing forward and the tail is in the back.

This is dead bird. He's on his back. I could have done it with the beak being where the crown is now but that would have meant he twisted his neck. I need help with this beak, it looks inverted.

And this is a sea horse, of course.

This is a happy crab. Somehow I think I can get a sumo wrestler out of this. I need to play around with it a bit.

You Have a Question, I Have an Answer

I will be the first to admit that certain questions pertaining to adoption make great blog fodder.
I'm at the point where after months of being deluged with questions, I got tired of making gentle corrections and/or spilling my heart out regarding my intentions. Since I tend to be snarky most of the time, I just give these answers now.

Q: Why are you adopting?
A: For the 10k tax credit.

Q: Where are you buying your baby?
A: Costco. They sell everything there now. But I'm going to the warehouse in Uzbekistan.

Q: How much will your baby cost?
A: With or without the coupon?

Q: What if she's 'not right' or something's wrong with her?
A: She'll blend right in with me.

I'm sure you all have tons of Qs and As as well. Please share!

On the International Adoption Front

Not much happening with my adoption today but here's what's happening around the world.

NEPAL
As most of you know, I started my adoption process with Nepal. As I was about to send my paperwork to Katmandu, the country suspended all international adoptions. Nepal is a two-visit country and over 460 families, at the time of the suspension, were in between visits. They had already met their child(ren).

One family that was part of the 460+ learned that their child had passed away at the orphanage. I can't imagine their heartbreak.

LIBERIA
There's a new American consulate in Liberia and she's slowed down the processing of visas for children being adopted out to Thursdays only. So now there's a backlog of visas. The US embassy in Liberia has decided it is now policy that they meet with the birth parents, before they will issue a visa. They will NOT issue a visa if they don't meet with the birth parents. But what about the children who's parents have disappeared? Died? Have moved to the bush?

When the parents brought their child(ren) to the orphanage, the local officials recognized that the parents relinquished their parental rights. For many of the international families that have gone through the adoption process, those adoptions are final in Liberia, and those children have a Liberian passport, ready to travel. But if the birth parents can not be found, the U.S. Embassy will not issue a visa and the child will be stuck in Liberia. Needless to say, adoption facilitators in Liberia are working non-stop trying to find the birthparents of the children. It's a mess since there's no central database.


KAZAKHSTAN
Many countries, Uzbekistan included, require post-placement reports. They are usually submitted by the social worker to the ministry of child welfare from the country from which you adopted - 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, 6 years... 16 years after the adoption. It lets them know the status of the child(ren) and also conveys that international adoption is a good thing. Problems usually arise when adoption agencies go out of business and stop processing reports.

Right now the chief prosecutor in Karaganda is conducting an audit of all adoptions completed in the Region. No chilren are currently being placed and the prosecutor is threatening to continue the moritorium until ALL ADOPTED CHILDREN are accounted for with pictures and post-placements. Evidently Almaty closed down last year for a while for the same reason.

UZBEKISTAN
One woman has already returned home with her daughter last month. I'm guessing she was the first person to adopt from there this year. Some other families who sent their dossier to Uzbekistan 1-2 months ago have gotten their referrals. They should be traveling sometime this fall/winter.

Read Between the Lines and Another Dance

Remember when I did the lapdance and charity walk for ya'll in return for a special favor? I asked you to click some stuff on the right hand side? Well.. Google didn't appreciate my proactively asking people to 'visit the sites, learn more about adoption, etc.' and stopped my account. Dayam. I was up to a couple hundred bucks, thanks to you guys!! And they took that away because they viewed it as against policy.

Whatever. I'm so over them now.

So now I am using another company. It doesn't have the same font or tons of adoption sites but it still serves it purpose with me. Without blantantly spelling out my request, I beg you to continue visiting those on the right side above the About Me bit.

Those who have been visiting know what I'm talking about.

In return, I will perform this nice dance for you! Yes, it looks cheap but it's Public Access TV in Los Angeles. You get what you pay for.

Adoption Stress Busters Part Four

Do you feel as though your adoption process is making you feel vulnerable, naked? You're baring every detail of yourself to the whole world?

Does it feel as though you are not taking the bull by the horns but the bull is taking you by the seat of your pants? If so, you're not alone.




Adoption Stress Busters Part Three
Adoption Stress Busters Part Two
Adoption Stress Busters Part One

What the Adoption Process Feels Like.. Part 2

Uzbekistan is a pilot program. In 2006 and 2005 there were only five international adoptions that took place in Uzbekistan. Although I should feel like a pioneer, I sometimes feel that it's getting crowded. I discussed it in this post.

However, it just feels that more and more families are 'waking up' to how unique the Uzbek program is. For example, it's only a one-visit, short-stay country and the adoption takes place before you arrive to Tashkent. So it's final. There's no 'wait a minute... we made a mistake. You will not be her mother.'

And now there are lots of families already ahead of me with their dossier in Uzbekistan. It reminds me of when I was living in Tokyo, Japan and getting my ribs cracked on the overly crowded morning subway commute. I can only imagine how the process in the two most popular adoption counties, China and Guatemala, feel like.

This is how Uzbekistan process feels to me.




This is 'How the Dossier Process Feels Like... Part 1'

Random Recap

The past few weeks have been a rollercoaster ride. Here's a brief recap, accompanied with pictures.

I learned that Why Yes! I can breastfeed my adopted baby. Mind you, I won't- but it's freaky to know that I can. What an interesting thing the human body is. Now if only we could get men to breastfeed. How cool would that be? Just look at actress Anne Hathaway on the left enjoying a nice drink from the bosom of her male friend.

(click here for the blog posting of this discovery.)

This past week, I felt like a Super Hero! I was like Spiderman.. weaving together my absolutely final paperwork. My homestudy and passports were delivered to me. Alas, the government's metaphoric bottle of Raid quickly killed my superpowers by making me wait through the bureaucratic tape for my I171-H. (Click here for the blog posting of my superpower.)

And speaking of governments, I'm still confused by all the acronyms and what paperwork I really need when I return to the USA. I feel like the poor chaps who are going to go play soccer.

(Click here for the blog posting of the confusion.)

And as always, I continue to whore my and my daughter's way into the finger power of those who read my blog. In the name of advertisement dollars, I ask that you click on the Google ads on the right side. I earn a few measely pennies for each click. And each penny is a penny off my airfare to Uzbekistan. (Click here for my whorish begging for my 'charity walk' or here for my 'lapdancing'.)

What's a Substitute for Mutton Fat?

I'm researching all about Uzbek cuisine and learning to prepare meals, salads, breads, soups, appetizers and desserts from the area.

I figured I'd start with dessert because those are usually the easiest to prepare.

Here's a recipe:

Un Talkon

150 g or 5/8 mutton fat
500 g or 3 3/4 cups flour
200 g or 1 1/4 cups sugar

In a pan, heat flour in oil until brown. When lumps are worked out of the flour transfer to a dish and cool. Mix in sugar well. Serve with tea at breakfast.

It didn't give the nutritional value but I can't imagine there's much fat or calories. It's only 3 ingredients. I'm going to say 25 calories, 2 grams fat, 4 grams carbohydrates.

Obviously Nothing Is Moving with My Adoption Today... Part 2

I hate to admit it but I find this type of parenting rather alluring.

Here's Obviously Nothing Is Moving with My Adoption Today ... Part 1 (Warning: R Rated)

A-B-Cs and 1-2-3s Are Difficult, Ya'll!

So much paperwork, so little understanding of it all.

I600-A = Application for Advance Processing of Orphan Petition (Need to be fingerprinted. The application is valid for 18 months but the fingerprints only 15 months.)

I171-H = Notice of Favorable Determination Concerning Application for Advance Processing of an Orphan Petition

IR-3 = AN IR-3 visa (the “IR” stands for “immediate relative”) is given to a child adopted overseas when the adoptive parent (if a single parent) saw and observed the child prior to the adoption, and the adoption is completed in the foreign country. (The foreign adoption bestows upon both adoptive parents and child the same rights, responsibilities, and privileges as would an adoption in the United States.) Children who are issued IR-3 visas do not, under Federal laws, require adoption or re-adoption in the United States (although your state of residence may require a re-adoption procedure).

Ohio Re-adoption = Ohio recognizes foreign adoptions. However, it is best to apply for re-adoption in order to be given an Ohio birth certificate (will make school enrollment easier).

IR-4 = Denotes a child coming to the United States for adoption. An IR-4 visa is issued to a child under the following circumstances: The foreign country’s laws only permit the adoptive parents to obtain guardianship of the child, rather than to fully adopt the child in that country, and/or the prospective adoptive parent(s) did not see and observe the child prior to the adoption process. With the IR-4 visa, the foreign adoption does not meet the federal U.S. equivalent requirements of severing biological parent(s) ties and/or ensuring that both the adoptive parents and child have the same rights, responsibilities, and privileges. The adoption of children who have been issued IR-4 immigrant visas must be completed in the United States.

The IR-3 and 4 are confusing for me. Although my child's adoption will take place in Uzbekistan, it will take place BEFORE I see her.

According to the law, children who enter the U.S. on an IR-3 visa are automatically granted U.S. citizenship, and under the new regulations, will be sent a Certificate of Citizenship within 45 days of their entry. Parents do not need to complete a separate application on behalf of their children for this document.

BUT.. from what I understand from someone who has already adopted from Uzbekistan, they entered the US on an IR-3 visa and has already received her daughter's Certificate of Citizenship.

Woohoo!!

OhMyGod You guys!! YOU GUYS!!!!!!
I got my homestudy and passport!!!

Uh Oh

Sh*t!

Now I have to wait for my I-171H from Homeland Security.

SuperFriends Unite

Holy Toledo Robin! Wonder Twin powers activate! Superman to the phone booth! Wonder Woman start twirling!

And, I, Spiderman will get down on my knees because I want the government to process my I-171H ASAP!

**edit** Whoa Nelly!!! Jeepers Creepers! Dang people.. Spiderman is on his knees praying, beseeching. He's NOT doing anything illicit to speed up the process. It's just the camera angle. Sheesh. Get your mind out of the gutter. Now I've got to spray Lysol on my eyes and on my Marvel comicbooks.

Now go say 5 Hail Marys and click on the ads on the right hand side to start your forgiveness process.

Waiting and Waiting and Waiting

Waiting sucks. I'm not good at it.

It seems like I've been waiting forever for

a. my insurance to kick in so I could find a doctor to do my dossier medical

b. my passport renewal

c. my homestudy

Soon I'll be waiting for

a. my paperwork getting authenticized, apostillized and whatever else to be 'ized'

b. my paperwork getting translated into Uzbeki or Uzbek or Uzbekistani.

The hardest wait will be be for

a. the referral!!!

b. permission to travel to Uzbekistan to meet my daughter

c. the 40+ hour travel time from Cleveland to Uzbekistan in a tiny airplane seat

My Birthday Is Coming Soon...

“My father was a minister, so growing up we’d go on a missionary trip every summer. The first time I went to that orphanage I was 16. I remember holding this baby who was found in a dumpster. I wanted to adopt him right then and there. I was like, ‘Dad can I have him for my birthday, please?”

- Jessica Simpson, celebutard, hair extension spokeswhore

And the Nominees Are...

Okay ya'll. I've got to cut the grass, get an oil change and run to Costco tomorrow (Saturday) so I'm not going to have any time to post. So while you are busy clicking away on the Google ads on the right side, here's a link to what I think were some of my funniest postings. At least **I** think they are funny. Please pick your favorites and let me know.

Funniest Comparison Post:
Adoption and SATs
What's More Comfortable? Spead Eagle or 18"
Helloooo Stanley
I'm Going to Hell for Most of These Posts

Best Post in Dealing with Annoyance:
Dealing with Rejection
Debunking the Myths
Cheaper Than a $2 Hooker

Best Video Post:
16 Years from Now?
What the Dossier Process Feels Like
Lapdancing for Dollars
Adoption Stress Busters Part 1
Adoption Stress Busters Part 2
Adoption Stress Busters Part 3

Walking My Way to My Baby

image found at cool website.

Hello. I'm starting an Adoption Walk for the purpose of raising funds to bring home my baby. Please click on the picture of my badonkadonk booty above to get me walking. (I apologize in advance for the picture. These were the only pair of shorts that I own that fit.)

After clicking on my picture and getting me walking... please click on the Google ads on the right hand margin. Each click on the ads will earn me money as I 'walk' my way to my daughter.

Thank you for your patronage.

That Was Then. This Is Now.

When I was 9 and wasn't picked to be on, who I thought was my best friend.. on her hopscotch team, I may also have written her name in chalk on my sidewalk saying she was a dum-dum. Bottom line, my ego was hurt.

When I was 19 and the guy who said he would call me tomorrow after a promising date and didn't, I may have written his name in a Sharpie on the bathroom wall saying he was a jerk. (I feel saying for young kids now with MySpace, YouTube, blogs, etc. Hell hath no fury....) Bottom line, my heart was broken.

When I was 29 and the CEO who said I was perfect for the job and after three interviews didn't call me back, I may have written a few negative comments about them in chat rooms. Bottom line, my pride was crushed.

Now that I'm 39 and my homestudy social worker has not filed and apostilled my homestudy report, there is no 'may have' but a 'will definitely do.' I'm calling the BBB and notifying members of Ohio International Adoption groups to be wary of your organization. This isn't my pride, my ego or my heart you're messing with. This is my child.

You have all my paperwork. You've had them for three months now. They've been signed and notarized. I need them to send to Uzbekistan and Homeland Security. The homestudy report is 3/4 of what grants me permission from Homeland Security to adopt an international orphan. It's also what the Uzbekistan government bases my qualification as a parent.

Your organization came highly recommended. You've done homestudy for numerous families and even built a playground in Kazhkstan, where you personally adopted a daughter. As an adoptive mother, you must know the imperativeness of getting my homestudy filed. Like everything else, it comes with an expiration date.

I called you every single day last week. Once you were on another line and were to call me back. I called you every single day this week. I sent email. Not once have you returned a single call or replied to a single email. I don't care how busy you are. Be professional and return a phone call.. even to say 'hey, I got your message but I'm busy.' For crying out loud, this is just common business sense.

I know you are already done with my report. You told my agency. That was a month ago. You still have not filed it. It's gotten so bad that my representative at the adoption agency is driving out to your office tomorrow to retreive all my paperwork and if it's not signed, she'll have another social worker take over.

I will not give you the power to keep my child in an orphanage any longer. I will not give you the power to delay my journey to motherhood.

I'll be damned if you think I'm going to be quiet about this and let you think this is normal.

Why Can't I Ever Think of Anything Smart or Witty to Say?

Ahhh... hail to the single adoptive mother. I especially bow down to the Hollywood ladies who conquered motherhood and the adoption process on their own. They didn't need Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now to validate their worth as a woman or mother.

So smart, so beautiful and so rich. Will I have measure up to them?


I can't put a sentence together - thank God I can take my clothes off.
Sharon Stone, actress. Mother of 3 boys from Russia

I need sex for a clear complexion, but I’d rather do it for love.
Joan Crawford, actress. Mother of 2 children from the USA

I think the most important thing a woman can have – next to talent, of course – is her hairdresser.
Joan Crawford, actress. Mother of 2 children from the USA

When I wear high heels I have a great vocabulary and I speak in paragraphs. I'm more eloquent. I plan to wear them more often.
Meg Ryan, actress. Mother of a daughter from China

You’re young, you’re drunk, you’re in bed, you have knives; shit happens…
Angelina Jolie, actress. Mother of two sons from Cambodia, Vietnam and a daughter from Ethiopia

I need more sex, OK? Before I die I wanna taste everyone in the world.
Angelina Jolie, actress. Mother of two sons from Cambodia, Vietnam and a daughter from Ethiopia

It was always my dream to give an old, bald billionaire a boner.
Rosie O-Donnell, actress. Mother of 3 children from USA

You know, you can imagine in China it’s like, ‘Ching-chong, ching-cong, Danny DeVito Ching-chong, ching-chong-chong. Drunk. The View. Ching-chong.
Rosie O-Donnell, actress. Mother of 3 children from USA

Udderly Delightful

Still no word on the adoption front. Called Dennis Kucinich's office to get them to expedite my passport renewal. It's been 11 weeks.

In other news, I'm killing time reading an earlier article that yes, I can breastfeed my adopted baby. According to La Leche, "Adoptive mothers may be able to induce lactation by using a breast pump every 2-3 hours, either before the baby comes or after. Some also use a device such as the Medela Supplemental Nursing System or the Lact-Aid Nurser Training System. These both enable you to feed your baby while he is at your breast. This way, your baby gets enough milk while stimulating your body to produce your own milk. The key to all this is that the more stimulation your breasts receive, either by pump or baby, the more likely milk will be produced. Mothers who have breastfed adopted babies often say that having achievable goals for inducing lactation helped them feel successful in the long run."

I don't know what 'achievable goals for inducing lactation' means but I'll confess - I'm a little weirded out.

Now if I could just learn how to bake cookies, I'd have snack time all covered.

Why a Good Agency Is Like a Good Man

A woman’s perspective

Man: Many are usually married or not into women.
Agency: Many are into married couple and single women need not apply.

Man: The exes speak highly of the real gentlemen.
Agency: Previous clients will give good references.

Man: You just don’t know what kind of kids they’ll give you.
Agency: You just don’t know what kind of kids they’ll give you.

Man: The word ‘sex’ is usually followed by ‘yes’
Agency: The word ‘sex’ is usually followed by ‘boy or girl?’

Man: An STD-free bill of health is greatly appreciated.
Agency: Notarized proof of no STD is mandatory.

Man: A good man will let you determine the pace of the relationship. A jerky man will want to go all the way after one date.
Agency: A good agency will let you set the pace of the adoption process. A jerky agency will pressure you into signing with them after one phone call.

Man: They ask you to pay for their services in installments. Oh puhleeeze, don’t tell me you never left a twenty on the nightstand. What? Oh. Well, me neither but this is what I heard some women do.
Agency: You pay for their services in installments.

Man: A good one won’t compare you to the others nor comment on how you are going too slow.
Agency: Ditto.

Like I said, this is a woman's perspective. So if any of you men want to do this from a male perspective, let 'er rip and I'll post them.

In fact, I'll get the first one started for you.

Woman: When she says 'I'll be ready in 5 minutes' it usually means 50.
Agency: When they say 'the paperwork should be ready in 5 weeks' it usually means 5 months.

Adoption Stress Busters Part Three

Does this adoption process leave you feeling at times as though your hands are tied behind your back and and your body is breaking out in hives? Does it leave you feeling nutty at times?

If so, just remember that there are some people who have it tougher than you do.

Was Son of Sam a Quacker?

For months I got stressed out worrying about my baby at her babyhouse and wondered if I'd make a good mom. Those thoughts haunted me and kept me awake at night. In time, I found comfort in the 3am television infomercials. And the one person who took me under her metaphorical wings was this special lady, Jeanne, pictured above. She made me feel so loved and special. Her peeps were my peeps.

But now, I think it's all a hoax. She's played me like a bad adoption agency. She says the right words but there's something sinister lurking in the meaning. I visited her website and this was her message:

"No matter where you live, how big or small you are, whether you are always cold, or your inner child is playing with matches … Quacker Factory has you covered – kind of a like a good friend when you're having a bad day! As you all know, these are the days that sometimes give me a little "hookie-do."

Love,
Jeanne Bice, Head Quack

The emphasis were mine. Are her Quackers serial arsonists? I've never heard of someone's inner-child playing with matches. And what the hell is a hookie-do??

I'm scared. Hold me.

Adoption Stress Busters Part Two

Paperwork chasing giving you the blues?
Waiting for a referral testing your faith?

Let this 50- second video make you realize that you're going be alright, honey. Someone's having a shittier day than you.

Lady, Stay Out of My Baby Pool!

Lady, seriously now.

Haven't you endured enough scrapes and brusies when you took part in Filene's Basement's annual 'Running of the Brides' stampede? You remember, when you lined up outside the store 12 hours before the 7am store opening on the annual Wedding Dress Sale.

And then on those cold Friday mornings the day after Thanksgiving when you stood in line at 3am in order to get that season's Cabbage Patch, Tickle Me Elmo doll or whatever was the hottest must-have item of the season. You may have even lost a shoe in the crush to get into the store.

In any case, get it out of your mind that you, me and other adoptive parents are going to be lining up outside of the babyhouse before they open for the day and sprinting inside to grab a child. It's not like in the picture above. It doesn't work that way.

So just relax about the fact that we are both looking to adopt a girl between the ages of 18 months to 2 years. There's no need for you to change your criteria because, as you eloquently put it, 'the pool was getting crowded.'

By the way, if we did have to line up outside the gate of the babyhouse, you can betcha sweet ass that I'll be the guy in the blue shirt in the front in the picture above.

Jaime Pressley, Is That You?

Oh hell to the no!

Jaime Pressley if this is you, this is so not cool.

I have freestats.com on my blog that basically tells me how many page views it gets and how someone got to my site. For example, did they do a Google search? If so, what keywords did they use?

So on Friday, I notice this:

216.226.25.7 - - [27/Jul/2007:15:34:57 US/Eastern] "http://www.google.com/search?q=MELISSA+FAT+BITCH+ADOPTION&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&client=firefox-a

And you'll see that someone did a Google search using the keywords 'Melissa' + 'Fat' + "Bitch' + 'Adoption' and then was led to my site.

Interestingly enough, when you type in those keywords in Google, my site is actually the first listing.

Awwww Dayum. That hurts, man, that really hurts.

I'm going to believe that it was Jaime who put those four words (Melissa fat bitch adoption) together because she is a bit tiffed about this posting and my colorful trailer trashing comments.

Oh snap!

Instead of papparazzi, I'm being hounded by celebrities.

870 Days

870 days until 2010. According to statistics, in 2010 there will be 53.1 million orphans in Africa and 68.9 million in Asia.

Today in Africa, every 14 seconds a child loses a parent. 19,000 children die daily from diseases that are curable. Today in Asia, there are 7.7 million orphans - 6% of the population.

I don't know what the statistics are for Latin America or Eastern Europe but I surely hope they are more promising - but then again, I doubt it.

870 days. That's 2 years and 5 months. Or, 124 weeks.

Today 1.4 billion people live in absolute poverty. Half the world's population, 3 billion people, live on less than US$2 a day.

In my county alone (Cleveland area), there are currently 2,000 kids waiting for a home.

That's today. God knows what it will be in 2010. That's only 870 days away.

If you ever want to have a good cry, go to YouTube and type in the keywords 'orphans' 'poverty'.

The next time someone asks me why I don't try to conceive, I'm sending them a link to this video. It's only a minute and a half long. No need to even listen to the music or read anything. All you need to do is listen to the voices of the girl and her young brother and I think it sums up perfectly why adoption is the most loving and parental gift you can give (a) child/ren.